#so fucking codependent

[iluvitwhenweplay-1950]

If they leave you for setting ordinary boundaries, maybe they were never meant to be there in the first place.

[iluvitwhenweplay-1950]

I can't even be myself around this person anymore. They hardly know me. They pretend to know me. Maybe they knew who I was before. But they killed that girl.

They say they need someone else now. I'm not enough. I don't know what to say to that. I can't magically make their dreams come true. I can't throw away who I am as a person for them. I already have once.

Now I'm like Tori Spring. I'd rather be alone. I don't need them. Actually I do. And moving away is going to hurt. But it's for the best.

They can find someone else. And I'll find someone else.

[iluvitwhenweplay-1950]

Even girls can break your heart

[iluvitwhenweplay-1950]

My best friend whom that guy called his therapist, may have been the best thing that happened to me. I love her so much. But again the problem is with me. I'm finally talking openly with her which is great. But I can't admit some stuff. Like the codependency issues

Also now that guy is sharing with her too, which is perfectly fine. I mean, yes I linked my self worth to him needing me. But I told myself that I wasn't going to be sad anymore.

Lot of studying to do. Gonna properly start tomorrow for real.

Lesson learnt : Even if you throw away everything for someone and make them the centre of your universe, they will still find other people to talk with. You will never be enough. So stop trying to judge your self worth against their fucking metric.

But I'm still not at a place where I can talk about my identity crisis with her. I mean , I hint that I'm queer all the fucking time. But I'm not really sure what she thinks.

If you look at it objectively, the guy's problems and mine are synonymous.

[iluvitwhenweplay-1950]

Does your brain ever lose it completely? You think the world is ending and you send someone a dozen messages at 3 am in the morning checking in on them because you feel incredibly guilty of being asleep when they called and you're so fucking worried about them. And then five hours later they reply that they're fine and you wonder how your brain twisted everything to make it seem like nothing else matters.

Forgot to post the study update yesterday because as mentioned above I fell asleep at 8, woke up at 11, tossed and turned, had an anxiety inducing dream and then finally decided screw it, and told my mother I'm waking up at 3. Anyways I have study holidays for the next three days, because guess what class 12 Boards from Friday. And the realisation still hasn't kicked in.

And to top it all off, there's the worry still in the back of your mind about that person. The only part of Forever Winter I didn't technically relate to was the calling up at 3 am to check on him. I did that today. So guess what forever winter was written for me. And every one else obviously. Gonna study now

[iluvitwhenweplay-1950]

Okay so far, I've been productive for two hours. Got some stuff done. But then I saw a missed call from him half an hour ago. So I texted. Online but didn't read. Then I called and cut it. Pretty obvious that he called someone else when I didn't pick up. Probably my best friend. And that sucks, cuz I'm afraid to talk to her now.

Anyways gonna start getting ready for school. Will post an entire study update before going to bed.

[iluvitwhenweplay-1950]

So this toxic and abusive friend I had walked out, said he needed space for a couple months and I needed a break. As if he were doing me a favor. And I respect everything he's saying. But there's no one for me to talk to irl.

All my friends are his friends too.

He calls my best friend his therapist.

How tf can I talk to any of these people? Any ideas anyone?