#smol j

[fosterthababies]

Things have been rough. I had to miss my Skype with Smol J because of acute shell shock. I was driving my 16 year old nephew home from school and we passed a crime scene with a man shot dead, lying in a gas station parking lot.

I never get used to it. One day, when I lived in Chicago, I saw two people die in one day.

Even though my PTSD isn’t gun violence / murder related I’m still, I think, extra shook.

My alternator died. With no other options available, I ordered one off amazon and set about teaching myself how to change out an alternator by watching YouTube videos. I’ve never even changed my own oil. I got lots of “you go girl”ish comments (literally what my mom said). And I was a little put out because I wasn’t doing it from some sense of pluck or anything. I kind of felt like, well, here we are in late capitalism and if I need a root canal, I’m probably going to have to learn how to do my own on YouTube.

And the battery died a massive death, from its grief at being left alone there, and it had to be replaced too.

I’m temping at an office full of friendly women who are doing massively soul sucking, miserable work.

I leave for work early and get home late and then have insomnia and im not very nice to my family. Tonight though. I finished my book (Station Eleven, so beautiful, YOU MUST READ IT) as we all sat in the living room chatting and reading / staring at screens. It was cozy and nice for awhile there tonight.

[fosterthababies]

I love Smol J’s grandmother so insanely much

I’m having a really rough time last night and tonight, and I haven’t been able to get it together to Skype with him. 

She just sent me a text full of “we love you”s and “we’ll talk whenever”s and “there there”s.

[fosterthababies]

goodnight kittens

I just read my baby to sleep over Skype and I’m the happiest I’ve been in forever.

He’s safe with grandma and the weight of the world is off my shoulders.

[fosterthababies]

I’m not accustomed

to receiving good news, so I’m not sure how to proceed here. She has zero details, but Smol J’s grandma told me this morning that he is being removed from WERIDR and emergency placed with her.

I am, unspeakably, incandescently joyous.

This means love, attention, stability, proper trauma informed parenting for Smol J. This means full support of our continued relationship with him. Not tolerance of, but actual SUPPORT.

[fosterthababies]

drama and bullshit

I am so done with WEIRDR. He declined calls and ignored texts all day Sunday, which is when grandmother and I have our video chat visits scheduled. Then he texted us both on Monday morning “apologizing” but totally not. He claims he is too busy to give us “the space/time” to talk with Smol J.

Dude, legally you are that child’s foster parent and that’s it - the state gives no damn that you’re his grandfather. You have maybe no legal problem with denying me visits (although the case plan requires it) but his GRANDMOTHER? Hell no, you cannot.

I want to ask him how he would’ve felt if I had just not shown up with the baby for his visit one day, and ignored his calls and texts.

The case plan also states that Smol J has to stay in tumbling, no matter who has him. WEIRDR actually used that to argue that he should get placement of Smol J over grandmother - that he could keep him in the same tumbling class. I’ve told the CW that tumbling keeps emailing me and asking why we stopped going. Perfect.

[fosterthababies]

one childhood, packed

My whole body is screaming HOW CAN THIS BE?

[fosterthababies]

Beloved Therapist, as I have mentioned, worked in this county’s foster care system for many years. She’s an amazing resource for me because of that. Duh. When she first suggested that we get a pillow with one of the portraits on it for Smol J to take with him, I felt really weird about it. But she said it helps a lot of littles a great deal, and I am taking all suggestions. I got two copies of the same pillow (back and front shown here). One will go with him wherever he goes next and the other will go to grandma’s, where I’m sending a vault of his stuff. When I saw his reaction, and as he’s talked about the pillows here and there over the past couple days, I have completely come around. A two year old can’t really have a photo as a keepsake. There’s paper and frames and all sorts of breakables potentially involved. But this is just a photo for a baby. Unbreakable, cuddly, easy to carry about. It broke all my “my face on a pillow? what the fuck ever” attitude forever and ever and everyone should do this for transitions.

(Got them from zazzle, but I’m sure Shutterfly and others have the same offers.)

[fosterthababies]

The case planning meeting we were supposed to have 90 days into placement happened today. We are now at one year with Smol J, so a leetle behind schedule.

Lots of people who hate each other in one room is always a great time, but this really took the cake.

We have been pinning our lives on this meeting, being told that The Plan would be Known To All at this meeting.

Instead it was a ridiculous theater. Nobody said anything they meant. Things that are off the table were presented as working options. I feel like a fool for believing that this meeting would tell us anything.

We still have zero idea what will happen aside from father’s PR’s are going to be T’d and that mother has six more months to try to get it together. We all knew that already.

There is no talk of him staying with us, only deciding between two grandparents that the SW team has expressed serious doubts about in safe-permanency terms. None of that was addressed, it was all completely blowing smoke up butts.

The only good thing is that we hired a new sitter (psh. new. we have never left him with a sitter, ever.) so we could both attend this life changing meeting. Now Smol J has a new best friend for life. This woman is incredible and madly in love with Smol J. Like folks are.

I have no idea when we’ll move, if I’ll get to take my dream job in [new town], nothing. My entire future is still just the agonizing question mark that it has been for the past year.

I am beyond exhausted. I am beyond over it. Smol J deserves so much more than he’s getting from one of the more functional foster care systems in the country. I feel like I’ve said this and read y’all writing this nonstop forever.