#some reflections

[samantha-reimagined]

Some motivation at the chiropractor and then a 3 mile walk! 

Thinking back to right before quarantine started, i was going to gym every other day, running, doing weights, and then i would go to work for 8-9 hours, and go back home to do it all again the next day. I physically felt like i was healthy, but honestly just the going going going was taking a toll. 

My apartment gym closing and being told to work from home and then the complete crash of our volumes really allowed for me to kind of take a reset. I didn’t have to work insane hours to get everything done. now i was looking for things to do. I couldn’t go to the gym, so i started doing daily walks around my neighborhood. Couldn’t go out to eat or just randomly go to stores, so i bought more intentional food and less snacks.

Now as we are allowed to finally do small things again, I feel so much happier and stronger with my workouts. I’m happy to go for runs, I’m making really good meals, there are still less snacks in my house but the snacks we do have are really intentional. I think my SO and I are the only people who lost weight during quarantine because of how little we snack and how much activity we do now.

Now, let’s hope this motivation stays as I progress into part time work and full time schooling.

[chasingpegasus]

I keep thinking about what Mattia said about wanting to see Seb after the race in Monza. It was such an important moment for me, because I only started to feel interested in Mattia. I knew he was angry with Charles after the quali, I knew he wanted Seb to get the tow from Charles in Q3 and have a better chance to win the race. I was slightly under Mattia’s spell, I’m not going to lie, but I wanted him to be the good guy who loves Seb. I wanted my followers to see him the way I did. There was no other way to do it, then to write a fic. So after so many years of not writing, I wrote the Monza short. It was just wishful thinking, but now I know what Mattia really felt after Monza and how he immediately wanted to be close to Seb, just as I wrote in the short. It makes me happy even though the race will always be one of the saddest moments for me as Seb fan.

I wanted to delete the short a couple of times because it didn’t feel like a good representation of my writing, but now I actually like it. Because it’s closer to reality than I thought. The idea of Mattia feeling an immediate urge to be with Seb when he was hurting, it’s so appealing to me. It reveals so much about his character. Not every team boss would do that.

[rettoseireddo]

Some theories and facts about Vulcans  !!  I don't speak English, I hope you understand something ...!!

[playdoughsrepublic]

anytime u involve urself w a boy just know u fuckin played urself and keep that shit stored in ya head for later👉😎👉

[chaoticbuka]

Tomorrow is father's day... First one since my father-in-law died. We will get through it of course but man am I thinking a lot about this time last year. Grief is a bitch. We have a whole year of "first ___ without him" ahead of us. And only half way through our 2nd year without my mother-in-law, who--by the way-- was the most loving mother-in-law I could have ever dreamed to have. I swear, I partially married my partner because of his mom. I miss her terribly.

I miss my father-in-law too. Things were rough at the end. Especially after my mother-in-law was hospitalized and passed. But for 12 years before that, he was fun and delightful. He'd randomly sing little diddies and ask, "d'ya know that song?" (I never did) And sometimes he'd say, "course ya don't. I just made it up."

When I graduated with my master's degree he cheered for me and spent way too much money on a celebration dinner. When the server asked if we wanted dessert, he looked at me with that grin. (You could always count on the two of us wanting dessert)

I know people who have rough relationships with their in-laws and I'm so glad that I can't relate. Even when things were rough and scary there was always love between all of us. That's probably why things felt so rough and scary because of how much we cared for each other.

Holidays are hard. They make the small ways you miss someone suddenly big and impossible to ignore. Especially the first and second since losing them.

[therylez]

tl;dr, rambling about life

So i didn't finish my term paper, instead i fell sick and it's disappointing to me that I am gonna fail the class, but I also think it is really making me think about what is important to me, how i organise my time, and so on, because I keep taking on way too much, thinking that if i just work hard enough i can do it and if I can't then I am just too lazy and not good enough. And it is kinda crazy that i still think this way even though I am the first one to tell other people to slow down, that they're not lazy (because laziness in general does not exist), that they should look after themselves first... But applying it to myself is so HARD, i think when i see other people its so much easier to ignore all the societal pressures and to look past how deeply ingrained these messages of "if you just work hard enough you can do it!" are in us. I always feel like i am falling behind, because the way I go about life just does not fit the straight line of "go to school, to college, get a degree in 3-5 years and then get on to your career etc". I have so many interests and it is so hard for me to stay with one thing and i don't think that its a bad characteristic of me, i actually love that about me. But it just doesn't fit in with how I feel like my life should be, based on what I see around me, what is being portrayed as the "ideal" life. I first studied chemistry for a few years after I switched to political science, and when people ask me I usually say that it was just not for me etc; and it is true to some extent but I also actually do not regret studying it at all. I loved parts of it and I loved that I had the opportunity to learn so much about natural sciences before committing to the human sciences, because I love learning, I love expanding my mind, I wish I could learn as many different subjects in my life as I want. My CV is sort of a mess because I also switched around wildly different jobs, there is no clear coherency, but I loved being able to experience all those different things. But I know that all of this just looks so bad in the eyes of employers and that thought constantly stresses me out.

