#solemn rambles

[solemnrambles]

liekkien katveessa kipinöiden tanssi otsalla havahdun palavaan pajuun

tuhkattu hiekka taottu tuli taivaiden teräs ja titaani kuin tähtituli, kirkas ja kuoleva kiidän kohti taivaanrantaa

askel askeleelta veren ja suolan kohinassa tahtoni taotaan uudelleen

[solemnrosary]

It’s not just a Flaming Sword

So, I noticed something that I found to be kind of subtle but brilliant about the whole Flaming Sword ordeal. It’s about how the journey of the sword follows Aziraphale’s emotional arc. 

It’s much more than a Flaming Sword

First time the sword is brought about is in the very first episode,“Didn’t you have a flaming sword? You did- it was flaming like anything, what happened to it?” and Aziraphale responds “I gave it away”. 

Crowley is the first to ask and the only one to be told the truth intentionally. Aziraphale worries whether he did the right thing or not, to give the sword to Adam so that he may protect Eve and their unborn offspring, and Crowley readily says “oh you’re an angel- I don’t think you can do the wrong thing” (despite a little jesting comment about it being funny if they got it all backwards). 

I find that the context of their interaction either way is a just cheeky enough kind of ‘on the nose’, because this scene is after Crowley tempts Eve to take the knowledge of Good and Evil. “I can’t see what’s so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil”, while they, one supposedly good and one supposedly evil, stand on the wall of Eden looking at Adam and Eve leaving the Garden. They stand there, contemplating Good and Evil, ineffability and sum such, whether their previous actions were either good or evil, whether it was punishable and why things were allowed to happen. 

I believe, that while it is ambiguous if Aziraphale did the right thing- whether or not giving the sword away was Good or Evil, it doesn’t really matter. Because to Aziraphale, here on the wall, at the very beginning, whilst telling Crowley that he wished to do A Good Thing, the Flaming Sword becomes something like- a signifier of Aziraphale’s willingness to do The Right Thing despite possible consequences, simply because it’s the right thing to do. Aziraphale has a strong moral compass (and later an office to suit it) and he will follow it with great care to the ends of the world.

Later, the sword would end up in the hands of War, but Aziraphale never uses it as a weapon. He raises the Flaming Sword against Armageddon, but he doesn’t use it for what swords tend to be used for. It’s ceremonial, in a sense. He’d let go of the sword to do the right thing. It became a symbol of The Right Thing that’s done against authority. In the end, he let’s go of the sword once more, and they save the world. Now if that isn’t poetic symbolism then I don’t know what is. 

So where’s that sword Aziraphale

Now- after the wall of Eden scene there are 3 points during which the Flaming Sword is questioned after. 

The very first to test Aziraphales resolution on right and wrong is God Herself. “Where is the Flaming Sword I gave you, Aziraphale?” and Aziraphale dodges the question of the Almighty. And as Aziraphale would tell to Crowley later while they gaze at The Ark, God has never actually mentioned it again. 

He’d followed his gut about the right thing and stuck to his belief against insurmountable forces and that’s why God never asked about it again. Aziraphale did exactly what he needed to do. Not lie outright perhaps, but evade authority for the sake of the right thing. It’s something he will need to do later again and stay resolute about it.

The next scenes where the whereabouts of the Flaming Sword come into question are in episode 4 and 5 respectively.

Michael asks about the Flaming Sword after Aziraphale and Crowley had had their little tiff at the bandstand. Aziraphale is desperate to believe in Heaven, to believe that the Authority will do the right thing, that he denounces Crowley and their attempts to save the universe from Armageddon. His faith in The Right Thing is the shakiest it’s ever been, and this isn’t about something they can re-do and rebuild if it goes wrong. 

“What are ya??” “I’m uh- .....I’m soft”

“Almost forgot- according to our records you were issued a flaming sword? You didn’t lose that (did you)?” “W-what like I’d- I’d just- give it away? ..or something” in his mild fluster Aziraphale ends up saying out loud exactly what he’d done to do the right thing. He remembers it now, and he remembers why.  

