Rewrite of/inspired by my older fic, “day’s not over yet”
2,324 words
Summary: “I’m no hero, Smith,” Levi bites back. “A hero would sacrifice the one person they love for the world, but me? I would burn the world down before I had to let you go. Everyone else can go to hell.”
“My love,” Erwin reaches up to cup the curve of his cheek. “You can’t. I’ve made my choice.”
“And you choose the mission.”
“I choose you.”
“Then don’t go,” Levi tries once again. He hates that his voice warbles. He hates that only Erwin can get him like this, crying like a lovesick fool in the wee hours of the night. “Please.”
Or, Levi tries to convince Erwin not to go on the expedition.
Find it on Ao3
A/N: For Sara, @/sarajamss on TikTok! Thank you for all your amazing content, it keeps me alive.
(Title is from the song "All for Love" in the Euphoria soundtrack)
Well, well, guess who isn’t dead! Me! Oh my goodness, I haven't written for AOT in a very long time. Please forgive any inconsistencies/inaccuracies you might spot, I'm in the process of re-watching the whole thing and my memory is blurry! Diving headfirst back into AoT really got me in my head, and I wanted to write something that came purely from my heart. I read one of my old pieces posted here on Tumblr and I knew I could do better. It’s crazy because so much has happened since I wrote for AoT and I feel like I could write about so many things now. I guess graduating, COVID, starting college and family issues kinda wither you down after a while, no? Life hasn’t been the easiest these past few days, but writing (especially for AoT) is when I feel the most like myself.
I just have a lot of feelings for these two and I feel like my writing has come a long way since then. I figured I'd try my hand at writing for them again and see the glaringly obvious differences in my writing from 2018 lol. Oh, and a little fun fact, some of the introspection in this fic was pulled from the book I'm in the process of writing :)
Enjoy! Let me know if there are any tags I missed. <3 - x.s.
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Death, unfortunately, is something Levi is intimately acquainted with. He had grown accustomed to it: the sudden absence of someone’s presence, the grief that trails not too far behind, the suffocating miasma that surrounds him and the natural emotional repression that follows. In his line of work, the death of a comrade happens on a normal weekday for him. The world they live in is a cruel one, yet surprisingly, Levi still finds himself choosing love over anything else.
Hanji always tells him he’s a softie at heart. They grab his arm, shake him a little bit and stare at him with a mischievous glint in their eyes. You’re so full of love, Levi!
At first, he denied it with his whole body. He rejected the notion with such vehemence; why would he have so much love in his heart when all he knows is heartbreak, death and despair? The departure of loved ones has hurt him time and time again, there was no use opening his heart to love if it only meant he would get hurt. For a while, he chose to be numb. He clammed up and pushed people away in an attempt to protect himself. The death of Isabel and Furlan stung like no other wound before; Levi was left with the crushing loneliness that threatened to consume him every single day, and being in a place full of people and still feeling lonely did not aid his situation in the slightest.
To love is to hurt. At the core of it, it is the act of fools. Loving someone and being loved in return — it feels entirely too good. Heaven on earth, as they say. Love — this mysterious force that all those poets spoke of — felt too much like the sun he refused to fly so close to. Had people not learned from the tale of Icarus? he thought to himself.
Naturally, things changed when Erwin managed to weasel his way under his skin and Levi came to accept that both of them were the type to be silent lovers. What they had between them was precious and warm, something to keep in their pockets and return to when they sought comfort. That pesky commander of his found his way into his heart, carving an Erwin-shaped space in his chest that only he could fill, and now? Levi is a changed person. He has been for quite some time.
Over the years, Levi learned that you cannot stop yourself from hurting other people, and you certainly cannot stop others from hurting you. Human beings are made to love. They are made to feel. And because love is such a powerful emotion, of course it will come with its own set of consequences. Loving the wrong people and devoting yourself to others who don’t deserve it is a mistake, but sometimes it’s a mistake you have to make. Love can be your greatest flaw, or your greatest strength.
Levi decides to go with the latter.
Perhaps he chooses it out of spite; loving others in a world where it can be taken away at any moment…wouldn’t it feel amazing to prove everyone wrong? There is courage in the way he chooses love in a life of pain. There is power in the way he gets out of bed every morning despite every muscle in his body screaming at him to rest. There is wisdom, above all, in knowing that it will all be worth it.
