“Growing is the most important and essential endeavor that a human being can undertake. You can make money, you can be promoted or demoted in the world. Never, at any stage, is there certainty about what will happen to you in this life. However, there is one thing nobody can ever take away from you-the growth you attain through your own search for Self-knowledge. Furthermore, this growth and understanding become the foundation that sustains you through any and all worldly difficulties, and that allows you-whatever the form of your physical experience- to find in life a continuously unbroken flow of total well-being.”
— Swami Chetanananda
Over the past few months I’ve been finding quotes and reading snippets in books that feel like they were purposely put before me, right at this moment. Pretty soon, I’ll be heading out on a journey by foot that will probably take me a couple of months (post coming soon). To many, it looks like I’m “putting my life on hold” and taking a vacation from my responsibilities, but really it’s quite the opposite. Living fully and exploring our relationship with ourselves, especially at the impressionable age of 20, builds the foundation on which we stand for the rest of our lives. I want to make sure mine is solid :)
Humor me for a moment, and reflect on the people that stand out to you as you experience the sensory overload of life. Most of us will feel drawn to the girl who posts a video with a rant about something funny that happened, or the little child who screams something embarrassing to the surrounding adults and doesn’t know why the whole room fills with laughter, or the man singing his heart out in the street.
We live in a time when keeping your head down and trying to be unnoticed as possible is a totally legitimate social norm. So when someone doesn’t do that, when they express themselves openly and without fear, you can almost always find people gawking around them. The beauty is that those onlookers feel something. They feel excitement, maybe sadness, or perhaps embarrassment for the person whose joke in their stand-up comedy act just fell flat. Maybe they are overwhelmed with the beauty of the poem they just heard and they are brought to tears.
We feel so much based on the self-expression of other people, which begs the question, what do we feel about our own self-expression?
Even thinking about being noticed brings about terrible anxiety for some people. I know, because I used to be one of them. But over time, I realized that I didn’t like that constant nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to be able to laugh and keep walking if I tripped in the middle of the street, not start sweating as my face flushed red and I scurried away. I wanted to be someone that inspired the people around me, and how could I do that if I was so scared of being seen?
Over the years, I saw more and more people expressing themselves - singing, painting, modeling, dressing in a certain style, writing, debating - and I admired their confidence. And over more time, I realized that even the most confident people have their insecurities. They simply are aware enough of them to stop letting those insecurities dominate their lives.
Everybody loves to watch someone be genuine, and real - whether it’s in person or behind a computer screen. It’s incredible to watch how many people rise to some odd level of fame just through sharing themselves and their lives on social media. And I think it’s amazing. Most of the “insta-famous,” etc. type of characters are only so because of their physical beauty or wealth, but some do simply share laughter and new perspective across the airwaves.
I would like to encourage everyone to express themselves. Next time you see someone else doing it, think, “Am I really any different from them? Look at how people are drawn to them, just because they’re genuine - who says I can’t do that?”
The world is filled with too many lonely people. And I’m afraid we’ve done it to ourselves. Each of us is such a gem with SO much potential but we need energy and support to grow! I encourage everyone out there to spend a little more conscious time connecting with their community and stepping out of their comfort zone. You’d be amazed how much bigger that “zone” gets once you begin to color outside the lines... :)
I used to write these reflections often on my IG - many of you follow me from that time, during my treatment, when I shared quite often, and a lot. But then I went dark for a while, and lately I’ve been reflecting on the reason for that!
(Please remember, my writing might sound sad or resentful, but in reality, I smile as I write this because it brings great peace to understand why we feel and behave the way we do. These are simply my observations.)
I hit a point where I lost myself entirely, lost most of my belief in myself and remained as numb as I could because I couldn't handle the guilt of letting myself down. I didn't know if I would ever come back from it, and I didn't really care at the time! Finishing cancer treatment felt like starting from square 1, and I suppose I couldn't handle it. It's much less painful to just not try, than to try and fail. Haven’t we all felt this way at one point or another?
