Breaking Through || Solo
Alex wasn't sure what to expect when Tess sent him a text and asked if they could talk. The first thing his mind jumped to was his running out after she had tried to kiss him. They hadn't discussed that yet and Alex was sure the talk was coming. But sitting across from her in his dorm, he wasn’t sure if that’s what she wanted to talk about. Tess had been silent for a couple of minutes and something felt off to Alex. Things felt very awkward. She didn’t seem like her normal self and she didn’t really seem mad at him either. He just hoped it wasn’t anything bad. “So, uh... What do you wanna talk about?” Alex finally asked, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
"I've been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. Life stuff. And I've been beginning to realize that I've grown up with unfair expectations of what's going to happen in my life," Tess said.
Alex had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, other than this wasn’t the first time she’d spoken like that. Clara had never got back to him again when he’d mentioned it before so he wasn’t sure why Tess was suddenly talking this way. “Okay,” Alex slowly drew out, not sure where this was going or how they could talk about it. “And?”
"And one of the things I realized was that I had unfair expectations of how my love life was going to be.” Tess began to nervously pick at her nail polish. “I always thought it would be like Cory and Topanga; boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy falls in love with girl. The end. I wanted to be like them, to have my first relationship be the one."
Okay, so it was the same thing again and Alex still couldn’t help but feel like he was to blame for it. He and Tess had had a thing for so long, neither one really doing anything about it and then with the whole triangle thing, it had kinda messed that up for Tess. “Yeah, I guess we haven’t really had things be that simple and straight forward.” Alex also felt bad that he was still grappling over the idea of breaking up with her. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Tess but he really wasn’t happy dating her, no matter how much he tried. “Nothin’ wrong with having expectations though. You like fairy tales and stuff.”
"I do like fairy tales but... Fairy tales aren't reality and I need to stop expecting them to be. Instead of just expecting things to to just be magic, I need to learn how to make my own magic and that starts with deciding where I actually want my life to go,” Tess explained, moving her hands around a lot.
Alex nodded as Tess spoke. It made sense and knowing how Clara and Barnabas had protected her from a lot of things growing up, it was probably a good idea too. What didn’t make sense to him was why she was telling him like this. It seemed more like something she’d talk about with Clara. “Where’s that?” Alex asked. “Where’d you want it to go?”
Tess continued to pick at her nail polish, looking down at her nails as she spoke. "I guess I want it to go where I'm happy and where I feel like I belong.” She finally looked up at Alex. “That seems like a good place to start if I'm looking for magic, don't you think?"
Still not sure where this conversation was going, Alex smiled reassuringly at Tess as everything she’d said sounded like it made perfect sense to him. “Yeah, that sounds like a real good place to start. You should be happy. You deserve to be.”
"We both deserve to be, Alex,” she instantly replied. “The thing is... I don't think either one of us actually is happy. You can lie and say that you are, because that's how you are, but we both know it's not true."
Huh. Alex’s smile instantly fell off his face. Out of everything he’d guessed this conversation could be about, Tess calling him out on not being happy with her hadn’t been one of them. He hadn’t thought she’d known that. He’d thought he’d probably have to eventually tell her, and end up hurting her in the process. “I’ve tried to be, but yeah, I guess I’m not.” Alex paused, suddenly realizing that she’d said neither one of them was happy. “You’re not happy either?” Tess simply shook her head, not saying a word. He’d already felt bad before for everything, but now Alex felt even worse. “Oh. Okay. I’m sorry.”
"If you're apologizing, then I guess I am too. I can see now that I wasn't the best person following the events of Halloween. Seeing you with Clara... It scared me. Not because I was actually scared at losing a shot at a good relationship but because I was afraid of losing the idea of the perfect relationship. It felt like my story was being taken away. That's not a good reason to go after someone."
Somehow, Alex managed to feel worse about the situation at the mention of Clara, knowing that he was still in love with her whilst dating Tess. He grew silent for several moments as he tried to put his thoughts together because this was a lot and he really wasn’t used to talking about feelings with Tess. They’d never really done that before. “It’s okay and y’know, I get that. I thought it was fate when you fell on my lap and I used to always think we’d be real good together, but as much as I’ve tried, this hasn’t been like how I thought it’d be. Nothing’s really been the same since we went to North Carolina.”
"Nothing's been the same since before then. Maybe we missed our window or maybe we were just always mistaking this for something that it wasn't. I do know that we were better when we were friends,” Tess said, before reiterating, “Just friends."
Alex wasn’t sure what Tess meant by that. It was learning Clara had feelings for him and kissing her that had started to change things for him. He’d thought things had always been the same for Tess. They really were bad at the whole talking thing. “Yeah, you’re right. Just friends sounds like a better idea for us. ‘Specially if we’re not happy as more than that.” Alex paused. “So, is this you breakin’ up with me?” he playfully asked, nudging her side with his arm.
"This is me breaking up with you." Tess bumped his side back.
Upon hearing those words, Alex instantly felt relieved as though a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He hadn’t had to break up with Tess. She’d done it for him and he was okay with that. “Consider me dumped.” He knew he probably should have done it a while ago, probably shouldn’t had asked her out to start with knowing how he felt about Clara, but Alex was happy to know that he hadn’t hurt her. “But we’re still friends, right? It’s not gonna make stuff weird between us?”
Tess nodded, and then shook her head in response. A confusing gesture but Alex knew what she meant. "In all honesty, I think it's going to make stuff less weird between us,” she said.
Alex grinned widely at that. Things hadn’t been the same between them for months, with the whole triangle thing making stuff weird, and he was glad to know that things would probably become less weird. He missed just hanging out with Tess, without any expectations how to act as her boyfriend or having to make sure he treated her and Clara equally. He missed how they used to be and he hoped they could get back to that. But more than anything, Alex hoped that Tess would be happy. “I hope you learn how to do your own magic and find some happiness in it.” He wasn’t sure how her analogy went but he figured that was close enough, and as Alex thought about it, maybe he should figure out how to make magic for himself too.