Seems like it’s going to turn out to be a hyunjin ff but we’ll see
WARNING: some mature themes
| the start of part one |
[Unknown Number]
야, 너 오는거야?
[Me]
uh... sorry?
[Unknown Number]
oh sorry! that was meant for a friend haha
[Me]
yeahh, i expected as much
[Unknown Number]
what's your name?
[Me]
a..
[Unknown Number]
ohh u dont wanna say... im changbin, are u from canada?
[Me]
uh yeah how'd u know?
SET "UNKNOWN NUMBER" AS CHANGBIN?
YES/NO
[Changbin]
kind of from the fact u apologized for me texting u
[Changbin]
i was born in korea but i'm actually living in a city called vancouver right now, im roommates with 8 other guys.
[Me]
uh, i actually live in vancouver too ... it would be funny if we went to the same school
[Changbin]
me and three of the guys are transferring to Thratmore for our senior year !
[Me]
ur fucking with me, right? that's where i go-
[Changbin]
well i'm looking forward to this, see u tomorrow
[Me]
perfect.
MESSAGE SEEN SUNDAY 11:00PM
God, I'm exhausted. I guess that's what I get for going to sleep at fricking 1:00 AM and waking up at 4:30. I didn't even want to wake up, I was dreading senior year. I hate school. I hate everything but hey, only 10 months left... I honestly don't want to put effort in, but I always felt the urge to look decent. Maybe I'll wake up and be a sexy beast one day and suddenly boys will be like hot damn, and i'll just get a boyfriend like poof.
Hah, sike. A bitch thought.
I went to my closet, and pulled out what I had planned for today, Blue mom jeans, a black cropped sweatshirt, and my combat boots. As I put on my clothes I remembered Changbin. At least he doesn't know what I look like...
My makeup was simple, my eyebrows, some mascara, a few dabs of deep pink lipstick, and highlighter. For breakfast I had my usual sunny side up egg on toast, and then I headed out. When I got to school it was already busy. Everyone was standing with their big groups of friends and I shook my head.
How are they so happy.
Yeah, maybe I was just being petty because I lowkey wished I had friends but I also just hate myself so...
The first half of the day dragged on.. It felt hours. When it was finally lunch I immediately went upstairs with my food and sat at my usual table in the cafeteria. The room started filling up and the table beside mine that usually stayed empty, stayed empty for the next few minutes. I sat there, reading my book and snacking on peppers. Suddenly the room went silent and a group of four guys walked in. I could tell everyone was eyeing their clothes, the Off-white, Vétement, Gucci, and they screamed rich.
Great, more spoiled kids in this school.
But then I realized, oh my god, one of them must be Changbin. Of course he's a spoiled asshole! I shook my head slightly, and the sounds of the cafeteria slowly picked up again. The boys continued walking though, and I tried to focus on my book. When I noticed they were heading to the empty table next to mine, I didn't even look up. I just prayed they weren't going to sit there.
All of a sudden a deep voice made me jump,
"Hi, sorry, didn't mean to scare you. I'm Changbin, that's Hyunjin, Jisung, and Chan."
My heart stopped, lord, these are beautiful people.
"Hi, nice to meet you." I said softly, and turned back to my book.
Sorry Changbin, I'm not looking for friends. I'm sure everybody in this school would love to be your pal. As I was turning, I caught the eye of one of the guys, he had beautiful lips, and he smiled softly.
Well shit.
Finally the day ended and I went home exhausted. Almost as soon as I flopped onto my bed for a nap, I got a message.
[Changbin]
i didn't see u today :(
[Me]
yeah oops!!
[Changbin]
do u wanna meet up tomorrow??
[Me]
uh probably not, imma be kinda busy i think.
Boy, just take a hint.
[Changbin]
awe ok... goodnight !!
The next day I had art first block and graphic arts second block, my two favorite classes! I walked into art. I didn't mind the people in art, mostly because everyone kind of just... minds their own business. I walked over to my corner I sat in last year and waited for people to show up. I waited and suddenly the boy who I thought had pretty lips walked in to the class. I expected him to go sit with the kids who have expensive clothes but to my surprise and maybe even dismay, he walked over and sat beside me.
"Hi, I'm Hyunjin!"
Why does my heart feel like this,
"I'm Alice..."
"How ar-"
The boy, Hyunjin, suddenly noticed I wasn't up to chatting and awkwardly grinned, silencing himself. The class went by surprisingly fast, usually the first few days are always boring.
