#sorryfortherambling

[earlyoctober]

went out on cherokee street last night with caleb and a couple of his stl skating friends (both named brian). also awkwardly ran into a dude who asked me to go on a valentine’s day date with him back in february, which i turned down. but overall, it was a good time. it was nice out but still raining a little. as caleb and i were walking back to my car at like 1:30 am, he goes “i want to say something but i don’t want to make you sad.” which at first i was like “..then don’t tell me, damn.” but my curiosity got the better of me, of course. so he preceded to tell me how being around me and watching how i interact with people is literally so much like being around skyler, he was having a hard time processing it. he said all of our quirks and mannerisms are so aligned, we are literally mirrors of each other. which is not actually news to me. skyler and i have acknowledged many times before that we basically share a brain. it was just weird to hear it out of someone else’s mouth. but we also had a very affirming and heartfelt conversation about love and friendship and how far we’ve come over the last ten years. everything has changed but the important things still remain and i’m thankful for that.

[heyitsgraceagain]

Howdy #instafrenz! I realized I never posted my #MegaMiniMonsterMash #gallery pieces here so here you go! #sunandmoon You can get a better look at the full pieces on my website (heyitsgrace.com). And since #November will be another crazy busy month I won’t be able to do a #dailydrawing theme. But I hope you’ll still stay with me as I post #art and #doodles as often as I can. Lastly... #DesignerCon2017 is less than 2 weeks awayyyy!!! Come find me and my lovely booth buddy @_dianaroberts at booth 925! (PS I totally forgot that #Instagram still crops multiple image posts into squares. Too lazy to reformat. 😭) . . . #longpostislong #sorryfortherambling #artistsofinstagram #graceleart #shamelesspromo #butitskindathepoint

[shecries-shedies]

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT MORNING RANT

To start if someone's up they should fuckin message me 💕 cause like everyone passed out on me and I'm way to high to sleep rn. But god to continue this rant, I fucking hate you. So much. Because I realized so much tonight, from so many people and so many little things and I don't know if it's the blow but my mind is so clear right now. When you love someone you put in effort and you find the way to see them or talk to them, it doesn't matter if you're lonely or upset, or whatever, they're still the only person you should want to turn too and the only person you need. I deserve to have that person and I'm gunna find someone who loves me that way, because it may not be this guy or the next but I'm sick of fucking waiting and watching and tearing myself down, when in reality, I know I didn't fuck it up, you just couldn't fight for me, not because of distance or what not. Because you didn't care enough to want too. And I'm gunna find that way who will, and I know I'll probably still end up bawling over you 10000 more times, and this is probably a momentary lapse in judgment, but I want to feel loved again. And people can care about me and want to flaunt me like u do her. And some guy will put in the effort that you failed to lack. And some guy will FUCKING go the distance for me cause I'm worth it. Because you moved on from me. And I can't keep waiting for you to knock on my window at 1 am cause you won't. I need to be loved too cause god forbid if I ever get another text from you, you don't mean a single god DAMN word. But seriously is someone's up it's almost 4 am message me cause this chick can't sleep

[mixedtapegrl]

This is it..

Once your out of my life..your out. I wish I can be a grown up about this and say I wish you happiness, but I'm still in the Fuck you stage, you really didn't care for me that much? Not willing to fight for me because of your past relationships? well all i can tell you is that you will never learn, because you refuse to change. This will happen to you again. and just cux you tell the person this has happened to you before, maybe its a sign youre doing something wrong. NOT the girl.. Ever consider that? You wonder why life deals you these wrong cards? cux your a fucked up person. You're deservant of the wrong in your life because youre immature and you take things for granted. You used me and took me for granted. You need to grow up dude, cux I may have gone completely jealous and crazy and pushed you away.. but the facts are these: There was a reason why you flirted with her and gave into her attention and pushed me aside. Not enough for you? you weren't enough for me.. I wanted more. You didn't even treat me like a girlfriend, and I wasnt suppose to be insecure about this? Really?? wow.. If you had a problem with me why didnt you say something? Were you really that happy/complacent with me that you felt like talking to this girl was right? And now your blocking me.. why? If im out of your life, why the fuck would you care if I saw how you were living now? Because it would prove that youre a liar and youre with her? Or are you not trying to hurt me? I dont even fucking know how you found me on IG when I blocked ur new profile.. What's the point if im nothing in your life? You blocking me just showed me you care about me finding out about your life. I hope that you tried looking for me on IG and saw that I BLOCKED YOU first and that i knew about your new profile, started the day before I broke up with you.. If that's not sketch, I dont know what is. 