I am also battling C-PTSD and have been for all my life, and I keep forgetting how hard that is. I never wanted to be alive for ..most of my life, and now I do and it is such a HUGE change, such an amazing feeling to wake up and be actually excited for the day. When I was younger I thought I'd be alone my whole life, but now ... I don't feel alone anymore. I made actual, human connections, I know what love and deep friendship feels like and it is the greatest gift in my whole life. But at the same time it is so frustrating because even though it is an achievement that is actually INSANE, i would dare to say more difficult than any degree, any job, any of these external things; but it is just absolutely not visible for anyone around me. It's like...people look at my messy life, my messy CV, the time I need to study, my failures, and judge me based on that and I wanna scream that they have no idea of the strength and the difficulty it took me to get there in the first place but most won't understand, and particularly when it comes to finding jobs, mentioning that would be a death sentence anyway.

I guess a lot of this is really anxiety over jobs, and over financial issues. I am afraid of my future because I feel like nothing is safe. And the other part is my anxiety over how other people see me. Which is annoying that it still affects me that much, but I guess its a long road to finally let go of other people's opinion, especially when so much is stacked against me in that area because not giving a shit about other peoples opinion is an easy thing to say when you fit in; but as a queer, neurodivergent person, i usually... don't. Which is why i need to surround myself with "my" people a lot more, but I am still working on that.

Anyway. So I have been thinking about how I want to structure my life going forward, and for me it is crystal clear that I need to focus on the things that are actually important to me even if it will take me even longer to get my degree, and even if it makes me less employable and less palatable, less 'successful' in the eyes of society. I want to make keeping in touch with the people that I care about into a priority, even if i feel like i don't have the time. I want to try more things, i want to learn more languages, and I want to have the free time to do that. I want to work in whatever job interests me at the moment, even if it doesn't "make sense" for my CV, because I'll never know where it might lead me, and honestly, nobody's life is 'secure' anyway. So unless financial distress forces me to, I will put my interests, my life over any kind of career. I don't want to apply for anything that doesn't interest me even if it would look good on the outside. I will take the time that I need to do my studies even if it seems "too slow". I will take time to rest.

I will take care of myself, this is my promise to me.

[onestowatch]

Bloody White Delivers an Incandescent Sonic Autobiography on 'Some Reflections'

Rising anti-pop icon bloody white rounds off a busy year of releases with his much-anticipated sophomore EP entitled some reflections. The three-part project is the culmination of bloody white’s musical evolution thus far, showing listeners that he is reaching full bloom.

In some reflections, bloody white continues to carve out his own niche using a fusion of sounds that are both familiar and futuristic. Drawing inspiration from all corners of music from Skrillex to Jon Bellion to Kendrick Lamar, bloody white deftly incorporates diverse influences into his own unconventional pop sound. some reflections delivers a level of lyrical honesty and musical rawness that we are coming to expect of the young talent.

some reflections is an autobiographical snapshot of a time in bloody white’s life when he was grappling with the fallout from a toxic relationship. During this rough patch, he contemplated the damage done by his ex-lover, channeling the painful experience into the three tracks. While “12am” recounts a failed attempt to reconnect with an ex, “I’m Busy” provides further insight into the way his ex curved him. Finally, in “Scars,” bloody white speaks about the veritable harm he endured at the hands of his past partner.

Over the course of some reflections, bloody white pushes the boundaries of voice as an instrument. By distorting his vocal recordings, bloody white creates an “abstract collage of sounds,” most notably featured in “12am” and “I’m Busy.” bloody white explains that an artist’s voice “is the most personal instrument,” which he uses to further distinguish his personal musical identity.

The stage name bloody white is derived from the visual metaphor of blood staining anything white. As he described to us, the name bloody white is “a reminder that evil/sin can tarnish even the purest individuals, especially those we idolize.” bloody white undeniably lives up to this fascinating and abstract pseudonym through his equally captivating music in some reflections.

Listen to it below.

