Headmates Open Journal

This is an open journal for any headmates willing to share. Few are willing so please don't hound us about why more aren't sharing.

[theharvestcollective]

Oh my dear...

....how you've suffered so much already

[openly-journaling]

And Silence still is all that follows...

[theharvestcollective]

Fantasy: Thinking back about some things in the past. Our system used to be such a mess. We weren't always the healthiest people. And unfortunately some people did get hurt. Do we have regrets? Perhaps a few.

But we're in therapy and working through our problems slowly, we're doing our best to build ourselves up and get a fresh start on things.

A lot has changed, our system has changed and our communication is healthier than it was before. We weren't entirely unreasonable in some of our relationships to ask for basic human decency and be loved like an actual existing person.

Unfortunately with BPD tends to come with self destructive and powerful emotional outbursts that can be difficult to control. We're managing it and working through it far more logically than before.

No, things aren't perfect,we aren't and we can't expect to be! But we will try!

Our therapist does at least agree that despite our current relationship being a little rocky, we are trying to make an effort to work on and improve it. Furthermore, we need to learn to set harder boundaries with people we're closer to.

In a past relationship of ours we were constantly asking for clear boundaries to be set. We are Asexual and do not like certain aspects of things, and it's beyond our right to turn down things we are uncomfortable with. But in our desperate need to please we often found ourselves letting people break our boundaries and ask us to do things we are uncomfortable with.

Our new partner is also asexual and understands us very well. We both are a little unhealthy to each other but we are both doing our best to work on it. We both admit we have issues and flaws and mental disorders and instead of avoiding it, both of us are trying to make an effort.

It's slightly upsetting that sometimes we try to communicate and get shut down but at least it wasn't like before where we had to turn around and blame ourselves when we were just asking for something simple like "I don't appreciate it when you make fun of me like that, please don't do that." And they turn around sobbing and crying like the world is falling apart just to shut you up. How dare I have wants and needs.

Not my current partner though! Things often come to a rough stop but we don't have to turn around and blame ourselves for being too sensitive. They're one of the only people that don't want to ask us for gifts or money, that don't beg us for our body.

I appreciate that about them so much. They are disabled af but trying so hard! And I love them so much knowing they respect my boundaries best they can and we respect theirs! They do listen to us too! Even when we think they don't, they come back later and say something that shows they were listening and they care.

I want to protect my partner with my life and I only want the best for them. It's a little unfortunate we don't get to talk all the time but counselling says it's healthy NOT to talk to your partner every day.

They're a little blunt and a little too honest perhaps, it's rocky with different alters but we're hoping things clear up and communicating works out. We're doing our best and we're so much happier than we've been in awhile!

[openly-journaling]

Lumbre: Friday, March 15th, 2024

A long time ago someone confessed intrusive thoughts to us. And in a panic we blocked and reported them to discord ToS, telling them they needed serious help.

I'm wondering now why we did that, when never before had we turned anyone away who was opening up to us, who trusted us with their intrusive thoughts or whatever else. Counselors don't have the right to judge and sure we're not certified counselors yet, but it's clear we were born to be as such.

No other career could best fit us. So why did we do it? She trusted us and we took that and shattered that from her. I hope she's well now and seeking therapy like us.

But I don't know why we did it? Why we'd panicked over hearing a confession of feelings this big when far worse intrusive thoughts and stuff have been confessed to us before and we'd never once judged a person for it.

Why? Why? Why?

To think about what she must have been feeling, that pain, that betrayal? It was so so long ago.

And now I carry this guilt with me because instead of being there when she was crying for help in her own way and attempting to gently direct her towards getting more professional help, we turned her away.

How dare we?

How dare we do such a horrible thing to someone?

[openly-journaling]

Fantasy: 2/22/2024

We went over talking about how the counseling session went and all amongst ourselves and we think it went well overall. We're only hesitant to go weekly because we're kind of worried we'll just be fine most of the time like always.

I think we were a bit surprised we weren't as broken over the trauma over the body at this point even if it still hurts. No, in fact we're more worked up over these other traumas the body DIDN'T experience. How crazy is that?

