hmmm i need to get some thoughts out
i feel a weight on my shoulders.
i’ve been told to move on from the past — to look forward. it’s hard to.
i have been struggling with my identity and who i want to be. i have been no contact with my family for around two years now. i was talking today about how part of me feels like my identity has changed with my current familial situation…i live closer to my hometown now, and it’s like a memory is around every corner. didn’t i want to leave to escape that?
my identity. my job is shit, and covid/family situation fucked me from going to college. i have to wait til i’m 24 to do my fafsa alone. and then that’s a whole other thing - like, what the hell do i do? in my job, i have strong marketing skills and know i’m good at it because i can watch what people consume, and know how to sell more.
but it feels…slimy, a lot of the time. especially in this political state, when so many people in our country are struggling to even have a roof over their heads. but i know i could work with a marketing degree.
but what about everything else?
i LOVE to write, i LOVE to ski, i LOVE to make videos - do i just…allow those things to be reduced to hobbies? (skiing in…florida? yeah right😐)
i certainly have lost my sureness and self, but i just wanted to spread my wings. like, why do i feel like i’m ruined inside? not from my relationship, maybe from my past, but is this what they meant? to let go of it? should i just write a stack of my worst memories from childhood & burn it or something?
5 years ago, i thought i’d be going to art school.
4 years ago, i was lowkey brainwashed and in a horrendous relationship. i was also having a battle with my parents; as i continued to want independence, it was met with volatility.
3 years ago, i was in a new relationship, and i’d moved 2000 miles away with a seasonal position to a city i’d visited one time. polar opposite to my hometown. i didn’t want to go home when the snow melted.
2 years ago, trying to move back to that city, we got scammed out of a lot of money lol. shortly after, i went to new york with my boyfriend. it’s still one of the best trips we’ve ever taken :) i also finally learned to ski in park city. we moved back to colorado that june.
1 year ago, i knew my time in colorado was probably wrapping up. i was skiing every day, 10k+ steps every day, and i was in the best shape of my entire life. i felt strong. i felt capable. i felt beautiful on the mountain.
hmm. maybe that’s the key. channel that energy. i’m mentally skiing most of the time anyways🫣
but i also need to be blunt about what i want. i feel badly that i have been spoiled to dry heat & a lack of insects. i genuinely did not see a single bug for two years straight. (i’m born & raised here, literally why am i so damp all of the time?)
i want my man. that’s a constant.
the next thing that popped up in my head was being happy - which begs the question, am i happy?
2024 really sucked, so for the time being, not really. i’m not happy with our current…situation (will not elaborate all you need to know is it’s not relationship problems) but i have faith we will get out of it. i just feel so anxious all the time.
i’m happy in my relationship - sometimes he drives me up a wall, but don’t they do that? i’m sure i drive him up a wall too occasionally. i do worry that we don’t align with each other all the time, but i think there is a yin & yang dynamic between us. i feel so complete with him around.
i remember when we didn’t live together, and i’d work all week looking forward to friday night because i knew i could stay over. i am grateful every night is one of those nights now.
i remember being long distance with him (never again), and again, just relishing in that feeling of having him there. because of those, i feel grateful for the little things. i recognize there was a time where past me would have been upset if she knew i didn’t love him completely, all the time.
i need to feel like i’m back in my body. i need to feel like i’m me again. but idk how to because idrk the girl in the mirror anymore. who the hell is this new me?
if u read this thanks teehee i’m just brainstorming my own emotions. kinda been spiraling as life is throwing us curveballs left & right. it has been constant since the end of april.
love u if u read this far <3