[pisati]

T’s wife had her baby today. kid looks just like his dad.  on the post she wrote she mentioned they’d had their first date 5 years ago today. I’d been reading my timehop this morning and saw that today 5 years ago I was wondering why T wasn’t talking to me. it felt like he was avoiding me. I’d asked him maybe a week before if I could visit for my birthday, and he said I could stay with him. I’d just seen him in July, and things were the way they had been. I thought he’d gotten attached too. he said he had, anyway. but talking to him not even a month later... I knew something was off. I had my suspicions, but I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. when I got to indiana on my birthday, A was there. he talked to T for me (after some.. interesting changes of plans) and told me T was planning to put me on the couch for the week anyway. that hit me like a truck. I knew I was right. A offered to let me stay with him, and I took him up on it. it took a few days before I actually saw T. I actually forgot how it all happened, but of course, in typical-me fashion, I wrote it out. some excerpts:

Anyway, one night Brittany and her roommate wanted to play Cards and I promised her we'd do it. A had told me he'd talked to T and apparently T thought I was being disrespectful and childish by not talking to him. But he wanted me to figure it out, he refused to talk to me most of the week. So I had to be the one to text him. I thought he was busy and that he didn't want to see me so I didn't do it before. It was making me sad because I just wanted to see him. So the night I was planning to go to Brittany's I went to his place. He suggested we go on a walk.

He told me basically what he told A; that he was disappointed in me. I got quiet. I didn't want to cry but I had a lot I wanted to say. I told him I couldn't read his mind; that I didn't know he wanted me to say something.

...

Eventually he brought up that he was *kind of* seeing someone else. That hit me hard. It shouldn't have, but he didn't fucking tell me. He just kept it quiet and was planning on telling me, on my birthday, no less, that he was going to have me sleep on his fucking couch all week. I don't know if he didn't want to hurt me or what... but you know what, waiting that long and then expecting me to go hunting him down... that was some bullshit. A told me he agreed with me, too. He thought T was being unreasonable. He knows me better than T apparently; he had to tell him that I'm not that kind of person and I'm not going to go against who I am to do that kind of thing.

We just kept walking and I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to break down crying in front of him. That was the last thing either of us needed. I shouldn't have been wanting to cry anyway. We weren't a thing anymore. I should have remembered that a long time ago, but fuck. I was there a month before. One month. Nothing changed. Not one damn thing. He kissed me like he meant it. He looked at me like I was fucking special. And not even a few weeks later (I'd messaged him around a week before I went up and that was when I noticed he sounded different), he's "seeing someone". Fuck. I shouldn't have cared so much. I really shouldn’t have. But while I was lying in bed sobbing uncontrollably over nothing most of the summer, having to keep myself from having yet another panic attack over nothing, breaking down sobbing in the bathroom... all I could think of that would calm me down was his hand on my arm. Trying to fall asleep alone again (and just realizing that I was alone all the time) was torturous. But I’d hold a pillow close and pretend I felt his hand in my hair and I could fall asleep again. Just knowing that he meant so much to me and his presence was enough to ground me, and knowing that after so long and after telling me he was attached too (which honestly surprised me) that he could easily drop the idea of me because some other pretty girl happened by... it kills me. It shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have held on to him so long. But he was all I had. Literally the only good thing I had to hold on to while I was riding the vicious waves of a perpetually worsening panic disorder and watching my depression come back. He told me he'd be there for me as a friend because that was what he could do, and I understood that. I was grateful for that. But where the fuck was he when I texted him asking if he had a few minutes, because I was so inconsolable I didn't know what else to do? Out drinking. Where was he when I was in the emergency room after he knew I was sick because he saw in person how much weight I lost from not eating and how much physical pain I was in? Fuck if I know. He didn't once text me to ask if I was okay. I ended up telling him about all the testing I went through while we were walking. And then he brought up that his stomach and heartburn problems weren't getting better either so he had to get more scopes. Like, cool, we're making this a competition now too?

...

Anyway. When we got back I told him I was going to Brittany's. He said he had people coming over. He wouldn't even stand up to hug me. Just an awkward hug while he was sitting down. I left and the second I shut the door I was in tears. I hightailed it back to A's room because I wasn't about to go up to Brittany's crying like that. A was already in his boxers watching Netflix in bed but he knew what was wrong the second I walked in the door. I already had tears on my face. All I said was "why didn't you tell me?"

He knew. He knew that whole damn time and he didn't tell me. I guess he wanted T to be the one to tell me, and I'm sorry but fuck that. When I'm 4 hours away most of the damn time, waiting for one person to tell me something like that is not an important thing. All I cared about was that I knew it and it took me somewhere around 4-5 days to learn about it. That's just not fucking fair. A even had the balls to ask "tell you what?". As if he didn't know. It wasn't something I should've been crying over but it was such a shock to my system, I couldn't help it. I'd been imagining worst-case scenarios as I tend to do and that happening was precisely one of them. Again, with the thinking about how much I cared about him and how easily disposable I was to him. Again. Fuck. I even told him he was the first guy to not make me feel disposable. I guess I spoke too soon.

