#absolute babble

[altermun]

The only reason I know it’s not Monday is my boyfriend isn’t here.

>.O

It absolutely feels like a Monday. I have a quizxam (because I don’t know if he’s calling it a damn quiz or an exam) in stats this morning, and I have no idea what - OH right, I have a take-home exam due for the other class by Saturday night.

I also have my three-different-schools-of-thought-on-psychopathic-personality paper due on the 27th (Either I’ll surprise myself and make this deadline like a BAMF, or I’m gonna need until like the 10th to get it done). I have to have my “Humanizing Batterers” poster in my hands to take with me on the 29th. My four-different-papers-in-one paper is due on the 30th, when I will be in Pittsburgh. Also on the 30th I have an exam for the same class as the four-papers-in-one paper. On the 31st I give my poster spiel to people as they walk by and hope I catch peoples’ attention with it. On the 3rd (which is the Monday I get back from Pittsburgh) I have a paper due about my experience doing community outreach (which I may or may not have actually done... -cough-). I’m not sure how long that’s supposed to be, but I imagine this professor will at least be okay with me turning it in a bit late. On the 3rd I’m pretty sure I also have an exam in my psychopathology class... and aaaaaaaallllll of that is supposed to happen in the next 11 days. Including writing two papers and designing a poster (which I’m sure will be overnight-mailed again)...

><

This means I might have to miss my (presumably) future little sister’s science olympiad this weekend. OR I take my computer, lug it along, and do what work I can. Or I just take ONE day to be human and forget about the work. I love her and I love that she’s into the STEM fields as well as art and music. Like, she could EASILY be my biological little sister.

Which reminds me. The boyfriend and I actually had the talk about name-changing last weekend. It came up when I talked about telling my dad that he had to stay alive long enough for me to make stupid jokes about people not being able to tell the two of us apart because we’d both be doctors in very similar fields (but with different credentials). My boyfriend said, “You might be a different doctor by then,” just sort of in passing. I said, “What if I wanna keep my last name?” And he just looked at me. I snorted because I couldn’t keep the “innocent, wide-eyed, blinking” look going for that long, and admitted that I had always planned to change my last name. Because while I’m all for keeping the family name going, there are SOME old fashioned traditions I don’t mind so much. He made a comment about hyphenating, and then we tried it and it was just... like... no. I never wanted to do that anyway. I’d be happy to be one of their family, and mine will happily take him in. And they’ll love his little sister.

The one thing I’m REALLY happy about is that neither set of parents is pushing for grandchildren, or poking us, like “when’re you getting engaged? When are you getting married? Huh? Huh?” I finally had one friend straight up ask me “So when are you gonna marry this guy? He’s perfect for you!” and I did not know what to do. I just said we were taking things slowly - and we are. He KNOWS I don’t need a wedding to plan on top of everything else. ***Skip if avoiding marriage/wedding babble*** Besides - his parents AND mind would want some sort of huge ceremony AND celebration. But luckily they don’t get to make that decision unless they’re paying for everything, and neither family has the capacity for that. The actual marriage ceremony might be very small, once we get to figuring that out. We agree, at least, that there should be an awesome reception, but... I dunno. Neither of us want the big ceremonial thing. I’d be so, so happy to have family, bridesmaids/groomsmen, and like five friends from each side somewhere pretty. The reception would be the celebration and the fun part anyway, and more people could actually enjoy that, us included. We have not had the bachelor/bachelorette party discussion(s) yet. I’m indifferent. Lol.

SO SORRY ABOUT THE BABBLE. 

Kind of.

I dunno. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. ALSO, he cleaned like the entire apartment last weekend. Okay it was just the living room, but the amount of cleaning he did in a couple hours would’ve taken me three days. And he did it of his own accord, out of the blue, and even had a talk with me about how he’s happy to be able to help me, and how cleaning this place makes it feel more like home to him - which is the actual next step. Once things calm down at his job (lots of changes taking place), and he’s ready, we’re moving him in here for real. But the fact that he feels at home here means everything to me. 

Ugh. I have to get ready to go, like, 12 minutes ago - 13 - and I do not want. Yeeeeey stats quizxam...

[altermun]

Monday Munday babble

This is more just... thinking aloud. Kind of.

