#sober corner

[pernatius]

Sober Corner

My oxygen is fading. My hope is depleting. My home is becoming smaller the farther I drift. I reach out towards the stars above. I have struggled. I have tried paddling forward, but it proves worthless. As my strength isn’t strong enough to overpower the pull. But at least my memories can play back to me. My mind uses it as a way to coax with my coming death. I remember playing tag when I was young, it was my favorite game. Oh, high school too. Man, I hated it. Too many sleepless nights studying. Ha, yeah those were the days. Why did I have to go on this mission? Why did I thought I’d be some sort of hero? Why did I think I’d redeem myself? I guess I thought being famous, one of the first people to lay foot on Mars, would somehow fix the pain I caused for others. But, as always, I have messed up. This time I can’t get out. It was my fault for believing I was superman. Who thought I was fast enough to fix the engine while an asteroid was speeding towards me. I’m too cocky. I’m too arrogant. I haven’t changed. I haven’t grown up at all.The crew probably are on Mars by now, basking in their glory, while I suffer through this slow death.

I can see a red light blinking in my peripherals. I have minutes until my existence ends. Until I leave without making things right. I’ll never get to say my goodbyes. Oh god, now the water works are coming. The tears flow down my cheeks.

During my last year of high school, I dated someone. She wasn’t the type who everyone wanted to date, yet it’s not like no one did. When I knew her hair was always in a bun. Her clothes were always baggy. Not the skinniest build, yet not overweight either. Fairly average. Though, she’s very smart. One of the smartest in class. Someone who I could compete with. I suppose I just saw her as a rival rather than a lover. Maybe that’s why I cheated on her. I just didn’t feel satisfied. It still doesn’t excuse the pain I caused her. I deserved her ignoring and her brothers pummeling me to the ground the day she found out. But most of all, I deserved the disappointed expression on her face right after she slapped me. College, that’s another story. I cheated, no surprise there, on my final because I didn’t get the chance to study. No, I just was too tired after wanting to win a game tournament. I forgot the title of the game, but I lost in the semifinals anyways. That’s two thousand dollars and a week’s worth of sleep lost. I was kicked out of the college when my professor saw me using my phone. Well, she found out I plagiarized as well during my meeting with the dean. So that’s another reason why I deserved to get that permanent disgrace upon my name. God, I’m such a failure it was basically a free ride. When my parents found out they were really pissed. “You’re such a smart kid,” they said, “Yet you never think ahead.” And at that they slammed the door and kicked me out. I worked at a local fast food joint after and was soon annoyed with customers and a shitty manager. I quit after a couple of weeks. Man, I became desperate for money. So I asked my younger brother who willingly gave me part of his paychecks. That kid was so naive. I took advantage of him and when he found out I was taking more than half he shut me out too. I haven’t seen that guy in months. I haven’t even seen my parents in half a year.

So how did I get here? How did a deadbeat like myself end up in space? I was desperate more than I was before. I was going to become evicted in days. I was crying on my disheveled floor, hoping for another stroke of luck to get me out of this situation. I was tempted to end it all right there. I got a knife from the kitchen and aimed it towards my chest. Before I was able to puncture my skin, as I quietly sobbed, a knock on the door disrupted my mood. I then dragged my feet towards my door and opened it. Where I grabbed the envelopes, shifting and groaning with each one I skimmed through. Just overdue payments until my eyes widened and I saw an ad to become a space explorer. Without thinking, I rushed down the stairs towards the address because when I saw the amount of zeros I didn’t think otherwise. It was when I completed their tests and signed the papers my journey towards death began. I was a fool to think I would ever accomplish anything. If only I can burn my high school diploma and tell my past self to just end it way before I fucked up my whole life.

I was so caught up in the dream. I’m never in reality. They warned me of the what ifs. My monitor warned me of the incoming asteroid. But all I did was stare into it, freezing up, while my crew did nothing. They hated me as much as everyone else in my life. Rightfully so, as I would say rude things. I even annoyingly flirted with one of my fellow crew members. I even, stupidly, ate half of our food supplies. Hell, it was my fault I needed to fix the engine. I was the one that crashed us into an asteroid. Thus, destroying the engine. I wanted to prove I was someone. But all it lead to is my loneliness. I am going to die alone. I will always be a nobody. So I’m sorry I was such a failure. I’m sorry I didn’t realize the pain I caused until now. Or how much of an asshole I am. Thank You for trying to put up with me. Goodbye. End of log entry.

