seeing as how dean is very self-aware, when do u think he reckoned with the fact that loving cas does very much go against his morals and yet decided he doesn’t care and wanted to be selfish and love him anyway? or do you think this is something he would still struggle with even tho obvi he forgives cas for everything.
like maybe dean every so often just wakes up in a cold sweat thinking about what the angels did to his family and then remembers there is an angel in his family, in his bed, and it’s his husband….i think it would be fun an crunchy.
I think he's always been aware of it in the periphery of his brain, but it's precisely Cas's power and status that Cas uses to make a difference, and he's simply too attracted to that. Weirdly, Cas makes him feel way too safe. So he never sees a monster when he looks at Cas. But he Knows. (And I do think there's an aspect of this where he judges himself as equally morally compromised by his hell torture and some "failures" in hunting etc.)
In s4, Cas is possessing Jimmy. And Dean knows this. He's still powerless to actually do anything about it, especially with Alastair and the rest of the angels running around, and Sam's addiction and his own hell trauma etc. But he's aware of it, and he doesn't like it. But this is also the first time he encounters someone with both power and doubt. Someone willing to reflect and challenge the hierarchy. And he's in awe. It's too much of a relief and too desperately needed as a solution to the apocalypse.
In s5, Jimmy isn't inside the vessel anymore. This is a new body. And I think this means Dean actually allows himself to be attracted to Cas now. He's physically attracted and emotionally falling in love. By the end of s5, he's deep in it, and he wants so badly for Cas to stay with him. (Beginning of many such yearnings).
In s6, he's hardly had the time to process that he does love Cas. And he's already forced to reckon with the fact that Cas is very much an angel. Godstiel arc was sexy to ME, but Dean and Cas both knew that it was a sign of Cas's breakdown. He does reckon with it. And he tries to kill Cas! For once. Despite making all the excuses he can, despite loving him and understanding him and being so desperate for Cas to listen to reason, he knows that it's upto Cas's real (human) family to stop him and clean up his messes. In s6, Cas has learnt to be more fair than ever (rescuing Sam on principle), and he's also spiraling into being more angelic than ever (bow down to me bitches arc lol).
Throughout s7, he's having the first widower arc. But he's also reeling from the sheer betrayal of Cas's actions. He's sooo aware of how his angelic background is fucking up Cas and how he's responsible for turning more angelic than is morally okay. He forgives Cas. Cas also learns to take accountability here. They both grow and learn. They both deal with his angelic status. (And Dean's hunter status as well, with the Campbells and organized monster crime and Crowley deals etc etc.)
I think after s7 at the most, he has resolved it internally. Technically, Cas should have had more growth in his own arcs as well, but whatever lol. He knows he's doing something vaguely shady by defending Cas, but he also knows what losing Cas is like. And he's completely in love with him by now anyways. He never wants to be without Cas. So he does decide to be selfish in this one thing. He enjoys Cas's power and strength. It makes him flustered when Cas uses it to do some chivalrous stuff to him. He prefers Cas to have those powers when he's facing his own enemies. Etc.
But I do think some things probably trigger both of them into this awareness. Claire, for example. Lily Sunder. Mary's death. Jack. Trigger points uk.
In a world with better writing for Cas, maybe we would have a different kind of exploration of Cas and his relationship to his own angelic status. But in the world we have now, Cas only gets more and more angelic post-s7. He often backslides into buying in to the angelic propaganda shit. And each instance of that has the potential to be a fault line in their relationship, imo. Dean will usually always forgive Cas. But is that actually good? It certainly does not mean it does not haunt him. And I'm sure it haunts Cas too, regardless of his level of willingness in dealing with it.