Okay, so I sorta broke down at my boyfriend a little on Saturday because I’ve been struggling a lot with feeling “human.” As in, I don’t. I finally talked to him about having zero libido and only being able to guess that it was coming from stress and depression.

I spent all of Friday chasing down the medications that are basically keeping me alive (Humira and methotrexate injections - because Mesalamine, no matter where I put it, apparently only does so much, even at high doses). I’m glad I connected with someone intelligent at my specialty-care pharmacy who was willing to call my doctor’s office to speak to the office assistant (who was trying to handle authorizing these meds (the methotrexate shouldn’t need an authorization, which is what confused me (and the pharmacy assistant), but my doctor wanted to try raising the Humira to every week instead of every other week, which does require an authorization).

Long, incredibly bitchy story short, the pharmacy assistant ended up calling me, laughing (once he verified that it was actually me), and told me how he had ended up trying to explain pharmacy law to this woman, and that they had gone around and around and around because she could not wrap her head around the idea that pharmacies dispense medication, but there has to be a prescription, and THESE medications needed to go through insurance - who did not dispense these medications.

TL;DR - this mush-for-brains is the reason I have now missed three shots of methotrexate, and almost missed one of the Humira (due to take this one Wednesday, provided it arrives by then ), and now we have to file an appeal because the insurance rejected the request for authorizing every-week Humira dosing. “We” meaning I, really, because I’ll be damned if I let her handle it. I’m going to make sure my doctor is fully aware of what’s been going on in his office. He needs a new person with a brain.

SO that’s what’s been stressing me out, and making me feel like shit recently... On top of being in Michigan, where fast, huge weather changes are a thing, and I’m a human barometer... it sucks.

But yeah. As far as having no libido and having a bit of an aversion to sex, I think on some level I feel like my boyfriend shouldn’t want me. Like, there’s no possible way he still loves me and finds me attractive when I bleed from the wrong place, am in constant pain, chase (prescription) drugs like my life depends on it (ha, I joke because it does). So I do things that lead to self-verification of my extant beliefs...

Going into psychologist mode - ready? Nope.

So, I have been doing a piss-poor job with self-care. Like, my apartment is a mess, I go days without showering, I hardly eat, I’m isolating... all I do for self-care is music, and I put eye makeup on when I have school or something. I gained like 10 pounds from the trial my psychiatrist insisted on of Abilify - in under a month, no less - and I’m having a hell of a time shedding it, though the bloating seems to have gone away, the pounds don’t seem to have done so, which is triggering my history with anorexia.

SO. By not taking care of myself, I justify thinking my boyfriend shouldn’t find me sexy, because I actually AM gross (re: not showering, weighing more than I want to), and he hasn’t moved in with me because I’m a slob and I’m gross, and why would he want to do that in this situation? So if this is the situation I may as well be a slob and be gross and not take care of myself because he must not want someone who doesn’t take care of herself... see how I’m cycling?

And with the sex... I don’t find myself attractive right now, so I find it really hard to believe that anyone else would. So it feels forced/fake, and I’m not interested in fake (which it isn’t, really). But with that, I’m sorta creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of not wanting sex because I don’t think he should want to have sex with me, and finding myself icky, and thinking (based on the, er, difficulty he had last time we tried) that he doesn’t really want me... which is why it feels forced to me, and makes me uninterested.

That’s one theory, anyway. I think I’m doing this to myself. So what’s the next step? How do I fix this? I’m not sure. Logic says I start with self-care and self-love... and maybe I let him seduce me even if I think I’m disgusting. Maybe I do things in self-care-land to help myself feel less disgusting. Like starting up yoga-ing again.

And maybe picking up some gentle, slower piano pieces to learn in addition to the furious Rachmaninov and unrelenting Tempest I picked. But THAT is another post. It’s almost 6:40 and class starts slightly after 8:30. 

Happy Monday. <3

[altermun]

Tuesday blahs - absolute babble. Do not read unless you’re REALLY bored and desperate.

Running is a moment of escape, but I run the same path(s) all the time. Even running outside, I'm on a treadmill. I’m running in circles, even in my own head.