Still, whether we like it or not these memories are still very real to us. And are very distressing. I see how they affect my brother and how badly he wants to talk about his issues but it's literally so bad for him he physically cannot. I only know because he allowed me to pry into his memories some and I can entirely understand why he doesn't want to talk about it. He's ashamed over what he had to do to help us survive. That's all I'll say publicly though.

We did tell our therapist she could read our journal if she wanted. I don't know if she was uninterested and didn't want the homework of doing so or was just trying to be polite? I don't care I guess. I don't expect her to read this. It would be appreciated but not required.

She only got a glance at the page too and I can't possibly just assume she'll make a tumblr account for this. That's a lot of work. I wonder... Does it ever get exhausting being a counselor. Counselors are really good at making you feel like you're somehow their only client. Well. Most are. Some fall short. I think it's good when they can though. Because it means they're actually available for you in their own way.

We already function so well it's probably amazing anyone would see us start therapy. But haha. Even the best need it too. But she asked us what our goal was and -?

I think we had something in mind but now we aren't so sure. But we should keep trying! I'm not a fan of new people or anything but it can't hurt.

Anyway that's my two cents for the journal.

[openly-journaling]

Smidge: 2/19/2024

So we got a counseling appointment Wednesday morning. I'd like to stop dissociating so much, it's not like our body says we're going to switch out any time soon by the feel of it. Still front stuck with Marshmallow. though I did feel Dizzy's presence a bit earlier and Andrew's. They were more co-conscious. The headache has disappeared at least, so there's that. Homework is due tomorrow and I.. still haven't started.

I'm in a FAR better mood than yesterday and the day before, so I SHOULD be able to get it done. I hope. Why am I so paralyzed by all of this. Marshmallow would step in but he can't seem to take over any control over the body right now. It's like he's just here to keep me company. I want to talk to my brother again and know how he's doing.

I want to see Sorrow and I hope he's doing well without me also. But I just feel so stuck here. It's so funny Marshmallow is a gatekeeper but sometimes it just doesn't fucking work for him either. His ability to control who fronts is limited to when and only when we aren't locked like this.

I don't feel miserable but I feel miserable. Not like "it's the end of the world, kill me, I need to quit school" miserable. But just.. "I wish I could just do it" miserable. I'm so tired. Mentally over this issue. Like everywhere else right now I'm fine for the most part. Minor anxieties. I think knowing we still have at least a 90% in both classes helps. So if we fall back a little bit it won't damage things too much. But that doesn't mean that just because we can, we should.

I don't remember if I talked about this in the last post. I don't recall doing it, but being late, behind all of that has brought back memories of high school. Knowing we'd never be good enough for anyone back then. That's why we dropped math class. It wasn't like the math was hard, we were just so behind at that point in just trying to reach the homework that it stressed us out too much.

Maybe as a solution we could have just gone to the school to log in and reach our stuff and then print it off in the library. We just didn't. We were still so far behind. I'm just so glad our math teacher was beyond understanding and even gave us another option. Though I don't think she fully realized the option she gave us (part of it being online and part of it being in person) is where the struggle is well.. the struggle. We dropped the class mostly because we couldn't keep up because we couldn't even access the homework. Ugh.

But that's okay. There's always another opportunity to do it but I think we should just do math by itself when the opportunity presents itself. After we finish all the other basics, like Biology, Psychology and Interpersonal Communications. I'm sure there may be a few other fields as well but I think those are the main four we need to do for general studies first?

Anyway. Since dropping math class the memories of high school haven't been as prominent. But now we're having this sudden executive dysfunction issue and now.. but I don't fully recall if the lack of doing our homework then was a result of that or a result of the stress of foster care. It could be both or either one. We just can't let this happen again. We cannot. Not for this. Back when we were a child/teenager what matter did it make to us.

There was no dopamine in any of it. ADHD doesn't care about grades and papers and homework. ADHD cares about fun. But now I can't even have fun, just stressed by this idea we'll fall behind again. Why am I front stuck? Why? Can the body just let me switch now? Why do I have to deal with all this life stuff, I'm just a silly woodland boy. I prefer relaxation and comfort with people I care about, not all this stressful stuff.

