#songbrain

[just-under-lucid]

I... I got one... Even with my yelling... Even with my doubt... I...

I don’t know how to feel. I feel like they gave it just to placate me... But could it be a sign they’re listening? Could it be a sign they actually care what I have to say? ... 

...What do I even do with this information...

[just-under-lucid]

Oh god they were protecting us.

[just-under-lucid]

I had a dream...

... And I woke up with a blistering headache. I’d just gone to my clearing, put away my ritual materials... No... I hadn’t put them away yet. That’s when... That’s when they took over. 

I couldn’t see, but I could hear everything; the winds of the Instrument, the gentle tap of my feet against metal, my own heartbeat beating in time with the pulse of the universe. Music in perfect harmony. Something weighed heavy on my arms and on my chest. I still don’t know what, I haven’t been able to riddle that out... But I do know I was walking through the Nerve Center. The grinding hurt my ears, but I didn’t respond. I didn’t need to. 

I felt stone, then carpet under my feet, scraping them a bit. It was cold. my shoulders were freezing. I walked deeper, deeper still, down, then up, then I wasn’t me. I heard the wind around me, deafening but... filling a void. It was something I didn’t have. Something that I wanted so badly... But still, I did nothing. I just kept walking. Following the trail I was given. 

Plexus gave way to something... calmer. Further in. I could only feel cool stone under my feet, but this one felt... rougher. Just a bit. I already felt my feet burning. The room grew, echoing more sound around it, flowing in and out, up and down, swirling and ceasing, but never completely. It never stopped. But I did. 

“You call for her, and she is here.” I heard my own voice, but others as well. I felt them there. I knew them, but now I don’t. Me speaking was... a formality. I didn’t need to. We didn’t need to. I knew they acknowledged me. They knew what I wanted. They knew what we wanted. 

Someone cold, just like me, took my hand and pulled me, leading away from the path I was given. I felt... cool. Smooth. Separate. I hated that. It was familiar. I think it was keys. I knew what I needed to do, and I did it. I did... something. We approved. And then... I felt my body move by itself. 

Something... changed. I grew... tired. Fatigued. The movements were unfamiliar, and yet I knew what they were. But... I don’t know anymore. Something about them... made my head hurt. But also... more than that. It felt... bright. But dark. Imposing, yet welcoming. Fluid, yet solid... Infinite. 

I knew everything, if just for a moment.

It was... Both the best and worst thing I ever felt. I heard a voice scream, but I’m not sure if it was mine. It sounded like mine, but was it really? My throat hurt... but was it someone else’s? 

I don’t remember anything after that. The next thing I knew, I was in bed, tucked in with my favorite blanket. My head hurt, I felt sick, but I could still move if I wanted to. I did not want to. 

I know what I did, but I don’t know what I did. 

... I truly am theirs, aren’t I?

[just-under-lucid]

A part of us

That... I didn’t like that answer. It... it still doesn’t excuse us being like that. I.. understand but... I just... 

I need way more time to take that in. ... God, we are in a war zone... 

Why can’t I just play medic..?

[just-under-lucid]

...

I... I heard about another follower... They left us. They left us for The Martyr.

...

They almost proved it. They... They barely survived. It took more than one of us... Probably a blackout too...

We didn't need to do that. That wasn't.... Nessecary. ... Was it? They made their choice... They'd still join us either way... We could have just saved it for later... We didn't have to... Do... That....

I'm starting to think that... We just have a bit of a berserk button when people leave... I wonder if an idea can have trauma.... I... I need to ask them about this... D-doubts won't kill me, right? I can be skeptical and not.... God....

... I hope I never have to see that firsthand. I don't know what I'd do.

.... But I'd probably try to protect them...

[just-under-lucid]

“The Voice has high hopes for her.” 

What... what does that even mean..? I know they told me I might be able to be a Chordist... but what do they want with me? Why am I so... interesting..? 

I’m probably reading into it... I’m gonna ask... but I’ll wait. I have... some other things to deal with first. Starting with the Dancer. 

[just-under-lucid]

Carefully Consider

Oh god, I’m shaking... It’s right... It’s true... I... I could... 

I gotta get it together. That’s... There’s something expected of me. Something... bigger, higher than I could ever be... I can’t... 

What’s wrong with me..? 

[just-under-lucid]

Fleeting Memory

... I’ve done a lot of things I really shouldn’t have. Apparently it could kill me. I used to think if I hadn’t gone with Speak-As-One, if I hadn’t listened to my parents, I would have been following The Martyr. 

I’m not so sure anymore. 

There’s some truth to it. I’d still die for my friends if I had to. But If I don’t have to, I won’t. I’ll prevent their death, but I won’t cause mine. I’m too scared of it. I’m too selfish for him, really. Maybe when I first got here I wouldn’t have been, but now? Now that I’ve seen everything? 

I just want everyone to stop fighting, one way or another.