I’m sharing this today because I’ve realized from comments and messages that to many following my journey via internet, I may seem overwhelmingly cheerful and positive. But we forget that most of the time, what people share on the internet is just the highlight reel. To anyone who feels disappointed in themselves for repeatedly "failing" to achieve their goals, for making decisions that you know are harmful - please just know that you're far from alone. I am all too familiar with the feeling that you've run out of places to turn and that the only thing you are capable of doing is giving up. From one human being to another....even though it sounds cheesy as hell- never stop trying, because once you lose hope everything else follows, and that's a scary feeling even for the strongest of us.
Don't let yourself be suffocated by the weight of your “mistakes”! Let yourself "fail" and accept all of your mistakes as necessary catalysts of your growth. Love yourself for having the awareness to see that. If you feel lost, reach out for help - even if it's to someone you've never met or will never meet. It's amazing how just thinking out loud to someone who can listen without judgement (sometimes it's easiest to talk to a stranger, or write essays on tumblr) can relieve so much tension from our hearts and minds.
Opportunity is all around us - all it takes is for you to see it waiting patiently there for you. Baby steps. You can "fail" as many times as you need - you only need to get up once. Do whatever it takes to learn what makes you truly happy and then get it. You deserve it, you can do it and don't ever let the voices in your head convince you differently.
And know that there are days that I can’t even follow my own advice. My goal isn’t to be perfect, it’s just to let the good days outnumber the not-so-good ones!
I will always love the quiet of being surrounded by mountains and trees, the gentle familiarity that is so characteristic of small towns.
But I will always have a special kind of love for the Bay Area...
Where conversations are interrupted by the sound of planes flying close overhead to land...
Where you can find the innovative 9 to 5 businessman who leaves his work at the office, or the independent artisan whose work is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, sharing their creativity with the world. The Bay Area is the birthplace of the SUSHIRRITO! What?! Only here could you find such an awesome fusion of Asian and Hispanic cultures. A gold mine of material for cultural anthropology majors ;-)
For some people this is a nightmare. But like everything else in the world, in its chaos it has incredible beauty. We just have to learn to open our eyes to see it.
The Bay Area is constantly creating; a finely oiled machine whose power comes from the incredible diversity within it. So much LIFE so much NOVELTY and MOVEMENT ... moving the world forward. I feel SO blessed to be here and SO lucky to have grown up in a place where I was exposed to so many of the infinite faces of life.
Especially after living in Oklahoma for 3 yrs... I remember being so amazed at how stagnant and suffocated the culture there was. Little came in or out. It had its own beauty to it and I had wonderful friends, but as a whole, my impression was that the culture there shuns diversity and fears what they don't understand. Power there comes from money, tans, and physical beauty - not individuality.
Thank you universe (and mama and papa) for giving me the gift of the Bay. It will forever be my home. Besides let's not forget all the great rappers that are from here ... #BigMrestinpeace #andrenickatina #macdre #thejacka #berner #tupac #andmanymore
"Smile, breathe, and go slowly." - Thich Nhat Hanh
In January I bought myself a 12-month wall calendar, with each month featuring a quote from my favorite teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh. When I flipped the page yesterday, this was the quote for October.
Today, while reading Buddhist texts (I've been reading about the mindfulness trainings) I came across an article and the very first thing written was the quote, "Smile, breathe, and go slowly."
I'm definitely the type to smile and hold some meaning to these kind of coincidences, especially after the emotional turbulence I've experienced the last few days.
It's a concept I've been mulling over this week - that our thoughts are literally nothing more than thoughts; passing waves on a beach. Strong one moment, gone the next. As we learn to be aware of their coming and going, we begin to truly understand them, and thus begin to understand the true causes of our emotions. True awareness. And only once we uncover such awareness can we find peace within ourselves.
Edit: it's a few days later, I read an excerpt this morning from Yogis Anonymous and thought it was appropriate to add -
"You are not your thoughts, and you are not your feelings. You are you; your thoughts and feelings come and go. Some of them are wonderful and inspiring, and hopefully you act on those. Some of them are untrue and unkind, and those are the ones best left to arise, peak, and subside. Witnessing your experience is always a powerful way to be in tune with how things are for you from moment to moment. Not every feeling deserves your energy. You don't have to believe everything you think, as the saying goes, nor must you act on every feeling you have."