Marshmallow consistently whispering in my ear that it's okay, it'll be alright. No it won't. It never has been and it never will be. Saying everything will turn out right has actually made things worse before.

[openly-journaling]

Smidge: 2/18/2024

Today wasn't super eventful. In fact, we're having executive dysfunction issues again. We worried this might happen with school but I don't think it's because of school in all honesty. We'll be starting counseling soon, or trying anyway. I hope we find a good counselor. Like really I do.

I think a lot of our issues and current irritation right now comes from the fact that we know we're going in to discuss our trauma for once. Something we've put off and ignored for years. And yeah! We do so great and just fine doing that and shoving it down. But maybe delving into it for once would actually be beneficial.

The very idea of it, of talking about it anyway, is killing us. We drew something last night to cope even though we aren't even remembering it right now. We tried to remember it once and we felt like that was a mistake. It was. A huge mistake. And we haven't touched it since. But it's lingering in the back of our mind currently that we need to talk about it. We want to talk about it.

I'm just not sure if now, during school, is really the best time. But we can take a few deep breaths. We have anxiety and other internal issues we could work through from time to time. I mean, Marshmallow helped sort a lot of things out. And we've had a lot less issues since. I guess the real internal issues now is also the exo trauma. I'm far from ready to talk about mine though.

I know we don't journal often and haven't in awhile. Marshmallow and I were talking though and we think that we should pick it back up again in the case that we do start counseling. Something to talk about and potentially keep our therapist updated on. We can't promise we'll be on top of it as Bobby was, but that's okay.

I think we cut back because we felt like most of our journals were just vents and that every time they weren't vents the days were sort of just the same and dragged on. Hardly a lot of exciting things going on.

I was meditating earlier as well and I was talking to Marshmallow about how I'm going to set up my journal, adding in my picture like Fantasy does. He's my brother. And while we don't know that he's older, he definitely takes on an older brother role. We're twins after all, who knows who was born first? Either way, I do look up to him. I don't always like thinking for myself entirely I suppose.

I should probably go finish up that homework also. It's just two more things we have to do. A journal (not like this, it's different) and a culture project. Nearly all of our Interpersonal Communication's assignments have been late. She's so understanding but we really don't want to keep this up. She might start docking points for it.

It's just.. I looked over the question and I have such a blocking headache (doesn't hurt it just makes me feel like I'm cut off from everything going on around me, like my head is pressed up against a wall and decided the wall is part of us for awhile) that I can barely understand the question. Ugh.

I hope we can get it done by tomorrow. This isn't laziness. I'm not enjoying the time. I'm stressed as fuck. It's nice having Marshmallow here at the front with me though because usually during these mental blocks someone gets front stuck by themselves. He's at least brought me some comfort in all of this.

[openly-journaling]

Citlali - Saturday January 6 2024

It's funny I was just thinking about why we even have a diary or journal or whatever that we even write in. Especially when days have been so uneventful.

Ithaqua is now spending more and more time away from the front and with his now husband Alva (they got married in headspace on the 1st)

Fern/Smidge spends most of his time off with his boyfriend Sorrow and I am now with Fantasy.

Fantasy insists on getting time with his brother so I'm by myself mostly right now. Though Plague joined me at front awhile.

What is going on with our system one can only wonder. We formed Marshmallow recently to protect us over a few phrases that trigger us. So hopefully we can reduce the amount of stress and rapid switching when such phrases set us off.

Marshmallow also insists on almost completely reworking the system (helping people into groups, giving them better spaces, and finding out who's all where exactly since we hardly pay attention to each other outside of our own spaces in the headspace) good for him, he's keeping busy.

I suppose all this journaling is just good for keeping track of things but as far as we aren't concerned our memories aren't split and we remember it all anyway. Feels more like a vent post some days.

I've also caught myself in the midst of consistently having to reassure my bf (Fantasy) and others in the system when they're facing issues and I hope we can improve but it's so strange at times.