 He is soft and he did give the sword away.

Aziraphale forgives Crowley, during the latter’s second attempt to at least save themselves if the angel will not save the world with him. Crowley had made a plan, he’d wanted to save the world just as much as Aziraphale does right now but Aziraphale had turned him down. The Flaming Sword had reminded Aziraphale about all that. About the Right Thing, about Eden, about going against everything to protect Adam and Eve. To save the humans, not knowing whether God approved of it (She evidently did).

After this point, having already been punched in the gut by Sandalphon, Aziraphale makes one - final- last ditch attempt to persuade Heaven out of the War and after God does not answer his prayer, and even Metatron enthuses about the destruction of humanity for the sake of the final war to end wars, Aziraphale's like shit okay well then I can’t go through with that, the right thing has to be to disobey. And he does. He calls Crowley to come clean about his deception and to finally take his offer to go and save the world, Heaven and Hell be damned.

The next time the whereabouts of the Flaming Sword is brought into discussion is after a little discorporation mishap with Mr. Shadwell in episode 5. 

But this time, Aziraphale does not hesitate even slightest. He’d already made his decision and now openly denounces Heavens order to join the war. Aziraphale touches the floating globe and the first one he seeks out in his discorporated form is Crowley, to make amends and follow through on his decision to save the world, come what may.  

After the Them fight the Four Horsemen, Aziraphale raises the Flaming Sword against Armageddon. Instead of threatening Crowley with it, he says 

“Come up with something or!-- or I will never talk to you again”  

And the rest is history. The Flaming Sword is given away once again. Aziraphale has no need of it. Never has. It was simply a reminder to have the resolve to do the Right Thing. 

It’s like, a deux ex 'remember that time you defied me? you did great now do that thing again' 

[solemnrambles]

There’s a hollow space between blades and nape where the weight of the world and grief, decades brewn have sat for time unending

Each breath shallower than last agony robbed all comfort and to forget the crushing crescendo I once rejoiced in it’s choir and rang the bell that called it’s ire more, more, more strike me down and strike me well wrench the heart and deliver its end

These cries did not yield toward an end of either kind

One might think that to strike self is not to strike another until they wake one morning to find their palms stained from tears

[solemnrambles]

[Adrift]

hands returned to helm have forgotten how to steer eyes lost in sea-shell green raining a brand new sea 

without a feathered fiend to rid me of my sight I find ways to peck mine own 

not knowing how to live beyond the bite of icy brine the mind forgets who we are and where to be

does it end?

[solemnrosary]

Thoughts on trans-clinic stuff in Finland and my own experience and identity and stuff below the cut ‘cause I need to ramble my thoughts out and don’t feel like bothering others with it

I am, genuinely, scared. 

Wednesday is my last diagnosis-phase appointment at the trans-clinic I’ve been going to for a year. I feel like most of that’s been taken by everyone asking whether I have mental illnesses or depression, or father issues, and retroactively trying to fit my autoimmune disease into a personality disorder, due to how confusion manifests in severe Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. 

And then shoveling me into a single word. Instead of, you know, talking about my body image? Because my social identity and my body are two very different experiences! I need help for the body, whatever I need to fix the body, not the social identity box!! I need more than what that box can give!

I’ve reiterated, time and time again, that ‘agender’ is how I understand myself and the world around me. In that, I do not have an inner sense or experience of being a man nor a woman nor anything else. I don’t have a gender, I don’t understand how people have a feeling of their gender, I can’t describe myself as a woman nor a man nor anything else, because I don’t have that mental marker in me. 

Right? Simple enough, a separate social identity and body image because being non-binary is a wonky experience to navigate in a binary world.

I’m there, because my body image does not reflect that which has been assigned to me, nor my own social identity. Your average person doesn’t tend to question these things, and here I am, having felt alienated from my own mortal coil since puberty. 

