#smshellhole

[angria]

Got up the nerve to ask mother if she threw out my hellhole yearbooks. I had told her to get rid of them years ago, but unsure if she actually did. She thinks she kept them, but hid them somewhere so I wouldn't see them.

If she does find them, then I think I will bring them back to the city and go through them with T. Because those yearbooks would be flashback central. Even still, I have been scouring the internet, trying to find digital copies of them. Nothing.

I'm going to talk to T about my idea. Just so desperate to find names and photos to continue searching....I know it's not healthy, but I can't stop obsessing. The constant rumination that distracts me from anything else I'm doing.

[angria]

See T? Just making a journal about her and hellhole, while drinking and crying and blasting trigger music.

Yet it’s still not enough to numb out.

To disappear.

(Quote by Andrea Gibson)

[angria]

I’ve listened to it a million times, but Numb still hits the same as when I heard it for the first time all those years ago while in hellhole.

Art student, bullied, self harm, abusive and neglectful mother, absent father. Lost, ignored, abandoned, rejected, gone.

I remember when I had T listen to it and watch the video. He was silent for so long.

[angria]

A invited me to her friend’s birthday party tonight, which I would be excited about, but having trouble compartmentalizing everything, particularly her. It’s like the cage I normally keep shut and locked is broken, flooding everything. Not to the point of drowning, but I can’t focus because I’m scurrying around, trying to lock her up again.

I can only check in with T briefly because of the party and his schedule. Not what I needed today…

[angria]

I rediscovered one of my pastel drawings and it's really hitting me after the past couple weeks. TW: suicidality, bullying

One of my fantasies while at hellhole was going to the roof and jumping off the school building. I investigated one day only to find the roof door locked.

In the drawing, faceless her is on the roof's ledge. The barrage of names and abuse pushing her over. Pleading with God to come and save her. "Ask and receive," right? She asked. Over and over and over. Please come. Please stop them. Please save me.

But He never did. And they never stopped. The blackness swallowing her whole.

Disgusting/Worthless/Waste/Liar/Bitch/Intolerable/Trash/Nothing

[angria]

All the state's news stations have big bold letters announcing the report.

Anddd spiraling. Was trying not to puke the entire way home. Ready to rip off my skin. Need out of my body. Out of my fucked up head that's spinning with visuals. Blasting music to drown out everything.

Thank fuck I see T today.

[angria]

What I knew got lost in the shuffle And I can't go digging in yesterday's rubble So I'm left with a taste in my mouth That I hate but I can't seem to scrape it out So when I say that I pray it'll go away I'm reminded of this thing that you left in me

Resolution | Linkin Park