Kind of slipping back into Maladaptive daydreaming as well out of boredom while we wait to finally start college on the 11th.

Psychology. If we can get into that we can further study DID/OSDD and endo systems and hopefully uncover the truth once and for all. I would speak of this more in depth on our plans but at the same time there is a selfish part of us that doesn't fully want others nosing in on our research and how we plan to go about it. Thanks to a friend we've been given another approach even on how to study this that may not have been considered before.

We would need several volunteers from endo, endo neutral and anti endo communities and not just from our own perspective. We only know our experiences.

But something we've noticed talking with endos is that they tend to experience some things antis never speak about experiencing. I will not list them here. Still, if there's a chance to learn more, we wish to find out.

But first, I suppose, we start with basic steps. Basic learning. Hopefully it won't take too long for us to actually be allowed to do research and dedicate our life to further understanding this disorder that most other psychologists probably won't delve into.

We'd also like to understand psychiatry. Hopefully one day we'll have a breakthrough.

[openly-journaling]

Art by Circusblades

Fantasy: Dec 13th 2023

LMFAO there's no fucking way. A long time ago we tried to get ahold of our now ex friend's ex friend and we learned so fucking much.

This is a public journal so I'm not revealing much but omg (I'll remember - key word for my ADHD rumination). The amount of story twisting and lies we found out. 💀

I just, I can't lmfaoooooo

I don't feel guilty anymore in the slightest about cutting them off. Not one bit.

It's so ironic though that they just only happened to finally accept our friend request AFTER we cut this other person off. Like not a month after, a few whole freaking days. A FEW days after cutting them off. It's like a coincidence.

And at the end of the day I'm beginning to think they didn't actually care about us one fucking bit. We were simply a tool for whatever they needed. Fuck that shit.

And so many signs came of it. As we talked more and more so much more things made sense. The pieces fell together and I am genuinely glad we got to talk with them, this entire thing makes it so much easier.

[openly-journaling]

Art by Circusblades

Fnatasy: Dec 12th 2023

We officially graduated our GED today. A long time ago we quit that other job. It was exhausting, bad on our hip and our heart just wasn't in it. Doodles are fucking crazy.

So we've set our sights on college and we're going to be a psychologist. We're so happy to have graduated. And even though only the teachers were available to support us, we didn't care. We made it this far. We're proud of us.

Time to see how much further we can go!

[openly-journaling]

Art by Circusblades

Fantasy: Thursday Dec 7th 2023

Can't believe it's almost the end of the year. We've barely touched this blog in awhile but now more than ever I need to get my emotions out. For the first time I cut off a close friend from our life. We've cut people out before for other reasons but never someone close to us.

It might seem silly, as I know what they might go through with this, it is affecting me quite a bit all the same. But this was a long thought out decision of multiple people telling us to let them go. It took a long time for us to accept that might be the best option.

There is no resentment or hate towards them. We will miss the memories we made but we knew from the start that there was a chance we'd lose it all either way. We took that risk and have no regrets on the matter. We learned from our own mistakes in the relationship and we hope they learn as well. No ill will is meant and I have no intentions of asking people to side with us. Most of it was issues they'll never run across anyway. We wish them all the best and to have a better life without us in it.

I still feel bad about it. Like would it have just been better to be the kind of friends that just hang out occasionally? I feel like when we told them to go away some of the things we said may have sounded unfair. And certainly a lot was left out.

Just because you don't get along with someone doesn't make that person a bad person. Sometimes people just have very different needs from others. Some people have things they've got to work on. This doesn't necessarily mean either side is bad. Just incompatible.

Oddly enough as much as I despise having cut them out, I also don't regret it. But I still need time to grieve. Especially for how they are feeling. We know them so well and I think that's what makes me feel like a jerk.

However, do not let it be said we didn't give them an explanation/reason for cutting them off. We explained our piece as we would wish someone to do for us if they ever decided to cut us off, however painful that may be. We do care still. But for the sake of both side, this may be for the best.

I'm sorry. We'll miss you. Please stay safe. And please have a good life. Genuinely.