Loving Erwin is dangerous. That much is obvious. Levi knows that tomorrow is never guaranteed. He knows that he cannot live his life as if he’s granted the promise of the next day, and it is this exact reason that he finds himself drawn to the warmth that only Erwin can give him. He is acutely aware of just how much he is risking by being involved with Erwin like this, yet he cannot find a single good reason to stop.
Why should he?
It is Erwin that gets him out of bed. It is Erwin that gets his blood pumping. It is Erwin that drives him to be a better, stronger and faster soldier. The same man who is the cause for his very existence, his survival, is the same man who is in charge of leading their world’s only army. The only fighting chance against the Titans. And with that responsibility comes a great risk; it is something bigger than both of them. The truth of the Titans is still a mystery to them, but Levi is willing to walk by his side until everything is uncovered. Still, Erwin carries that responsibility with pride and great strength, but Levi knows he cannot shoulder it alone forever.
Not too long ago, the man lost his arm.
Today, Levi sees him face the consequences.
His day to day life has been affected greatly, the most obvious being his inability to sleep. He tosses and turns at night, haunted by the ghost of his limb and the sudden blinding pain that has him shooting up in bed. It keeps Levi awake, too. Every shift in bed has him twitching awake, ready to try to soothe his pain. The most he can do is rub his back comfortingly as he curls in on himself, kiss his shoulder and press his cheek to Erwin’s chest. It’s difficult for him to sign papers now, which is seventy percent of the job. He fumbles with the buttons on his uniform and takes half an hour to get ready in the morning when it used to take no more than five minutes. He can’t salute properly, which Levi knows is killing him on the inside, and —
Erwin can’t hold him like he used to.
Levi hates that it upsets him more than he’d like to admit. He’s the one that’s still whole — physically, at least. A part of him feels like he’s being selfish to want nothing more than to be wrapped up in both his arms again. Another feels as though it is his godforsaken birthright to be close to Erwin in every way possible, and that simply cannot happen if the man only has one arm.
“Levi,” a voice snaps him out of his thoughts. He blinks in response, his vision adjusting to the flickering candle on Erwin’s desk. Night has fallen and the sky has gone dark, only lighting up where the stars above them dare to burn with an intensity Levi admires. They sit in his room, idly enjoying each other’s company as Erwin hunches over stacks of paper. “Help me with these straps?”
He moves on command. Levi rises from his chair and leaves the teacup behind, cold from neglect. He pads over to where Erwin sits at his desk, head cradled by the palm of his hand. The commander pinches the bridge of his nose and heaves out a sigh, not even flinching when Levi plops down in his lap. It’s a position they take to quite frequently, though very seldom is it sexual. Contact between them is comforting. The warmth of the other person’s body is reassuring. It’s a reminder, something that they’re both grateful for.
Levi wastes no time in straddling him and undoing the straps across his chest. Deft fingers move quickly as they slip the leather off his body. He moves to the buttons of his shirt next in silence and pops them open in order. The further his shirt is opened, the more muscle is revealed. It strains against the flimsy undershirt he always wears. Corded with strength, tense with stress. Erwin’s chest rises and falls with each breath he takes, moving in sync with Levi’s own rhythm. He’s alive. He’s alive. Levi’s fingers start to tremble. They slip. He curses under his breath.
Then there’s a warm hand on his hip. Large. Reassuring.
“Levi?”
The man in question looks up. Gray eyes soften at the sight of Erwin’s worried countenance. There are wrinkles already forming along his forehead, the corners of his eyes and a little bit around his mouth. He frowns too much, Levi thinks idly.
Oh, how he wishes he could make him smile more.
“Levi,” Erwin tries again. “Talk to me.”
“I almost lost you,” he answers without hesitation. “I almost lost you.”
“I’m right here,” he tries, though he knows those words mean very little to someone like Levi. Erwin knows that the man in his lap has stared death in the face and walked away from it unscathed. Nothing he says will make him feel better, and he’s aware. He knows he bears the weight of trauma so heavy, so thick and so suffocating — and yet he leads his squad as though the iron shackles around his ankles do not exist. There is nothing but admiration, respect and love between them, and that is why Levi can never lose this no matter what happens.