You don't have to be horrified by your thoughts, you just want to observe them, and choose the ones that strengthen and nurture you, and take into account the feelings of those you love.
Moral of the story is to lighten up a little, remember to always step back and look at the bigger picture. Breathe and smile. :-)
Thank you, Thich Nhat Hanh, for always making me think twice.
Cancer has given me so many gifts. I have learned so much about myself and about the world as a result of my diagnosis. I have healed so many parts of myself that were broken long before my diagnosis, and I fear would have been broken for much longer had I not gotten sick. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and this massive 9-inch tumor that grew around my heart and lungs was no mistake. It was a physical manifestation of the darkness in my mind that had been making me bleed for so many years now. And without the cancer, I may have waited many years before finding the strength to close that wound and heal myself.
One of the things I learned was the importance of community. All my life I had built this strong armor around myself. I convinced myself didn’t need or want anyone’s help. This came crashing to the ground so fast after I got sick, that it truly surprised me to see how diligently and forcefully I had kept this guard up. The nurses in the infusion center have become like family to me, and some days their smiles almost bring me to tears. The people I meet at Cancer CarePoint were, for a few weeks, the only reason I would get up in the morning. Once I let my guard down and talked to these people, let them help me, it was as if someone touched a part of my heart that had never been touched before. These were total strangers – nurses and fellow cancer patients. Today, they are everything to me.
Something as simple as eye contact, a smile, and a hand on my shoulder made me feel seen, and safe. It made me feel that I mattered in this person’s life, for just one moment, on just this day. And because of that, I went through the rest of my day feeling empowered, like I was important and unique and like the world wouldn't be the same without me here.
Hearing the stories of people you don't know is just awesome. No matter what the story is, it broadens our eunderstanding of the world that much more - and that is why community is so important to me now. Every single one of us is unique - why not do our best to be curious and to connect with as many genuine, wonderful people as we can?
I was going to travel locally, hike a lot, immerse myself in my yoga practice, continue volunteering for the Audubon Society, and dedicate a lot more time to modeling while I still had time before school. I was going to go to Six Flags! Most importantly, I was going to work to save up my money, and prepare myself to go back to school in the fall.
On June 2nd, my doctor pointed to the mass covering my left ribcage and said, “that’s not supposed to be there.”
Since then, almost three months have flown by. Although I was astonishingly oblivious to it at the time, for the first month and a half after the diagnosis, I was more depressed, anxious, and unlike myself than I had ever been in my life. After a while I took a step back and took a good, long look at my life. That part alone took a few weeks. I realized that all the problems I had before the cancer had been magnified and amplified to one hundred times their original strength. They had completely taken over my life. I couldn’t leave my house without having a panic attack or a suicidal thought. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
The real sickness was not the tumor – that was only a side effect. The real sickness was in my mind, a deep sadness carefully incubated since my childhood. Because of certain conditions under which I was raised, I never developed the ability to love myself. Someone else had to do it for me. And, as such things do, this sadness manifested in the form of behavioral and thought patterns. The best way that I can explain these is to say that I lived my life with a deep, deep unconscious fear. No decision I made was ever the right one. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I never finished a book, because I felt I wasn’t focusing enough when I read. I eventually dropped every hobby I ever started, because my subconscious realized there were others who were better than me, and I could never be as good as them. I was so afraid of failure that I could not take any forward steps. Everything I did was sabotaged by this nasty demon who sat inside me and shot down any love towards myself that I managed to muster. The worst kind of self-sabotage.
Anyways - it was at this time that I decided I was tired of living this way. I was tired of feeling afraid, sad, insecure, lonely, and worthless. I had been aware of these feelings for years, but now the circumstances had changed. One day I literally decided that enough was enough; I knew that the only way for my life to continue would be under the warm embrace of my own heart. I knew that unless I used this 6 months to heal myself spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally, the cancer may have gone but there would still be a tumor killing me from the inside.