‘I grew wrong’ is what I’ve said. I have a perpetual, all encompassing feeling that I’m ‘wrong’. I look in the mirror, and I hate it. I hate seeing someone that I can’t recognize as me. I hate seeing a frame that’s irreparably wrong on a level that I couldn’t understand for the longest time. That feeling of bursting into tears, after trying clothes on again and again and again because ‘things don’t sit right’ and ‘everything feels wrong’ and ‘why why why do I look this way’. 

I hate it when people say that I look like my mother, not because I think of her as ugly, no, I think the body suits them and who they are and who they feel like, my mother is, despite her emotional incapability, is objectively quite a pretty person to look at, like all people, pretty in their own flavour. Whoever they are they look comfortable in it, and that shows. 

But me? I hate this body. It’s not mine. It hasn’t felt like mine for 12ish years. Nothing sits right, I feel things missing and I feel things that don’t belong. I have, dreams, whenever I am aware of a body, that show a very different me. Truthful me. I’ve seen these dreams for a long long time, before I could even comprehend my bisexuality, let alone gender identity. I look different. I am taller, broader in shoulders, angular. I look like, well, as I feel I’ve always supposed to have been. For the lack of a better word, I look like a man. I love like I’m supposed to. I can give, what I should be able to, I can accept it. Me, but in the correct shell. same eyes, same nose, same grin, same hair but in the right places. Not hairy, not muscular, just, correct. Not ‘woman’ and not ‘man’ but ‘me’. Looks like a man, I suppose, but to me I am always simply ‘me’. Still genderless in heart. 

and when I wake up from those dreams. 

I wish I didn’t. It’s painful, to live like this. 

In a body that looks like someone else entirely, feels so wrong and does the wrong things and constantly reminds me of those things. I can’t love in this. I can’t accept being loved in this. I can’t love in a body that functions like this, that can do what it’s not supposed to do. I can’t love with a chest like this, I cannot love when there’s a uterus in this body that’s not supposed to exist. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot love in this, not anyone, at all. I can’t offer what I’m supposed to offer, I’m not ‘enough’.

I can’t love like a man and I cannot accept being loved like a woman, I am not woman enough to be satisfied loving like one. I am too lacking in spirit to be ‘woman’ and I am too lacking in body to be ‘man’. I don’t know, what it means or feels like to be ‘woman’ or ‘man’ or ‘something else’, because I’m not anything like that in heart. 

If I disappeared one day, from this body, and someone else entirely, someone who’d be comfortable in it, took over, so many people could be so much happier. I wouldn’t make things confusing for them. They could call this by name and that person would answer. Someone they expect and accept would answer.

But I am not them. 

What do I do, if the trans-clinic tells me, that they won’t help me the way I need them to? What if they only give me a portion of what I need?

How do I live in that?

How do I accept being unable to love and be loved, in that?

It’s already hard to accept that I can’t truly fix all that I need. So what then, If I’m denied that which can be fixed?

Do I live?

Can I live? 

I suppose only time will tell... but I feel that I already know the answer.

I am, genuinely, scared. This is my one chance. My only chance. 

If I fuck up, if the system fails me..

.... what do I do then?

[solemnrambles]

[Resolve]

Whether the kindling of today be the ashes of tomorrow or a pyre raised in my forsaken name, I will run toward the sea with all my might.

Like the passage of dusk and dawn, time that once grew weary, I will be forged anew.

Let us meet upon that shore one day.

[solemnrosary]

Minä vs Universumi

Minä: "siivoon koko kämpän ja teen ruuan ni oon aktiivinen, tulee hyvä mieli ja porukat on kerranki tyytyväisii muhun!"

Universumi: *Imurin johto syttyy palamaan*

Minä:

Ei menny tänään ku Strömsössä that's for fucking sure!