“No,” Levi says firmly. His voice is low, authoritative, but every muscle in his body is tense. He aches to scream, to dig his nails into Erwin’s back and keep him close. Keep him safe. Tuck him away where no one in the world can touch them, where they can be together and be happy. It’s the fact that that would never be possible — not in this life — that makes him so unbearably angry.
“I can lose anyone, Erwin, anyone.” Levi begins, “and I’ve lost a lot of people. But I can’t lose you. Please, gods above, I’m begging you not to go on the expedition tomorrow.”
“If I don’t,” Erwin begins to argue — that’s when Levi knows he’s already lost — “then there will be more deaths than there needs to be. You know this.”
“You already have blood on your hands, Erwin, what does it matter?”
“Levi.”
“We need you, Erwin. I need you. And I’ve always put people above my own needs, but fuck if I wanna keep you to myself for just a little longer —“
“Levi.” Erwin stops him short. He knows where this outburst is going to go. “You have never spoken like this before…”
“I’m no hero, Smith,” Levi bites back. “A hero would sacrifice the one person they love for the world, but me? I would burn the world down before I had to let you go. Everyone else can go to hell.”
“My love,” Erwin reaches up to cup the curve of his cheek. “You can’t. I’ve made my choice.”
“And you choose the mission.”
“I choose you.”
“Then don’t go,” Levi tries once again. He hates that his voice warbles. He hates that only Erwin can get him like this, crying like a lovesick fool in the wee hours of the night. “Please.”
Erwin brushes a stray tear away, catching it as it rolls down his cheek. Levi’s lips contort into a pout that is entirely unbecoming of him. Erwin doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t need to. His mind is made up, and he’s going on that expedition. He will ride his troops out tomorrow morning, and the world will watch another talented soldier fall. Erwin knows he won’t last long on the field, not with one arm. Even with Levi there guarding his every move, it won’t be enough. His skills will be needed elsewhere, and Erwin will be damned if the future of younger, brighter minds are compromised because of his lover’s selfishness.
Unfortunately, they live in a world where selfishness is not allowed. It comes with great punishment, a trade off that is only fair: your life for the life of others.
“So that’s how it is, huh?” Levi bites, gripping the fabric of Erwin’s shirt like it’s the last he’ll ever hold him. “I gotta grieve you, too? On top of everything?”
“I’m sorry,” Erwin apologizes sincerely. “You deserve better, Levi. You deserve the whole world.”
“I don’t care. I only want you.”
“I know, Levi,” Erwin smiles sadly.
Levi lets go of his shirt to cradle his face so gently, his hands coming up to caress the surprisingly smooth skin there. Oh, how he loves this man. His love, his savior, his everything. He bends forward and knocks their foreheads together affectionately.
“I’ll never love again,” he declares foolishly.
“Okay,” Erwin agrees for once. “This world doesn’t deserve your love, anyway.”
No more words are said after that. Levi caves in, he always does when it comes to Erwin, and lets himself fall forward into his embrace. The commander pulls him in until they are flush against each other, and his head is pressed into Levi’s neck. He nuzzles the angle of his jaw knowing full well that this might be the last time ever will be able to. Levi meets him with just as much enthusiasm and wraps his arms around his neck and infuriatingly broad shoulders. He squeezes at the tense muscles there and presses him impossibly closer, desperately wanting to memorize the feeling of his warmth against him forever.
This, Levi decides, is what he is going to miss the most. The feeling of being held, of being loved, of being seen. It dies with Erwin.
One of his hands reaches up to cradle the back of the blond’s head, scratching lightly at the short hair there. Levi presses his cheek to his temple and for once, he lets himself be sad. He lets himself feel the full weight of his grief, tugging him down, down, down again. He tries — oh, how he tries — to keep himself afloat, but it’s nearing impossible. Grief chokes him ruthlessly, but Erwin helps him breathe.
This may be the last night they spend together, and Levi is already working on accepting that as his reality. The gods demand their pound of flesh; tomorrow, he will handle it. Tomorrow, he will be strong again. Tomorrow, he will try to accept his death. Tomorrow. But tonight, Erwin is his to keep. After all, the day’s not over yet.
