#sorryformyvent

[yisunalundhoro]

OoC vomit.

Writers block is a hard, hard thing. I've had over a month of it. It sucks. I used to love creating plot lines, stories and DM'ing scenarios; but lately it has been really hard just to want to get online to play with people. I feel like my ideas are lame, lacking and are lack-luster making them uninteresting. I moved from one game to a new one because of some OoC problems, and a break from what I feel was unfair and rude conduct paired with real life problems.

I lost alot of 'friends' in that process because I couldn't keep up with the demands they wanted in the guild I was an officer in...which doesnt really make them friends since they've not spoken to me upon leaving their officer staff. It's a bad feeling and I haven't been able to really get rid of the feeling that has settled on my shoulders. The last conversation basically laid blame on me for leaving, that I had issues with members and that my friendship was lost to these individuals. Which, wasnt the issue, at all. Even after going and explaining my -personal- issues it was still like I had a problem with the guild, the guild leader, and not that my rl problems were not to blame for my feelings. I was immediatly ostracized from those I had played with for -years-. It wasnt just casual gaming, or been around for a few weeks. I had been friends with them, met them in real life and had a 'frindship' with them, only to feel it necessary to leave for my own reasons and be ignored or just no longer part of this social group.I didnt do anything wrong, but it was made out that I had and it certainly has stuck. You are part of the guild or you're not, is the basic premise.

I feel self-conscious, guilt trippy asking for rp and posts, and like Im not really doing anyone justice when I return responses or try to set up scenarios. I'm having doubts on what scenarios to create for my characters stories and backgrounds. I hate to ask if something is okay, or bothersome when I want responses or feedback. Ive deleted a few of my IC posts thinking they wernt suitable or good. BLEGH. It's been a battle to try and get myself back into a chipper state to do things. It's made writting hard, and its something I have an adoration for, and it hurts to not be able to do it. I usually don't do OoC vomits like this, and Im sorry, but I feel terrible venting it on individuals because its not their fault, I don't want it feel like it's their fault at all. I just need to get it off my chest because I just want to start writting stories again, giving good posts and responses. I JUST WANT TO GIVE GOOD RP, and stop feeling inadequate and small. I want to give responses and interactions that make people excited to interact with my characters again. Or just excited that I'm around. Its partially my fault and I gotta get over my slump.

Thanks for reading my vent. Have a hedgehog. ♡♡♡

[tangerinetiger]

i cant stop crying. i want you back even though i know its bad for me. i just want the forehead kisses, the laughs, the late night facetimes, the after work calls, the cute post it notes, the workouts when we'd both motivate each other, the nights where we'd sit in your jeep and just talk one-on-one, i miss surprising you at your work and your eyes would just light up, i miss the hugs when youd pick me up and id wrap myself around you, i miss when we'd play basketball and you'd always play harder on me because you knew i could do better, i miss crying into your shoulder and youd rub my back and kiss my cheek and say everythings going to be alright, i miss your voice and how you'd use a goofy voice if you knew i needed cheering up. even though a lot of our relationship was rough, i just miss the moments that we shared that were perfect. you were the one person that i truly ever loved, and the first person that i've ever said "i love you" too, and the first person that i've truly given my all too, and it breaks my heart. im broken and i dont know what to do. i just want you. but i cant have you, im sure youve already moved on. my hearts shattered and i just ugh. :-( i cant stop crying. help.