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I love this rainy night.

There are puddles on the rooftops and I can hear the drops through closed windows. It hardly feels like Christmas Eve, but I’m far from disappointed.

Tomorrow I’ll be driving to Massachusetts, probably feeling sick and singing as loud as I can to scare away my dread. My facebook friends helped me piece-meal a spotify playlist together for my drive down, which I’m excited to try out I asked Ben to add to it, and he had already made an entire list himself. That floored me. Thoughtfulness is such a treasure.

Sean was sick tonight and I got someone to cover his shift so he could rest. He was grateful. I brought him to the store after so he could stock up on some groceries for Christmas day when everything would be closed. It’s a shame I won’t be spending it with him, I really wanted to. He really wanted me to as well. I feel so awful leaving this place behind for anything, much less the lucid nightmare I left for it. But, as my brother Jacob told me in the conversation that ultimately convinced me to go back there after all, “Christmas is the time of year that everyone grits their teeth and sucks it up to go visit their crazy family they can’t stand, and they drink so they can handle it and then they go home. And to be blunt, I deal with mom’s shit 365 days a year, I feel like you could probably do it for 24 hours because it’s Christmas.”

Weeks ago, my mother yelled at me over the phone. “How do you think your father and I feel when people ask us ‘oh, Crystal’s in a relationship? Have you met him?’ What are we supposed to say to that??”

I said, “Well when are you going to meet him? Do you want to meet him?”

“Don’t even talk to me about that right now. This isn’t about him, this is about you being selfish.”

The conversation ended with me telling her I didn’t think I’d be coming home for Christmas. Given, this was something I had been mulling over for awhile...whether or not to go back. Her wild disrespect sealed the deal, especially when she replied, “Good, we don’t want you to,” and hung up on me.

After my conversation with my brother, I texted her and told her I’d be at the extended family’s Christmas Eve party, after which I’d spend the night at James and Thea’s house and come to their house for Christmas morning and leave the same day, since I work on Saturday. My mother’s response? “This makes us very happy!” followed by christmas themed emojis. It was unsettling alongside her last novel-lengthed text that ended with “It seems funny that everybody is upset with you right now but somehow none of it is your fault. You really need to look in the mirror and pray that God would show you how what you’re doing is affecting your family and your friends. You are not the victim.”

The words were like acid. All the pain and rejection I was feeling, coupled with an inflicted guilt for feeling them because i was “not the victim”. How dare I feel bad? Though I knew it was obvious to myself and anyone who read through the texts she sent me that her accusations were unfounded and not fair, these words made me feel as though I had no right to feel anything at all. Clearly, my decision to make Sean my first boyfriend was upsetting them to degrees I can’t understand. I can’t imagine why or how. It seems that nothing I do all the way up here [geographically] should have any tangible effect on their lives. I don’t mean to hurt them, but I can’t be leashed and yelled at by them anymore.

Sean and I got back to his place and I helped him bring his groceries upstairs. Many moments had felt natural for a kiss, but he is afraid to get me sick. When he had first gotten into my car, I told him he probably had food poisoning and it was fine, and even yelled “JUST DO IT” into his face but he laughed and said “NO,” grabbing me for a hug instead. When we parked at the store, he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. We both smiled and I threw my head back yelling “UGHHHH I WANNA KISS YOUR STUPID FACE” as I rolled out the driver’s side and slammed the door on his laughter.

When we got back, I checked my phone for texts from my roommate, who I was hoping to hang out with before she went to bed. She’s opening tomorrow. “Do you wanna hang out for a bit?” he asked me. “I mean...yeah.” I said, with no real suggestion or explanation for hesitating. We sat down and I laid my head on his shoulder, until we started dozing off and fell back. As soon as I closed my eyes, I felt memories washing over me like a low tide. I was back at Kathy’s kitchen table, checking facebook chat to see if he was online. Telling him about the duck eggs someone gave me for no reason. Laughing about lizard puns and talking about how nice it is to grow things and be outside. Playing the co-op mode in Portal 2 after work a half hour apart and laughing about everything. All those days I felt like this could all come to a screeching halt and join the museum of disaster my heart has compiled...when he told me he liked me and I told him I didn’t know what to do and we just sat there together while his ice cream melted. Coming over after work and making frozen chicken tenders and fries to watch cartoons with on the couch, or coming over after work to choose records to borrow and not leaving until 1am...all those nights I had to make a half hour drive at the brink of exhaustion because I couldn’t leave him behind, so afraid this could never work and those days were all I’d have.

But now I had this, one arm under him and one tucked around, loosely holding hands and breathing slow. His breath so sweet and quiet, his hands so soft running his thumb along mine. I started tearing up, and felt silly, but didn’t stop myself from experiencing the fullness of my gratitude and peace in that moment. Enough water welled up to trickle a tear across the bridge of my nose that I had to wipe away. I let go of his hand and pushed up against my eyes with my wrist. “Is your nose running?” he asked, half awake.

“Nah, my eyes.” “Are you crying?” “A little.”

“Like on purpose? Or like how tears just happen when you squint or yawn or get tired and don’t close them?”

I laughed at the idea of crying on purpose. “I’m just really grateful. I have a lot of feelings.” I held his hand again and felt it slowly tighten as he took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I love you, Crystal.”

“I love you too”

#personal #smushy stuff #i am happy

I'm looking back on pics and videos and I remember when I first met nikkisshadetree and I swear it was like meeting a celebrity. Lol. I lost a friend around the same time but it was ok cause I gained one

#smushy stuff #lol #don't mind me #im pms-ing so my ass is all emotional #plus I keep think about how I haven't updated most of my fanfics in years #and how Nikki said shed hold it against me the next time I ask for an update

Really. Even if everyone gets up and leaves you, I will always be there with you. Nothing will move me because out of all the millions of people on the planet, I would choose you in a heartbeat.

#love #random texts #smushy stuff #gabiapril #romance