So If you're reading this, you're not a bad person (please always remember that). You just need to find someone more compatible to your needs. And you will someday. But that person isn't us. And thank you for being our friend as long as you were. Your company was very important to us.

[openly-journaling]

As I dreamt last night my arms were freshly cut and long since scarred. I fell apart tangled and marred. These stressors drag me down and carry me far. I need to release this soon or lower the bar.

Perhaps my standards of living are too high for the government so slick, so sly. To want affordable food, to want affordable care. To want affordable shelter and to work on my hair. To ask for anything I ask for too much, and the ungrateful take from me and such.

Maybe I don't cut myself on the outside but I desperately feel the urge on the inside.

Disclaimer: I want to be clear I'm not being ableist or mocking or anything of the sort to people who do cut. I have literally constantly caused myself self harm in multiple ways before and occasionally still do. And while it's always been picking at my skin and never the urge to cut, as I get older my curiosity rises to this idea that maybe it would be a much better release. The only reason I won't do it is because I literally can't bring myself to do so.

[openly-journaling]

Wrath: April 9th 2023

Strangest thing. And we don't normally do this because it's typically pretty cruel but this one delusional person messaged us that is obsessed with "finding the real Hiro" irl and now thinks we're the real Hiro (no we are NOT getting our hiro fictive involved!) BEFORE THAT-

We were actually making fun of them. And again we normally just block and move on. Only thing is this person CAME BACK once more after getting bullied for being an adult looking for this 14 year old that doesn't exist irl. They have harassed SEVERAL people and are so delusional to the point that they are stupid trusting.

So.

They got tricked by some jerk into having intercourse with them that they didn't want in order to "free hiro" which is disgusting! Even if it was just roleplay. Once they believed we were Hiro this person just blindly believed us and gave us their address! LIKE UH???

and apparently the phone number of their guardian. Which we're currently trying to get a hold of to let this person know that, hey uh, this person you're watching.. yeah they aren't safe. They are so not ready to be online and need serious mental help regarding this issue.

We are only good at helping people with minor issues. We are not equipped to deal with genuinely delusional people who cannot be reasoned with.

It feels ironic saying that since that's probably how medical professionals see us as systems. But it's very different when there's a huge level of maturity vs such immaturity that you'd genuinely believe your crush is contacting you through ALTERNATIVE DIMENSIONS and is creating a portal to get to you and is suddenly 17 after some time warping shit and suddenly has a very feminine voice.

Once we get into contact with her guardian we are definitely dropping this charade. I cannot handle whatever this is.

For their sake they WILL remain anonymous. I'll know who they are should I return to read these entries anyway. I just hope we can help protect them before they get seriously hurt.

Especially with one person already having taken advantage of them. Thankfully most people are just ignoring and blocking which is what we should all be doing, actually. She needs to give up and just accept that Hiro isn't coming back.

From what I've gathered, some idiot a long time ago called himself "Hiro Hamada" when texting her and then just started ghosting her suddenly. Or blocked her or something. And she's been searching since. The rest is very personal and unrelated to the story so no need to go there. But whoever started this probably needs help too.. fuck..

[openly-journaling]

This is not about claustrophobia.

If anything it's about being trapped.

Morrow upon morrow in this dystopia.

Evenings blinded by the setting sun.

I don't choose violence or death

Sounds of screams unfold unheard

Religion tearing out my every breath

Under God's great reign they say

Nobody better than the All Mighty

Nobody with rights to judge or speak

In his behalf, it's so unsightly.

Nothing to stop this blood.

Getting out is impossible now

Out of money, out of houses.

Under hateful rule, a furrowed brow

Transphobia and homophobia.

Slavery and racism, blood and tears

Above it all their evil smirks and lies

Veiling the truth that they fear

Enveloping us in control.

Under it all, we are ants.

So small under these giants.

-GothicGhost System-

[openly-journaling]

Wrath: Sat, April 8th

It's been difficult to remember to journal. Life has become so wonderful since getting down here. Every week we have a sleepover with our partner. We go out and eat or see things or stay inside and snuggle.