And so, I dedicated my life to what is essentially a pursuit of happiness, though I do not pursue, I simply am. Happiness is a choice, and I will stand by that statement till my last breath.
I meditate daily, go outside as often as I can, I read my books, practice as much yoga as possible, and I try my best to eat healthy, although I won’t deny my sugar addiction. I go to Yoga for Cancer classes, and I am involved with a local nonprofit cancer support organization. I go to meetings and nutrition classes for cancer. I meet cancer survivors and patients there, mostly women. I uphold promises I make to people, and greet every person with love and compassion.
But the most important change I made is to the way I think. With everything I do, there is that demon that wants to sabotage it with something negative; some fear. I am aware of this, and I consciously counteract that negative feeling or thought. AND IT WORKS! I am able to understand things as they truly are, instead of how my mind paints them to be. Instead of getting sucked into a downward spiral, I breathe, ventilate, and return my awareness with the present moment. I am able to go out into the world and DO things. Essentially what I’m doing is training my mind, reversing the thought patterns that repeatedly lead me to depression. It's little more than playing with awareness. There is simply no room in my life for self-sabotage or negativity anymore. All I truly want is to be the best version of myself that I can be, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one around with this goal.
I didn’t kill the little demon who says I’ll never be good enough. I simply listened to her, understood where she came from, and saw that what she says is not the truth. That little demon will always be with me, and she will be part of my strength, for she no longer controls me. Instead of anchoring myself in the demon, I have anchored myself in reality, in the present moment. I have given myself to my spiritual practice, and it is saving my life. I study tong-len, mindfulness meditation, and loving-kindness meditation. I am training my mind to reflect the strength and light that is inside me – inside all of us.
I still have over 3 months of chemotherapy left, and I’m far from finished with all my “problems.” But I can feel that my life is beginning to change in a big way. There have been many before me that have embarked on this path to enlightenment, and I certainly won’t be the last. But I’m going to document my journey in the hopes that someone who is lost, like I have been for so long, can maybe find their way.
The moral of the story is this: If there's something about your life that you don't like, if you find yourself feeling lost or unhappy, dedicate yourself to understanding that feeling. Then, become aware of the present moment, and DO the things that make you happy. That's the most important.
After all, when it comes to being the best version of yourself that you possibly can be, there's no moment like the present moment. :-)
Most of you that know me, know to spell my name one of two ways - Sonja, or Sonya.
Allow me to explain how this came to be.
I was born Sonya Sokolsky, no middle name (common for children of Russian immigrants). The past two years for me have been somewhat transformative for me, and my modeling career began to take off during this time as well.
I decided about 6 months ago that I would start using the 'J' spelling on all social media and modeling gigs going forward, as well as introducing myself as Sonja to any new friends or connections I made. Why?
Well, the idea was that I was going to shed Sonya, leave behind her bad qualities, and become reborn as Sonja of my own making, a stronger version, like a phoenix shaking off the ashes that used to be its skin.
But then I got diagnosed with cancer - about a month ago.
This past month has been the most transformative of them yet. But more importantly, I have uncovered parts of my mind that I thought had been laid to rest forever. I feel that I, more than ever before, see things as they truly are. And I've realized ... My name is not who I am. It's not "me" - it's simply something by which people call "me". You see?
So, it then becomes silly to presume that a change of name should be connected so strongly to a change of mind. In fact, it could be argued that the idea that they should actually contradicts the change of mind.
So I am writing this post to lay this debate to rest, once and for all. My name is Sonya. I am so sorry to have confused all of you, as badly as I have confused myself. But let's raise a glass to moving forward, not while trying to become somebody else, but while being the best version of ourselves that we may possibly be.
My name is Sonya Sokolsky. I will continue to use the J spelling for things like my Instagram and for modeling purposes, because I want to keep such public affairs at least a little bit separate from my more personal life. But for all intents and purposes, my friends, please call me Sonya :)
