#smls

[cha-com-a2]

Vocês estão usando palavras que nem sequer sabem o significado.

— Estou desistindo.

[sheddingmylastsanityy]

I can feel it starting to click again. Didn't eat when I got home last night. Also tossed n turned all night??? But had a cig lol so maybe that's why iunno.

My counselor telling me that I'm doing good n this n that blah blah blah like. Thanks but no. I'm suffering. Idk how to make that clear. I even said I been going backwards bc noise/environment but so many other things are like "wow that's huge" (fr) so it's like "I'm doing great" but no I still wanna be gone lawl. But what can ya do.

I'm gunna make muffins but also I'm "scared" bc then I'll have muffins lol. But also that could just be my food for the rest of the day it wouldn't be that bad, assuming they turn out and I'm able to save a couple for a friend lol.

I did a lil walk at least but it's so hot so it's hard to do a proper walk lately. N my usual yoga. Did some deadlifts. Few ab things last night. My tailbone is problematic? I'm tryna fix my butt but it's haard

[sheddingmylastsanityy]

I was doing good yesterday and then "just one treat" turned into ??? On top of the cookies I "let" myself buy. N threw out 1/3 of the pack bc I knew I'd eat all of them in one day. So like 3000-4000 yesterday lol......

On track today. I wanted to fast but I feel like that's just not realistic. Already had dinner. Bloobs n cocomilk for dessert MAYBE when I come home. But even with that I'm under 1500. One day at a time -_- by next week it'll be part of my routine again. It's not like I'm even hungry or often get hungry bc I do eat enough bc so much fruit n veg n whole foods so I'm just bingeing for shits like wtf . It's not going to fill up the imaginary hole. Smoking won't either but imma just smoke more lol (weed. Still no cigs. 5 days)

My plan is to try to just take it easy. Keep up with daily yoga. Stay on top of dishes. Booty workout every other day. It's rather mild tho so I wanna find a more intense one to do once a week ish? I came across one that was abs too just gotta find it. I felt super tired this morning doing yoga n butt but so many allergens last night so oh fuck and my period soon. As long as I stay on track until then I should be good bc I usually feel better/less hungry once I start.

Also more scrolling. I really feel like it makes a difference bc its in my subconscious then? Iunno. I want it so bad I almost get excited looking at some of the pics? Lol idk how else to explain it.

I think imma still wear my dress tonight, or skirt? But what shirt? No one's gunna care that I'm fatter. I just wanna wear dress. But also gotta be careful n remember to wear shorts out of the house 🙃 like so I'm not seen in a dress bc my lil town is whack n im not taking chances. Where I'm going is chill so we good

I tried ironing the dress after wetting it bc its hella wrinkly but it seems like there's stuff on the iron so I stopped. It's just not worth it. I'd wash/dry it but obviously I hadn't pulled it out in time and its fking coin laundry so I'm not spending that money.

Also my dumbass outreach worker asked why I'm just "alright". Bro wtf. How would I be good. I'm alive. I have no money. I'm disabled af. No one to talk to. I'm fking dying except I'm not bc I got FAT.

Eww also I hit 138.8 this morning. Get it together!

[sheddingmylastsanityy]

I got too cocky and ~magically~ back to 135. I have been working on my booty tho and I think it's gotten bigger so..... but also my thighs are looking huge again so my 5lbs went to my thighs. Eww.

Kinda ate too much today, but did long walk with weight. N yoga. N im not smoking cigs so tryna give myself some grace but also it won't be long before I'm 140 if I'm not careful lol. I got lotsa dumb excuses. Anyways, over 2000 cals which is gross but my app says in range n my walk is only accounted for without weight. And I'm tryna get back to tracking. And my life is back to bs so yup. I keep telling myself 1500 n then binge before I'm even there lol so back to basics, 1800 max for a week or two or something. Literally that could bring me back under 130 for August if I just stick to it!!

Allergic to everything. If it's mcas, and I do have an issue with sunflower (idk) or safflower (unsure but I think I was having issues awhile ago when I had that oil) and they're in the same family as daisies, therefore camomile which I have been unsure about having an issue with.....cornflower? Too? I'm not looking it up. There's something that's in a bunch of tea that's related to them too. And oh hai STEVIA lawl. "How could I be allergic to stevia" well there you go. So my protein shakes with stevia, and pb powder (allergic) and chocolate (allergic) makes me feel whack, no wonder I couldn't sit still before. Plus the lilbit of caffeine. And the bananas. Feeling much looser without bananas. N also I think my meds are causing high blood sugar? Yay. Don't get to find out for a week tho.

Allergic to all the nuts (n seeds, I have tried pumpkin but walmart brand so maybe that was the issue (wish I was joking)) and I'm vegan basically now n im not gunna just add olive oil to everything n is too much coconut fats bad bc saturated but plants like jfc how do I get fat. I know there's a little bit of fat in stuff but if I'm having a sugar issue, less carbs is better so like wtf do I eat. I'm hoping changing meds will magically solve the problem. I eat so healthy I don't understand. Like my sweets are a tablespoon or 2 or maple syrup (in stuff lol) or the maaaybe once a week ice cream. Plus proper small serving of cake once or twice a week. Almost all whole foods (plant vased) otherwise. HOW do I have a SUAGR problem. I can't type anymore