Sadly we accidentally tore up the side of our car a little. It's not horrid but the worst part was when it hit our landlords truck. He was kind and understanding and our insurance is covering it. The rain came down and blinded us last minute as we were pulling in to park.

So.. an idea of our schedule is work Monday-Thursday and our boss says he'll start teaching us how to train dogs on Fridays. Saturdays we spent with our partner and Sunday we basically sleep all day.

We still have to do taxes, and apparently this state has a state tax that has to be paid also. We are considering dropping on our GED since our boss has offered us business.

I just guess when we're happy we feel there's less to journal about. On one hand it's like our journal is just a place to drop our vents and occasionally when things are good.

But life still isn't perfect. Because of this safety feeling we've gotten headmates that seem to be fighting and stirring up trouble. I'm guessing to keep us on our feet. Memories from old traumas are trying to slip back in and for once we're not sure how to cope. It was easy in survival mode where it was focus on the now not look back at what was unless necessary for experiences.

We've also gone back to living terrible maladaptive daydreaming stories in our head that we struggle to control. But this has nothing to do with being here. It's being in America in general.

They said it will get worse before it gets better. I hope it gets better. I'm tired of living in fear that this might not last. So I've been living each day to the fullest.

I saw a TikTok about how fear isn't the only tactic of control. But disgust is far stronger than fear, which can be dissipated quickly unlike the feeling of disgust.

--TRIGGER WARNINGS BEFORE YOU CONTINUE--

--Politics, religion, anti-lgbtq mentions, child grooming mentions, etc--

People have disappeared mysteriously from protests trying to protect trans people or the LGBTQ in general and are still missing apparently. I don't know if that's true but I believe it.

They have controlled Christianity with disgust by telling them we (the LGBTQ) are child groomers. That we hurt children or that we are perverts trying to get into the opposite gender's spaces. They have said that gay men are gross and disgusting for hitting on straight men who are uninterested despite cis straight [white] men doing the same thing to women. And those men still miss the point. They have said we're murderers despite the fact that most every killer is a cis white man. They attack poc and say they are horrible people and all of them are wrapped up in drugs and sex and are generally bad people. That anyone they don't agree with must be disgusting and gross in some way.

I want to turn it back on them so bad. Put up signs that list of all the priests who have harmed children. To put up a list of all the cis people who have created shootings. I want to put up signs talking about how disgusting Christianity is for wanting to kill people they don't agree with.

I want to prove them right. Because no matter how much I scream and cry at the top of my lungs, those blind sheep will continue to see us as monsters. I don't want to prove everything right. Obviously no intention of hurting children. No. I want to prove them how violent we supposedly are. I want to fight back. I'm tired of being backed into a corner.

But the more we fight the more we are also stigmatized. We have every right to fight back and we don't. Whether it's because of fear or simply that we don't have the capabilities right now. The government would just call Martial Law and leave us among ourselves to fight probably.

And us fighting each other is exactly what the government wants. The government wants to keep us divided. But how the hell do we get through to christians? To boomers who have had everything easier, their future promised to them? How do we face boomers that see us as whiny, dramatic, ungrateful, spoiled and lazy? How they see us as disrespectful. How much do they fear us that they have to keep coming up with more labels of disgust over us that they might continue to feel high and mighty?

If we turn those tables onto them will it make things worse? Will they get more violent? Will they open their eyes? They talk all the time about being oppressed but they don't really know what oppression is. Clearly.

If we turn the tables on them, talk about how lazy they are by taking some time off work instead of working hard, or talk about how disgusting they are for taking children to church with them to groom them into religion.. what would happen? They want to just deny everything. And when we deny shit we're apparently liars... Flops

I'm tired of using my words. I'm tired of just sitting here waiting for shit to happen. And if I had nothing to lose I'd sure as hell be doing something. But until they take everything from me, I'm bound to mental chains that keep me in place. Besides. It's best to wait until the right opportunity. When the trouble finds me first. When there's no backing out and it's life or death.

Until then.. I'll stay in this.. place. I don't plan on hurting anyone of course. Even I don't think I have it in me. Not here. I just want to stand my ground. That's all.