A sat there with me while I cried. He didn't have a lot to say, but I didn't either. We had a long talk once I calmed down enough. I ended up texting Brittany to tell her what happened and that I might be late. I was being really negative and he was trying to help me out of those thoughts. I get so irrational when I’m upset, it’s disgusting. I was so thankful he helped me through it though. He hugged me and I told him I really needed more people like him in my life. And I do.

He told me he’d come with me to Brittany’s and I told him he didn't have to if he’d rather stay and have some time alone (because me being around all the time... I’m sure that was horrible). But he got really serious for a minute and said he’d go. What a sweetheart.

it’s making me cry thinking back on it. I haven’t looked at that post in years. most of those older posts, actually. I stopped reading back after a while. I forgot most of the things that happened that particular week; reading about it it’s like it wasn’t even me. it’s like it wasn’t even them. things changed so much. 

just skimming back, looking over those posts scattered across 2014-2016... jeez. I went from I really like him and I’m absolutely terrified of losing him to I hate his fucking guts within 2 years with A. I watched my depression get really fucking bad. I really did numb out, holy shit. I used to feel things. for real! I felt so deeply and I actually tried. A held me and I was happy. he stirred early in the morning and woke me up and kissed me for a minute and we both fell back asleep and I was happy. I didn’t feel sick to my stomach over it. 

I was wondering if I’d ever work my way out of it. in 2015-16 it felt like I never would. I’d test myself; I’d picture myself in situations like that again. picture even the most innocent nothings: a hand on my thigh, a gentle kiss, a hand on my back. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. like I wanted to scream. I didn’t know how on-the-ball I was in 2017:

I want to be held and cared about but the next person to do that will have to do it gently or else deal with me kicking and screaming. I want it but I really, really don’t. I’m just scared. I know what they want. It's always the same thing. And it’s never me. I just happen to be there. I’ve irreversibly linked any semblance of affection with being used and it makes me want to scream when I think about it. I can’t think about being touched at all. I’d have to be apathetic. I’d have to have reached a place where I’ve completely stopped caring. And then it would feel like nothing. At least it wouldn’t hurt.

“it would feel like nothing”; and then I’d write about how Alec’s bandmate pulled me back by my hips during a set at farm jam and tucked his face into the crook of my neck, and I walked back to his camp with him fully expecting to make some real bad decisions, and I felt sick to my stomach but I felt nothing at the same time. and then I’d write about festivus and how I’d have to stomach a kiss from someone I used to want to kiss a lot, and how I felt sick to my stomach but I felt nothing at the same time. I think I did reach that place, but I don’t want to be there.

in a way I’m glad I’m forgetting what all happened. maybe I don’t remember feeling cared about, but I don’t remember being so hurt either. neither the pain nor the fear are as strong as they used to be. I don’t miss T anymore. I can’t say I don’t miss how I felt with him, but it could’ve been anyone and I’d say the same. I don’t know him anymore just like he doesn’t know me anymore. I think that line about how their first date was 5 years ago today bit extra hard because this was the first I was hearing of it. I didn’t even know. he never took me on any dates. he kind of joked that he would, I think; or maybe he told me he would before I left? I remember him begrudgingly taking me to Fortune the day before I moved out. I hated feeling like he was so done with me after just a few weeks. and then not only was he *kind of* seeing someone, now I’m learning he actually wanted to take her on a date. a real one. not just hook up. it’s really hard to not question your worth when these things keep happening. I’ve never even been worth a date. just a pretty piece of ass in the meanwhile. I’ll stop saying it when I’m wrong.

I am happy for them. I was surprised and relieved to hear they got their shit together for the baby. gives me a little hope they’ll be okay long-term. I’m glad he found someone on his wavelength. glad she makes him so happy. it hurt so bad at first, but it was more the loss of a good thing than anything else. it was never going to be me. I just wanted to hope that things could be good for me too.

I’m glad to be forgetting. I felt before like this pit was so deep-- too deep to get out of. I was afraid I’d be sickened by affection forever. it’s been a few years of it, and I’m worn out. it’s been horribly, painfully quiet and lonely, but on the flip side of that, it’s also been calm. no drama, no heartache. I might be able to stomach more. I might actually want more, with fewer reservations. my therapist was right; I really do just need to hold my breath, cross my fingers, and take the plunge. I can’t learn to trust again or feel feelings again if I close myself off for good. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the way I was before, but I’m starting to come to terms with that. maybe I’m changed, maybe that’ll be okay.