all or none or maybe some
in my escapades of self-exploration, i’ve been digging into the all-or-none principle and how much it plays a factor in my daily functioning. it’s something i’ve never really viewed in a negative light, allbeit any light. one of my biggest strengths is that i’m a maximizer: i strive for excellence. to take something bad and make it good is pleasurable. but to take something already great and make that even better, that’s the sweet spot. however, with that comes the idea that i try to make the most out of every situation. which isn’t necessarily something so wrong, however the way my mind has merged the all-or-none principle with my pursuit for maximization has called a lot of internal strife. i see it a lot in the ways i pursue interpersonal connections. with my friends, i try to embrace them to the fullest. with love, i aim to do so with such vigor and ferocity. i try for the best because why not? what’s the point of having something that’s not 100%? i want to have it all, i want the best. i want all of the other person. in an effort to do so, i end up giving up so much of myself. i give you all of me and with that comes the expectation for you to give all of yourself.
as nice as it sounds, that’s not the best, and honestly, that’s far from how it works. people can’t give their all to you. most people can’t even give all of them to themselves. when i examine my behavior, the effort i put into other relationships is exponentially larger than the effort i put into myself. this mixing of the all-or-none fallacy with my tendency to maximize has created such a disconnect in my brain and developed into this draining trait. the connections i have are so strong and solidified and probably meet any criteria for excellence. most of friends, even those i barely know, see me as this ray of light; they see so much worth in me. but i try to make that even better and as i try to squeeze out more friendship, more connection, a stronger bond, i’m striving for perfection; or better yet my perception of what a perfect connection looks like. in doing so i’m surely going to be let down. as i usually am. the amount i give induces vast appreciation for me as an individual but whether or not i want to admit it, there’s some part of me that expects something in return. and when i don’t get it or when i get something but not exactly what i give, i feel disappointed. if i can’t have all of you and i’m giving you all of me, there’s something that feels wrong. maybe i haven’t given you enough? maybe you’re not seeing all of me? why? oh well, because you’re light shines so bright (my desire to see positivity in those around me; to see the good in all). so then, there must be something wrong with me? i must not be giving enough. i need to do more to strive for this attention and achieve what so i desire. so i give more of myself. and yet i feel disconnected, i feel unappreciated, but i can’t see anything wrong in the other person, so it’s a me problem. and it’s this repetitive cycle where i just force some feeling of disconnect instead of embracing what i get. if i don’t have all, then i have none. and if embracing that is my idea of maximization, then the only thing i’m maximizing is my pain, my disappointment, my perceived disconnect.
that’s where the idea of “the some” comes along. this is where i struggle. some means that i can accept 80 when i want 100. some means that i can appreciate what i do have and find the value in all of my connections. some can still be excellence. some can still mean i’m maximizing. some also means giving less of myself to others. it means not just throwing all of me out there. it means saving some of myself, for me. so that i can see my own value, just as i try to find the value in those around me. some is the reality of the world we live in, the one outside of my head without all the crazy expectations of others and over myself.