[openly-journaling]

Night Watch: Sat, Feb 18th 2023

Went to a parade tonight and it was going great! We enjoyed it a lot. Around 6pm a fight broke out close by and then very shortly after people were mentioning a shooting far down the road. And then it got closer to us and we had to hurry out of there.

Besides all that, we're working on making amends with our father but we still can't fully give the effort back that he wants of usm I don't think we'll ever quite have that energy.

We got ourselves something to eat and are working through a few other minor problems as well. But I think we'll be okay for now.

2023 is crazy and it's not getting any better from here. Whatever god is out there, if they even exist... Help us all.

[openly-journaling]

Dissociated/Blurry: Tuesday Feb 15th 2023

We got a message from our dad explaining to us all the reasons why we're a problem to him. We DID tell him to tell us so we're not mad but we're certainly hurting.

He told us we were being some ungrateful brat (which really isn't true) perhaps it's just how we're coming off. We have so much mental shit we just want to forget about. We want to believe were good enough. He also accused us of lying and saying we got a letter from him that we didn't because we happened to be getting our bills in the mail.

Like yeah but we'd also missed some bills which we'd mentioned! And because of that we had late fees.

He complained about how we struggled to give back $500 (it wasn't an emergency or a need, just wanted to give back. He said we didn't owe him anything but we wanted to help where we could and we really really did try!) Unfortunately we never could deposit the money due to financial issues and bank issues we refused to tell him about because.. well idk really.

Just feel like we can't tell anyone anything without them assuming we're making excuses.

Anyway our reply was this.

I don't want to make excuses or have you feel like I'm making any.

no. i didn't get the letter. I promise I didn't. and I didn't mean it like I'm being a brat about "it's not like I'm getting a gift." (The letter was about his issues with us and he asked if we had gotten it and we explained why we hadn't because of the mailing issues and how we weren't exactly excited because we weren't excited to get attacked over every little thing that's wrong with us. We never actually said "it's not like we're getting a gift," but that's clearly what he heard and I just don't have the energy to fight with or try to correct him on it)

I'm a fool and a coward through life. life has put me down and crippled me to the point where I struggle.

THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT YOUR HELP. (He insisted on giving us money so we didn't go hungry when we started making less and rent went up beyond what we could afford with bills AND food)

THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT YOU GIVING ME MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

it always goes wrong. with everyone. I really really do try. I've learned with ADHD that my executive dysfunction makes simple tasks really big and overwhelmingly impossible and then the only time they work out is after severe punishments or the time my brain starts panicking over painful situations like this.

I'M NOT UNGRATEFUL you have no idea how much it plagues me knowing that I'm nothing but a disappointment that I've never been anything but and it's easy to be a disappointment.

I really did want to put money in but I wasn't making enough from work anymore because I was burning out and I just didn't know what to say. and I wanted to keep myself on easy ground in case of emergency or if Jane didn't come through.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. and I was beginning to get to a point when I decided I didn't want to confide with you about my personal problems anymore because it just caused us problems. so I was planning on just talking about the future we were planning for to keep that hope alive.

I will pay it all back one day when it counts the most, I really always do. trust me or don't but if it's really big and I have whatever needed, I will help! I'm sorry.

it seems I've failed with you too.

and I'm not saying any of this to make up excuses.

I still never understood why you trusted me in the first place. (All the other siblings had proved to be an issue and stolen from him)

I'm a nervous, anxious wreck and I hate that about myself. nobody ever taught me the tools on how to regulate my ADHD.

everyone is constantly "well I did this, why can't you!?" "well I have ADHD and I did this!" "You're just lazy"

hhh... I promise I'm not ungrateful. I'm extremely highly aware of the fact you're upset with me. I'm hyper aware after every conversation how much I've hurt you. how hard it hits me too. but frustratingly enough only after the conversation. which I end up beating myself up for all week.