[gaylordxxx]

Sober Corner

No matter how long I sleep or how many times I change my routine I am still left yawning the next day. Multiple times in fact: when a teacher is speaking, walking to class, doing work, or just talking to someone. I yawn. I can’t help it. My body is always so tired no matter the amount of work. You see these eye bags? They’re from my alarm interrupting my sleep. I had a dream, a fantastic one, where I was going on a date with some random girl then my alarm erupts with its defining sound. God, I do despise it. Still, no matter how much I want to stay lying down I have to live my life. That’s where you come in. You smiled, for once, when I came sneaking up to scare you. Funny, you usually have a dead demeanor. I guess not taking the bus really starts your day. Or, maybe I’m thinking to into this, were you really having a terrible morning until I came? Alarm not waking you up? Barely had breakfast? Grumpy sister? Did I make you happy? Did I brighten up those clouds over you? I guess this is what happens when you can’t get sleep. Because no matter how many times I try I just start over thinking in the end.

[pernatius]

Sober Corner

I suppose this is what I deserve for the countless bloodshed created by these very hands I use to write with. In my past I was a sicken man who took the disgust I had on humanity on those I selfishly deemed unworthy. The memories start flooding back; this hinders my ability to write because their ear piercing screams have my hand shaking. But I press must on, for the hopes some lucky survivor maybe able to read and learn from my dastardly sins.

I am a man who has stained his name because of the injustice of this impure world. Many years ago, at the start of my blood lust, my wife had gone missing. She was pregnant with our baby girl, so I did what any father and husband would do. I prayed nightly and begged to be part of the local officers’ investigation, but they refused every time. The days went on and the waiting became weary. Sometimes I would forget to sleep or even eat. I must’ve lost ten pounds during the wait until I heard a call from my telephone. My heart sunk hearing the words I so dared to even stress about weeks prior. My wife laid lifeless in the woods a mile from where I stood, dead with our stillborn child wrapped in her arms. The man who had caused me traitorous amount of pain was never caught, injustice prevailing.

I felt weak. I blamed myself for obeying their orders by keeping still. That night I tore apart my rosary and shouted towards the heavens, asking why I had deserved such a tragedy. I felt a warm touch onto my cheek and heard the bells from the church, as if a sign from the almighty. I had made up my mind. From then on I began to reap the impurity of this world and took matters into my own hands. I became the justice of the night, so to speak, while I wandered the streets and did what the police couldn’t. That being ending the lives of the sinful bastards.

My right hook swung and their faces smashed onto the concrete. Their blood pouring out while I stood watching their eyes roll back and their husks becoming lifeless. It was a nightly occurrence. All ending mercilessly. Especially one night when I had seen a young girl sprint away from a man who stood twice her size and had a hoodie that covered his face. She screamed with no one in sight, but I to aid her. I ran and jumped the guy, dragging him into the darkness. His smug face told me his twisted mind and the sinful imagination he had in store for the young girl. So I made sure he got what was coming and thrusted my fist so powerfully he slammed into the bench a few inches away.

I had done countless deeds in which I see now God would look down upon, ending lives of those who should’ve gotten a second chance. As I was not the one who had the power to do become my own sort of God. Though, I was never caught only news of my presence. Fliers to new reports, I was the local hero to most and a vigilante to some. Thankfully, I was the only one.

Those days have passed. Now I sit in this dimly, lit abandoned store where I thrive on the last of humankind's canned goods. It’s been sometime since it all started, the demons from hell who cannibalize. It is all our doings because of the sins of our race, especially the ones I have made throughout my ignorance and anger. They’re creatures unlike us, as they do not show any sympathy. I have seen them grab a hold of a young girl and rip apart her body, as she cried for help for a mother who does not come. They consumed her innards like a pack of hungry animals, only leaving behind her blood. The flies surround the scene while they then roam toward their next victim.

I remember the day they arrived. I was in my home fixing up my truck, which I was not aware of the national broadcast. So when I heard a scream I rushed towards it without thinking and saw a sight so gruesome that I gag just by thinking of it. It is a memory I wish to forget and one I will save your innocence from.

I have only survived based on luck and the giving nature of our Lord. Though, not all things last as my rations are dwindling and the groaning from outside appears to grow louder by the hour. I can hear scratching and banging. The walls that surround me will give out and when they do maybe this punishment will finally be over. And maybe I will get to see my family once more, if God chooses I am worthy. Before I eventually do, I will pray for his forgiveness. Unless I see you, my reader, in the next life goodbye for now.

