Soulmates
Soulmates.
Alex never really thought much of the concept growing up. To Alex’s shrewd scientific mind, the idea of a perfect, compatible person for her seemed silly and improbable, especially because even the boys she had a shell of a relationship with barely made her feel anything.
As a teenager and undergrad, the hands of boys that held her own felt uncomfortable and often too clammy. Their hugs felt stifling and constricting, their kisses rough and lackluster, and the sex really it left her feeling inadequate more than anything. Alex grew up thinking she was a freak for not being able to comprehend the giddiness and elation of the other girls around her as they fawned over the “hottest guy”.
So no, Alex didn’t think she was built for relationships or intimacy, so of course the idea of a soulmate seemed frivolous.
In grad school, Alex had resigned herself to solitude that she worked to convince herself she desired. She searched for answers and fulfillment in empty bottles, the heat of sticky bodies and flashing lights that consumed her at clubs, and the purpose and drive her research was meant to provide her with.
None of it really panned out. Things had gotten dark for a flash there and the mere thought of her past, confused, hurting self made her heart ache. Sometimes Alex wishes that she could have gone back and figured out she was a lesbian a long time ago, as though that would have been a blanket solution that silenced all her demons. Alex knows this isn’t true, but at times when her mind goes dark, it’s always been easy for her to rattle her own cage and blame herself for her misgivings.
However, the reality is that she can’t change the past and she knows she wouldn’t if she was every truly given the opportunity for one reason really.
And she woke up in the arms of that reason, her reason , her Maggie, her very heart, that morning. Alex’s body pleasantly ached from their passionate night and Maggie’s hands on her skin felt perfect and soft, yet strong and firm. Maggie’s arms around her, though her hold was tight, did not make her feel stifled or constricted, rather they made her feel loved, safe, and secure. The softest brush of Maggie’s beautiful lips against the back of her neck and against her shoulder made her feel more than the most enthusiastic kisses from men. Alex woke up knowing and comprehending the pure, unadulterated thrill and fulfillment of loving and being loved.
Alex felt that if she were to personally design her ideal partner this woman couldn’t even hold a candle to Maggie, because Maggie was everything Alex wanted... and everything she didn’t know she needed. No, Maggie wasn’t perfect, but she was perfect for her . Her imperfections made her shine all the more beautifully, and Alex’s heart had never felt so full. She never knew she could feel this whole and complete.
Looking back, Alex knows she was a mere husk of herself prior to life with Maggie. Her beautiful fiancée, despite her darkened past, brought with her such an illuminative joy and brightness that had finally given Alex a clear vision of what life could be and should be.
So yes, when Alex was pottering around the kitchen to make some coffee and to grossly doubletoast Maggie’s bagel and she felt Maggie wrap her arms around her and pull her in tightly, when she felt Maggie’s warmth mold against her own, she did believe in soulmates, because she knew she had found hers.
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