When the bell rang I gathered my supplies and headed out the door... A hand on my shoulder caused me to flinch.
"S-sorry! I was just wondering what class you have now." Hyunjin yelped, letting go of me. I shook my head, ignoring him, and continued walking. I half expected him to stop following me but he ended up going with me all the way to graphic arts.
"Wow, what a coincidence." He chuckled, entering the class with me.
You have to be kidding me.
He didn't talk to me for the rest of class and I was low key thankful. Finally when it was lunch I escaped him and went up to my table, I was half hoping the four boys wouldn't come today. But as per usual, I was wrong and they entered. I looked up against my better judgement, and saw how good Changbin looked. I was captivated, though the sudden speaking of my name caused me to snap out of it. Hyunjin was at the table next to mine and he was sitting in the chair closest to mind, staring at me.
"Hey Alice, can we sit with you?"
| the end of part one |
TRANSLATIONS:
“야, 너 오는거야?”
MEANS
“Hey, are you coming?”
(Said informally to a younger person)
(A/N) uh hey as this story goes on it’ll evolve and we’ll see if its a hyunjin ff or changbin❤️ i made the boys all 18 for it to make sense that they’re all in school and grade 12.
in my escapades of self-exploration, i’ve been digging into the all-or-none principle and how much it plays a factor in my daily functioning. it’s something i’ve never really viewed in a negative light, allbeit any light. one of my biggest strengths is that i’m a maximizer: i strive for excellence. to take something bad and make it good is pleasurable. but to take something already great and make that even better, that’s the sweet spot. however, with that comes the idea that i try to make the most out of every situation. which isn’t necessarily something so wrong, however the way my mind has merged the all-or-none principle with my pursuit for maximization has called a lot of internal strife. i see it a lot in the ways i pursue interpersonal connections. with my friends, i try to embrace them to the fullest. with love, i aim to do so with such vigor and ferocity. i try for the best because why not? what’s the point of having something that’s not 100%? i want to have it all, i want the best. i want all of the other person. in an effort to do so, i end up giving up so much of myself. i give you all of me and with that comes the expectation for you to give all of yourself.
as nice as it sounds, that’s not the best, and honestly, that’s far from how it works. people can’t give their all to you. most people can’t even give all of them to themselves. when i examine my behavior, the effort i put into other relationships is exponentially larger than the effort i put into myself. this mixing of the all-or-none fallacy with my tendency to maximize has created such a disconnect in my brain and developed into this draining trait. the connections i have are so strong and solidified and probably meet any criteria for excellence. most of friends, even those i barely know, see me as this ray of light; they see so much worth in me. but i try to make that even better and as i try to squeeze out more friendship, more connection, a stronger bond, i’m striving for perfection; or better yet my perception of what a perfect connection looks like. in doing so i’m surely going to be let down. as i usually am. the amount i give induces vast appreciation for me as an individual but whether or not i want to admit it, there’s some part of me that expects something in return. and when i don’t get it or when i get something but not exactly what i give, i feel disappointed. if i can’t have all of you and i’m giving you all of me, there’s something that feels wrong. maybe i haven’t given you enough? maybe you’re not seeing all of me? why? oh well, because you’re light shines so bright (my desire to see positivity in those around me; to see the good in all). so then, there must be something wrong with me? i must not be giving enough. i need to do more to strive for this attention and achieve what so i desire. so i give more of myself. and yet i feel disconnected, i feel unappreciated, but i can’t see anything wrong in the other person, so it’s a me problem. and it’s this repetitive cycle where i just force some feeling of disconnect instead of embracing what i get. if i don’t have all, then i have none. and if embracing that is my idea of maximization, then the only thing i’m maximizing is my pain, my disappointment, my perceived disconnect.
that’s where the idea of “the some” comes along. this is where i struggle. some means that i can accept 80 when i want 100. some means that i can appreciate what i do have and find the value in all of my connections. some can still be excellence. some can still mean i’m maximizing. some also means giving less of myself to others. it means not just throwing all of me out there. it means saving some of myself, for me. so that i can see my own value, just as i try to find the value in those around me. some is the reality of the world we live in, the one outside of my head without all the crazy expectations of others and over myself.
#Community #AllorNone #LSPC IF YOU ARE CARING FOR A #CHILD who’s #Parent is #incarcerated Bering them and get #LINKSTOPOSITIVEPEOPLE💯✊🏾#Oakland #FreeBikes #Lyfechanges https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq-8awTFr7U/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=wxqwhlxi8crj
