i don't know if I'm being hormonal, or if i'm currently over-emotional because I don't think Gilmore Girls is going to end in the happy Luke and Lorelei get married and get April on the weekends and Rory comes home for Friday Night Dinner with her successful author husband, Jess, or if this is just how i feel and what my life is - but I don't think i'm okay. I don't think I'm feeling the things i should be feeling, mostly because I'm not 100% sure i'm even really feeling anything. I'm so tired; I'm tired of waking up everyday, 2 hours before my shift starts, showering, eating something, getting the bus at 21 minutes past the hour to get to work 15 minutes early; I'm tired of getting to work and trying so hard to help customers that don't even appreciate hat I'm doing; I'm tired of spending hours and hours and hours doing the same things over and over, I tidy and someone messes it up, I pair up 10 totes of odd shoes, and a month later theres 2 more; I'm tired of coming home to the same house that i've lived in for almost 20 years, with the same faces that I love but don't always like, and the room that isn't finished, maybe never will be finished and its small, there's all this stuff in it that i don't even need, all these books I'll probably never read, the 5 sets of bedding that I don't need, the throw pillows that i don't understand, the colours that aren't right, the walls that are covered with futile experimentations into trying to be unique or individual, trying to show people that i don't care about that I have a personality that is worth looking for. I don't care about any of it, I'm tired and i want something more, but i look around me, the people I work with, the people i encounter in life, my friends and family, and I don't see anything better. I don't see anyone that really wants to wake up in the morning, i don't really see anyone making a difference, because what difference is there to make? it's all pretty meaningless anyway, isn't it? In 100 years, the chances of anyone remembering that much is slim, in 10,000 it's pretty unlikely that humans will even be around to remember anything, or maybe they would've started again and someone else will be writing this at 3am because they're struggling to find a reason to wake up every day, but even if they are, that doesn't matter because none of it matters. All these things that we give so much meaning to - Possessions, money, social standing, abilities, feelings, friends, all of it is completely pointless and I lie in bed at night wondering why anyone bothers, why does anyone care? then you get the answers that we have to create our own meaning, or find a meaning, but i don't want to. I can't see myself in 50 years, I can't even see myself in 5 months, or 50 days, I can't see my life ahead of me, I can see what's behind me - a society constructed image of someone who didn't reach their potential, but potential for what? What's the purpose in assigning potential to a 7 year old kid, or even a 17 year old kid - and maybe I'm just super negative and maybe I just can't see it because there is an imbalance of the chemicals in my brain or whatever, but i can't imagine doing normal people things, getting a degree, or/and then a career, meeting a guy or a girl, starting a family or helping the community, or not even doing anything other than enjoying life. I can't imagine waking up every day for the rest of my life, and making breakfast and brushing my teeth and going to work, I can't Imagine finding something that i enjoy and i can't imagine a time where i don't feel this suffocating sense of doubt about everything I'm doing or could ever do, or will ever do. I can't fathom a time when I won't question the whole system the world has fallen into, i can't imagine a time where I don't look around with a sneer of disgust and dismay, at the injustice of so many things, and the futility of trying to fix them, because yeah, people shouldn't being dying unnecessarily or be raped or beaten or discriminated against, that's obvious, but i can't really get past the feeling that none of it really matters. Nothing really matters and I'm finding that really hard to see past.