Laitoin siis imurin töpseliin ja ihmettelin ku se ei meinannu käynnistyä, mut aattelin et pistorasia oli löystyny. Sain imurin käyntiin ja imuroin maton takaoven luota. KÄÄNNYIN YMPÄRI, IMURIN JOHDOSTA OLI MURTUNU KOHTA AUKI, SE HOHKAS TULIPUNASENA JA SAVUA TULI IHAN VITUSTI. 

Imuri kii, johto irti töpselistä ja ikkuna auki silleen OK. OKEI. TÄNÄÄN EI SIIVOTA.

Ilmesest se johdon pätkä on kärsiny vuosien mittaan mut tsiisus fucking christ imurin tuhoaminen ei kuulunu mun päivän suunnitelmiin. Se on viel Kirbyn imuri kaiken lisäks, aka vitun kallis, useemman tonnin hintanen monitoimi imuri.

6/5, aika legendaarista. 

Yrittikö universumi tappaa teitä ja polttaa taloa alas tänään? -R

[solemnrosary]

Mites me nyt näin;

Kyl on nyt taas niin jotenki mielensäpahottajan makua täs meiningis. Olin just syömäs perheen kans ja monien mutkien kautta tuli sit tää lähimmäisen päivä ja sukupuolineutraalit kyltit puheeks. Voi elämä mä en oikeasti kykene diilaamaan niien kans ku tulee politiikka puheeks. Niie reaktiot oli luokkaa “mikä vitun sukupuolineutraali” “siel on joku pahottanu mielensä ku tälläst paskaa eduskunnassa taas” “miksei joka päivä oo lähimmäisen päivä?? nii no sithän sen ei tartte olla enää liputuspäivä”. En ihan aidosti oikeesti kykene käsittämään heitä. 

Miksi on niin vaikea käsittää, et inklusiivisuus ja muutenkin muiden huomioon ottaminen ei vie heiltä mitään pois? että maailma ei oikeasti ole niin staattinen kuin he on oppineet uskomaan, että yhteiskunta muuttuu aina eikä ne perinteet ole niin syväjuurteisia kuin monesti mielletään. 

Kun kysäisin et mitä vikaa sukupuolineutrauliudessa on, niin heti vedettiin budjetti ja “menköön opiskelijat sitten töihin että pystyvät elämään ku jostain tämä raha pitää ottaa”. (Sinänsä törkeää että heti hyökättiin mun omia arkoja paikkoja (mm. tuo edellä mainittu työttömyys) kun en sille voi itse yhtikäs mitään, mutta ne tekee aina niin kun ne suuttuu jostakin) Totesin siinä, että eihän sitä ole pakko heti kaikkia merkkejä vaihtaa, vaan sen voisi sisällyttää normaaleihin liikennemerkkien huoltotoimiin, jolloin ne vaihtuisi itsekseen budjettia runnomatta muutamassa vuodessa yllättävän monista paikoista. Kun täälläkin nuo merkit on jo tosi huonossa kunnossa. Ja budjettiahan voi säätää muualtakin? Niin ei. Älkää edes aloittako puhumaan moskeijoista liikennemerkeissä tai muuallakaan, siitähän ne vasta riehumaan alkaa. 

Entäs sitten se lähimmäisen päivä? Eikö olis hienoa että otetaan huomioon myös ne huoltajat jotka eivät ole vanhempia, niinkuin tätejä, mummoja ja muita ihmisiä? Eihän mikään estä viettämästä lähimmäisen päivää juhlien omia vanhempia, siihen tulisi vain lisää ja se on eri nimellä? Moni ei edes ole väleissä vanhempiensa kanssa, vanhempi voi olla menehtynyt tai lapsi ei edes tiedä keitä he ovat. 

Miksi se on niin iso asia muuttaa ja siitä tulee niin paljon vihaa?

Tuntuu, että nuo vanhoilliset luovat omat ongelmansa, eivätkä edes huomaa sitä.