I see the patterns I’m repeating. Resisting assignments from school that I don’t agree with, procrastinating a self-assigned... thing with an important deadline because I’m scared, and a perfectionist, and reprimanding myself for not doing it yet, all the while feeling incapable of doing it in the first place...

I have a poster to create. And have printed, and in my hands BY 3/9 at the very latest. I’ve written the paper that this is based on. I have my sources. I have everything done in the background. I’m afraid to present, because this is the beginning of my professional career - really. I’m pretty sure I’m the only first year doc student who was accepted to present at TWO conferences.

The first one is less of a big deal, so I’m planning to use it as practice. Kind of. BUT I HAVE TO HAVE MY FUCKING POSTER DONE IN ORDER TO SHOW UP AND ACTUALLY PRESENT IT. ><

All night my kitten and her mother were running around, climbing the box spring resting against the wall no matter how I shook it (I didn’t have the spray bottle), climbing onto my nightstand - eventually I saw Addie go to climb onto the nightstand and tried to knock her away, but she tried to cling to the thing and knocked over a mostly-empty can of drink I had sitting there.

... -sigh-

My mini-manuscript notebook that had been knocked to the floor before took the brunt of the liquid damage... luckily I had only written a couple little melodies in the thing. It still somehow made me sad.

Like trying to come to terms with being a psychologist first and a musician second. Or third. Because I’m also mother to three cats. And sometimes I worry that none of them are happy, that I’m just a shitty mom, period.

I live in a world I don’t want to force a child into. I’m terrified that my child would struggle with chronic pain, or inherit my crohn’s, or depression, or whatever the hell is wrong with me. Or what if I’d just be a bad mother? I don’t even know if I could have kids. So I’m back to this. Feeling the kittens move in Siren’s belly may have been the closest I’ll ever come to feeling that (as bizarre as it was, and as much as it creeps me out a little to think of that happening inside me, and all the things that could happen during pregnancy)... Not that I’m baby-crazy, but I’d like to have a child eventually. I also want to talk to my boyfriend about the what-ifs, y’know? What if one of us is sterile? Could he handle adoption?

I could love an adopted baby as my own. I know I could - when I was working at my last job, where I became part of people’s families for 4-6 months, I loved those children. I still think about some of them. A lot of them left marks on my heart. A lot of them changed my mind about wanting children. But if I can’t physically have one... well, maybe that’s a conversation to have if it’s necessary.

Everyone around me seems like they’re either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I’ve watched friends’ progress - everyone seems so happy when it happens. No one gets scared - cautiously optimistic is the worst I’ve seen.

I mean I have three rules - Must have started my career (i.e. getting paid as psychotherapist/psychologist), must be married, must be planning for said child(ren). One of them is about to get off the ground, but my guy and I are taking our time with the marriage thing.

Besides, you have to have sex to get pregnant. I have no libido. Occasionally my subconscious does and things happen in my dreams, but yeah. I’m not sure I identify as simply heterosexual in my attractionality style anymore.

Of course, it could be a side effect of chronic pain, or depression... how do you tell? I get intellectual crushes on people of all genders with no sexual attraction. I don’t have a “type.” I hardly ever feel like doing anything sexual. Like I know this is a bit TMI, but sex has never been the focus of my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’ve always been grateful. I thought it had to do with the problems I’ve had throughout life with sex and sexuality and others, but I don’t feel traumatized. I just... have no interest in sex. I enjoy it with the boyfriend when he catches me at the right time, but I’m almost afraid to cuddle sometimes because what if it leads to something and I’m not in the mood? Was I leading him on? Why can’t I just be a normal person with a normal sex drive? I don’t even want to write, read, or watch about it.

I almost have an actual aversion to sex right now. I wish I could decide why. I have at least... four possible reasons. Five.

Huh. I really, truly need a therapist. I’m gonna play some piano and dedicate the rest of the day to the poster.

[altermun]

Monday blues

Definitely singin’ the Monday blues today. Weekend was far too short. I was productive... sort of. I’ve decided I either need glasses, or to have my damn brain scanned - my eyes blur after I look at a screen for too long, or do anything for too long. It’s like they just get tired of seeing. The muscles behind them feel tired, like I overworked them - but I don’t think I am??