I have always failed. I always will fail. I know that now more than ever. so I decided to do the one thing I could do left. careless about whether I live or die or how long I have left to live in this world, I've decided that I'll live as happily as I can until whatever ends me ends me. I'm not suicidal, I'm just indifferent at this point.

nothing in life excites me the same. I am depressed. me rushing out here was a last resort to keeping me going. [This was the only way I could be happy anymore, was with Axe.]

I wrote in my journal about how upset I was leaving you without having visited. about how if I never see you again it'll have been all my fault. and that's a regret I'm going to live with for the rest of my life if that happens. and I know it. how pathetic right? knowing that I'm hurting you and myself like that. I've let so many people down, dad.

I'm not good at coming through with minor issues. I'm not good at helping with small things. I'm only good at helping in more serious situations. and it makes me look really bad.

I am bad.

I am a problem child. god..

don't help me anymore. just don't do it! I WARNED YOU. I FREAKING WARNED YOU!!!

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm SORRY!

but it's not enough from me. if you want nothing to do with me then that's fine. you can walk away now. I'll take the blame. because I AM to blame. and I know that. I love you. I really do.

End of letter

If anything.. if there's anything positive out of this. I'm glad he's finally learning not to give himself away like that. He gave up all of his money for everyone else and that fucker had a shit ton of money. He made the mistake of losing it all to everyone and we were just getting scraps that we told him not to give us. But he's finally learning to put his foot down and say that enough is enough.

And I suppose it's safe to say we're proud of him for that but it still hurts that his misunderstanding of us and lack of hearing us properly over the phone (as well as our lack of competence to do something as basic as getting on his visitor list) has twisted a really bad impression of us that he actually sees us as some ungrateful brat.

We are the least ungrateful people we know. We don't complain when we're fed something we don't like, we're just glad people made an attempt to feed us. We don't scream at waiters to fix our order on one small mistake, we eat it and we leave be. We really deeply appreciate when people want to spend time with us and pay attention to us because people don't very often.

We deeply appreciate when people give us things or just want to hang out even if we're covering the bill. But he can't see that side of us from behind bars. He can't see how much light it brings to our eyes the most basic of things. The skip it puts in our step when we get literally anything small!

We have lived deprived of help for so long that we were oft afraid of asking for it. And when we started asking for it as an adult and we get it we're overjoyed and more than grateful! We're falling all over someone with thanks and praises!

But the I guess we get too much help and it's "never a problem" "you don't owe me anything" and when we offer to help there's nothing they can think of that's within our capabilities but then they do something big for us that requires us doing something small for them and BAM suddenly we can't do it and we're bad people. Suddenly "you're so ungrateful, I did all this for you and you can't do this for me? I went through all this trouble for you and you can't play this one small part!?"

It seems stupid and insignificant. A task that should be easy for literally anyone but is just so difficult for us. When we offer ways of helping that actually both benefits them and are things we CAN do they just... don't accept because it's a really big task ig? idfk!

Now we just want to withdraw with this next part of our lives.

Become that mysterious internet figure that's good at art and has a tight nit friend group and lets nobody but my close friends in who get it. Who get me. That's how I see a lot of popular artists online anyway. Yeah just stick to myself and hope that nobody thinks I'm selfish over things.

Allow myself to like and appreciate the art of others and drop a positive loving comment even when I don't have the mental capacity just so maybe MAYBE people won't think the only thing I care about is myself. Maybe people will care about my stuff too? Maybe we can all care about each other's silly little shit? Damn...

I guess we really are selfish, aren't we?

I don't have the spoons (energy) all the time. It's a mental battle, not a physical one, dammit!!!

[openly-journaling]

Elijah: MON Feb, 6th 2023

We are settling so well in our new place in Louisiana and we finally got an interview for a job. Hopefully we can get the job even if it's just temporarily.

We really need the job and then we can start looking for an apartment. And then after we have an apartment we can start looking to get our GED.

And once we get our GED we can go to college!

I just really hope that everything will work out but just in case we should still be filling out some more job applications besides we don't exactly plan to be working at this one place forever.

But it's better safe than being jobless at all. And admittedly will probably be working there for a while yet because it takes a lot of spoons to be able to fill out job applications for us.

But that's okay! I'm really excited.