I feel like I need to scream
Is the gift God gave me so frivolous that I must discard it from worshipping Him altogether?
Perhaps I am wrong in thinking so, or perhaps I’m misunderstanding it. But I am in a situation where I’m quite literally the poor drummer, having nothing much to offer on the spot other than my voice and my drumming.
That bodhrán of mine lies lonely by my bedside, unplayed, because I’m so scared to touch it. I’ve had so many people say to me “ARGH HERETIC TOMBOY LESBIAN BIKER BUTCH RAWR” simply because the sound of the drum beckons to me in a way other instruments have not, and I haven’t hidden my passion for it. I’m still dealing with the stigma, and often when I think about what I yearn to do with the drum, I break down and cry.
I want to inspire awe and reverence, deep longing and love, when I play. Perhaps I’m not gifted enough for it, but this is what I deeply desire. Often I feel that it’s too much to ask, because the people around me give hundreds of reasons why I shouldn’t use my gift in the way my heart drives me to do. I break the rules on this when I’m alone, because on occasion, I muster that little bit of courage to drum for him in the silence of my room. But these days, I’m too scared to even do that. It’s unbecoming of a woman, it’s unbecoming in worship… what am I meant to do if I cannot share this gift with God’s people because it’s frivolous and unbecoming?!
Maybe I’m just wrong. If so, I really am sorry. No sarcasm. I’ll put my gift aside if it is really the case that I cannot do what I’ve written.