I don’t know. If glasses help this, then fine... Or contacts. Those would be GREAT. I’m doing something about it this week. I don’t know what, but yeah. SOMETHING.

Also, side-ramble - my cat Siren is seriously the sweetest thing I’ve ever met. She had a bit of rawr in her when I took her in, but never toward me, only toward Luna, my oldest kitty. Now that Siren had her kittens and has been spayed, she’s calmed down even toward Luna. They have the occasional hiss-fest, but it’s mostly Luna starting it. Or one will walk too close to the other, so the “other” will swing and the walker will hiss, or swing back, but there’s not really any actual fighting. I almost want to put caps on their claws one day and just lock them up in the bathroom or some equally small enclosure, see if I can get them to get it out of their systems. I feel like they wouldn’t do anything, though - they’d just sit in corners quietly growling or hissing with maybe a swipe here and there... All that said, Siren is such a loving girl. You can just tell she’s grateful that we kept one of her kittens, and that this is where the kitten wanted to be. Addie is such a happy kitten she actually acts like a puppy sometimes - comes when you call her, will stand up and ask for food (and wait for it to be put down before she eats), licks my nose when she wakes me up... Siren includes me in her grooming sometimes. She’ll be on my lap cleaning herself and turn her head to lick my arm/hand/whatever. She loves to lean against the piano while I play (even if I’m just clunking through a rough section of Tempest (I really do need to learn the whole thing, not just the Allegro section...)). Addie needs to learn “down” a little better, but I’ll take care of that. Positive reinforcement needs to make a comeback, I think. Luna has relaxed a LOT. She now eats with Addie at the same placemat. Unfortunately, Siren has backed away and doesn’t want to eat with the other two... -Sigh-

But yeah, Monday. Not cats. I don’t want to go to this stupid class... Multicultural class is killing me. It’s not multicultural, it’s polarized to POC VS White, and I hate it. I’m so white I’m, like, translucent, but I AM a minority for other reasons, and I refuse to not acknowledge that. Yes, I technically have White privilege, but I’m a woman. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I was born Jewish. Just because I don’t look sick doesn’t mean I’m not. Just because I don’t look Jewish doesn’t mean I’m not. ARGH. It’s not all about appearance. That’s all this teacher seems to see, and it drives me nuts. The only thing convincing me to go to class today is that we have psychopathology in the afternoon, and I love that class. Even without studying I got a 96% on an exam. I got a 95% on the most recent. Gonna have to do a couple points better on the final exam... for... reasons. >.>

Also writing a paper on Psychopathic Personality from a Neuro/biological, Social Learning, and Evolutionary standpoint. Compare and contrast. I haven’t started it yet, but I’m gonna, soon.

First I have to finish my poster for the Michigan Academy of Science, Arts & Letters conference on 3/10... yeeeeeah I’m cutting it a bit close. But that’s been my schtick. I always cut shit close and make it work anyway. Gods, I hope I can do it again.

It’s 6:25AM... better get rolling. Class starts in 2 hours. ><

[a2kdavis-ss]

NIGHT HERO Here, heroes drop the eye. Stranger, I am Tangled in the seventh, bringing spacemen to. In the star burst and the air strikes, Reversal trades A part of you, and another’s beauty, with you. A stone set hero, sent back in for… I don’t know when, Who, why, or where. © A2Kdavis 2016

slipstream, A2K

[a2kdavis-ss]

GLITTER CANDLES Crickets zap by fast, going where a temple, ruin, or the garden plume will lead us, strung to the lead of the coos of a baby. Cometing only remembers us, as good as the tip of an open glass is sharing the valuable contents. Continents, galaxies, oceans streaming, being as high as the candles with sparkles get, drawing a deeper breath. Together we may zap upward. If you wish. © A2Kdavis 2016

slipstream, A2K

[hana--mi]

Okkkkkk been feeling shite about my creativity for far too long that my confidence has dropped, I feel like I'm shite now but I know I'm ok, I just need to pick up the courage to collaborate with other creative people too yep yep Well I need to calm the fack down and try to relax for tomorrow as it'll be a good day: breakfast at a Wetherspoons with my boyfriend's parents and sister, hang around in the city, Waffle House meal then off to hang at his with snacks and movies and whatnot for Valentines coz yahhhhhhh