#smidge writes

[openly-journaling]

Smidge: 2/19/2024

So we got a counseling appointment Wednesday morning. I'd like to stop dissociating so much, it's not like our body says we're going to switch out any time soon by the feel of it. Still front stuck with Marshmallow. though I did feel Dizzy's presence a bit earlier and Andrew's. They were more co-conscious. The headache has disappeared at least, so there's that. Homework is due tomorrow and I.. still haven't started.

I'm in a FAR better mood than yesterday and the day before, so I SHOULD be able to get it done. I hope. Why am I so paralyzed by all of this. Marshmallow would step in but he can't seem to take over any control over the body right now. It's like he's just here to keep me company. I want to talk to my brother again and know how he's doing.

I want to see Sorrow and I hope he's doing well without me also. But I just feel so stuck here. It's so funny Marshmallow is a gatekeeper but sometimes it just doesn't fucking work for him either. His ability to control who fronts is limited to when and only when we aren't locked like this.

I don't feel miserable but I feel miserable. Not like "it's the end of the world, kill me, I need to quit school" miserable. But just.. "I wish I could just do it" miserable. I'm so tired. Mentally over this issue. Like everywhere else right now I'm fine for the most part. Minor anxieties. I think knowing we still have at least a 90% in both classes helps. So if we fall back a little bit it won't damage things too much. But that doesn't mean that just because we can, we should.

I don't remember if I talked about this in the last post. I don't recall doing it, but being late, behind all of that has brought back memories of high school. Knowing we'd never be good enough for anyone back then. That's why we dropped math class. It wasn't like the math was hard, we were just so behind at that point in just trying to reach the homework that it stressed us out too much.

Maybe as a solution we could have just gone to the school to log in and reach our stuff and then print it off in the library. We just didn't. We were still so far behind. I'm just so glad our math teacher was beyond understanding and even gave us another option. Though I don't think she fully realized the option she gave us (part of it being online and part of it being in person) is where the struggle is well.. the struggle. We dropped the class mostly because we couldn't keep up because we couldn't even access the homework. Ugh.

But that's okay. There's always another opportunity to do it but I think we should just do math by itself when the opportunity presents itself. After we finish all the other basics, like Biology, Psychology and Interpersonal Communications. I'm sure there may be a few other fields as well but I think those are the main four we need to do for general studies first?

Anyway. Since dropping math class the memories of high school haven't been as prominent. But now we're having this sudden executive dysfunction issue and now.. but I don't fully recall if the lack of doing our homework then was a result of that or a result of the stress of foster care. It could be both or either one. We just can't let this happen again. We cannot. Not for this. Back when we were a child/teenager what matter did it make to us.

There was no dopamine in any of it. ADHD doesn't care about grades and papers and homework. ADHD cares about fun. But now I can't even have fun, just stressed by this idea we'll fall behind again. Why am I front stuck? Why? Can the body just let me switch now? Why do I have to deal with all this life stuff, I'm just a silly woodland boy. I prefer relaxation and comfort with people I care about, not all this stressful stuff.

Marshmallow consistently whispering in my ear that it's okay, it'll be alright. No it won't. It never has been and it never will be. Saying everything will turn out right has actually made things worse before.

[openly-journaling]

Smidge: 2/18/2024

Today wasn't super eventful. In fact, we're having executive dysfunction issues again. We worried this might happen with school but I don't think it's because of school in all honesty. We'll be starting counseling soon, or trying anyway. I hope we find a good counselor. Like really I do.

I think a lot of our issues and current irritation right now comes from the fact that we know we're going in to discuss our trauma for once. Something we've put off and ignored for years. And yeah! We do so great and just fine doing that and shoving it down. But maybe delving into it for once would actually be beneficial.

The very idea of it, of talking about it anyway, is killing us. We drew something last night to cope even though we aren't even remembering it right now. We tried to remember it once and we felt like that was a mistake. It was. A huge mistake. And we haven't touched it since. But it's lingering in the back of our mind currently that we need to talk about it. We want to talk about it.

I'm just not sure if now, during school, is really the best time. But we can take a few deep breaths. We have anxiety and other internal issues we could work through from time to time. I mean, Marshmallow helped sort a lot of things out. And we've had a lot less issues since. I guess the real internal issues now is also the exo trauma. I'm far from ready to talk about mine though.

I know we don't journal often and haven't in awhile. Marshmallow and I were talking though and we think that we should pick it back up again in the case that we do start counseling. Something to talk about and potentially keep our therapist updated on. We can't promise we'll be on top of it as Bobby was, but that's okay.

I think we cut back because we felt like most of our journals were just vents and that every time they weren't vents the days were sort of just the same and dragged on. Hardly a lot of exciting things going on.

I was meditating earlier as well and I was talking to Marshmallow about how I'm going to set up my journal, adding in my picture like Fantasy does. He's my brother. And while we don't know that he's older, he definitely takes on an older brother role. We're twins after all, who knows who was born first? Either way, I do look up to him. I don't always like thinking for myself entirely I suppose.

I should probably go finish up that homework also. It's just two more things we have to do. A journal (not like this, it's different) and a culture project. Nearly all of our Interpersonal Communication's assignments have been late. She's so understanding but we really don't want to keep this up. She might start docking points for it.

It's just.. I looked over the question and I have such a blocking headache (doesn't hurt it just makes me feel like I'm cut off from everything going on around me, like my head is pressed up against a wall and decided the wall is part of us for awhile) that I can barely understand the question. Ugh.

I hope we can get it done by tomorrow. This isn't laziness. I'm not enjoying the time. I'm stressed as fuck. It's nice having Marshmallow here at the front with me though because usually during these mental blocks someone gets front stuck by themselves. He's at least brought me some comfort in all of this.