[pernatius]

Sober Corner

Why? Why did you leave me? Why did you have to leave me in tears? I didn’t get to say goodbye. All I have left are the memories. All I have left is the guilt. The guilt not telling you how much you meant to me. Now you’re six feet beneath my feet, as I cry on top of your grave. As I grip the bouquet of flowers, lilies to be exact. As the tears splatter on to your picture. On this windy day where there is no one around besides me. While the clouds over head begin to cover the sky. It’s been a month since your death. It’s been an hour since I stepped foot on your grave. I keep reading your name over and over, hoping this is a dream. Hoping you’ll somehow be in my arms, as if this is a cruel joke. But no matter how many times I read it I know that won’t happen. As I could remember that day. You smiling at me, as I tearfully grip your hand. Then within seconds your heart rate stops. I can still remember the horrific sounds of the machine and the nurses rushing in, doing whatever they could while they push me off to the side. I screamed, asking for your return. Nothing. No sign. My last image of you that’s burned into my mind is you smiling with your eyes closed, facing the ceiling. You left this world, leaving me alone. It still hurts. Seeing our friends’ funerals and now my lover’s grave. As my fingers tighten around the ring you gave me decades ago at least I can remember. I can remember the moments you were here. You throwing a smoothie at my face the first time we meet, explaining it was meant for your ex. You got me a bouquet of lilies and treated me for dinner even when I explained you didn’t need to. Slipping in the mud for our first date then hugging me with the dirt still on you because I was laughing at how clumsy you were. Our marriage where you wiggled your eyebrows, as you placed the ring on my finger. So childish, but when the time needed you can be serious. Like punching that man for stalking me one rainy night. Knowing the right words to say to comfort me when I can’t do so for myself. You’re always there to make me smile. Rain drips onto my face, as I begin to realize. Maybe it’s about time I do so for you. Even if you can’t hear me. Even if I can’t see you. It’s about time I stop living in the past and focus on the future. Because I would like to think telling you my goodbye will make you smile once more. So until we meet again goodbye for now, my love.

[pernatius]

Sober Corner

That night we watched the short film I made. You laughed and teased me at some parts. Not that you hated it, but because I made this. I made a romance film. I made it out of my own experiences. And, of course, you saw right through and knew which ones they were. I don't grieve or cringe at your attempts at making me annoyed because those were years ago. I got over them. Besides, I have a new interest.

It was late. No cars. A hint of wind. And the only sound was your whistling. Our feet headed to your apartment. I gulped. My hands covered with sweat, scared of what I was about to do. Somehow I had courage in those few minutes. I called your name. You turned and smiled, the very one I ruined when I told you everything. I told you the feelings I've been feeling.

You looked at me. With a look of seriousness now, seeing if I was lying. Looking into my eyes you told me you didn't feel the same. Only seeing me as a friend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I wanted to cry. I gripped my hands tightly. Knuckles white. My throat tightened. Then I relaxed. You said my name. Said your sorrow.

"It's alright. Your smile is more than enough to make up for it. Don't sweat it." You smiled once more. Happy. Thankful.

We arrived at your doorsteps. You said your goodbye. I took a moment to respond. Still, secretly, hurt. Eyes began to water once more. My mouth gripped shut. I shook from all the pain.

"See you tomorrow," I said. Then I turned and headed home.

[pernatius]

Sober Corner

I use to love this holiday. The holiday of dressing up as someone else. The holiday where I would get free candy. So much candy I dragged my bag. My parents would chuckle, as I refused for their help. I wanted to show off my strength that magically came from my costume. Then would fall asleep from all the candy and seasonal movies, went underneath my covers for some. It was so simple back then. I was so happy back then. Now all I do is sleep after hours of homework. Get a laugh from the kids in their costumes. Smirk when they ring the doorbell only to be greeted with a basket of candy held by me. Now when I think about this I get sad. My face contorts. My eyes droop and lips point towards the floor. I just want to hide underneath my covers like my younger self. Time is what scares me. The fact I’m getting too old too fast. My past has become a blur. My future gives me anxiety. Soon I’ll get married and have my own kids. Thus, continuing this cycle. That thought nearly has me breaking every time it comes to mind. The symbolic nature of the crisp leaves and gusting winds represents my death. The death of my childhood. The death of my blissful, ignorant happiness. As I shed a tear onto a decade old witch costume and grip it tightly between my fingers, making numerous folds. All while the winds behind these four walls push away the leaves I so speak of.

[pernatius]

Sober Corner

My eyes droopy. Yawned five times. It’s dark. Nothing, but the light of this laptop. My fingers are drifting across the keyboard. My subconscious is removing itself from my body. I feel nothing. No emotion. Not a smile. Nor a tear. I remember nothing as well. I don’t remember how I got the bruise on my eye and a stinging sensation on my right cheek. Or even the fact that my legs feel numb. But what I do know is this pain makes it easier to drift off. It makes it easier to close my eyes. it makes it easier to forget. I lay, my eyes pleading to shut. A voice in my head tells me otherwise. It tells me not to listen. It tells me to stay awake. But I just couldn’t keep up. My breathing becomes heavy. My arms lay flat across my bed. Then complete darkness. Nothing was seen. Nothing was felt. Nothing was heard. Nothing. 

[gaylordxxx]

Sober Corner

Girls are hot. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.