I want to be selfish and scream and cry about how much this hurts me. It's so easy to blame the other person, but the fact is, we both fucked up. I just wish you could own up to your lie but that's something I'm never going to get out of you, and i should accept that. I reallly dont know why it's so hard letting you go, and being obsessed with you. Maybe because you rejected me in the end. and I cant bare the fact that you might be moving on and be happy and your forgetting about me, like the past 6 months i wasnt even there. sigh. If you really wanted me, youd be with me..  I MUST GET THAT THROUGH MY HEAD!! and here I am feeling all sad and shit when you feel absolutely nothing. I hope that one day you feel the pain of losing me. I hope that everything reminds you of me. Its tough now.. but I'll get over it. 

[theilluminoopy]

So I never do these kind of personal things, but I just really need to get my emotions out somewhere and I mean that's what blogs are for, right? Except I'm pretty sure most of my followers don't think I'm a real person. I'm just this robot that reblogs gifs of cats and pokemon that has a pretty fabulous sense of humor which is actually a pretty accurate description of me so you just keep doing you okay. But then there's the 5% of my followers who actually know me in real life granted most of them live in Alaska but still. So I'm sorry if you find out things about me that I haven't told you and stuff? okay here we go.

So I don't even know how to start this off because like what even are emotions. If I had started writing this blog earlier I would've probably been more coherent but instead I distracted myself with youtube and tumblr like usual so now my emotions are all nestled up inside me like cuddling and petting my unknowing heart just waiting for the perfect moment to just stab it right in the pulmonary artery or something. I was really hesitant to even write this even though I haven't really said anything yet but just hold on okay I'm getting there it's a process okay. 

Essentially it just comes down to the fact that I am just ridiculously unhappy. Like, I wouldn't say I am depressed but idk. I am in college and I'm just sitting here like, "Why did everyone say these were the best years of your life because nothing about this is good." I mean I have my friends but I don't feel like I have any close friends, I guess? Like friends that I could go to and just literally puke my feelings all over their shoes and them just be like, "Yeah, I'm okay with this." It's more like, "I understand you aren't feeling okay but get the fuck away from me are u srs u just barfed on my shoes but pls get better but no srsly go away." I'm sure that's just me but yeah. I'm just really lonely. Like really lonely. I want to go home and be done with this semester and just watch awful horror movies on netflix with my family and go to bed with my dogs and be comfy and safe and peaceful. Instead I feel like a failure and hopeless and worthless. 

The weather today really described how I felt. It was like nature was like, "nah, i gotchu gurl i no dem feels u feelin." But like, it's been overcast and raining on and off and finally tonight it started misting/drizzly steadily. It's like the sky has been trying to cry all day. Like it's been storing up for this huge storm of torrential rain. But it only ended in a drizzle. Since this morning, I've just wanted to break down and cry and just let everyone know my raw emotion and that when I tell them "I want to die" or "I hate my life" that the joking tone in my voice isn't really joking. And I'm not about to end my life but, just like the rain, all of this pent up emotion just ends in a whisper. It ends in that pain in your head from wanting to cry all day but not being able to. It ends with me climbing into bed with all of these negative emotions sitting in my belly warming and swirling around giving me the false notion that everything is okay when in reality I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. 

I don't want to tell my parents because I don't want them worrying about me and I know my mother would feel absolutely terrible and would probably actually, no yeah she would legitimately cry. So there's that. And I absolutely love my roommate but she does not know how to emotion. And I don't have a boyfriend to go crying to so I'm just like oh hey there tumblr lemme holla at chu real quick. I honestly feel pathetic. It's so silly though because this morning should've been good. I got a test back for one of my classes and I got a much MUCH higher grade on it than I would've ever dreamed, but like it didn't even really improve my mood. I tried to make it or force myself to feel better because I knew logically that it should've but it didn't at all. 

I just want to help people. That's it. I would love to become a doctor and help save lives and be able to show my compassion for people and just go around and doctor everyone and fix people and love them. And that's why I'm here in college. And that's what keeps me going. But it's like college is a means to an end and I hate that it is like that. It's not like, "Oh today I'm feeling pretty demotivated. But I'll just look to the future and to my dreams so that I will push forward!" No, it's like everyday its a constant battle to do school and recently even life in general. And then I think well maybe I'm just being a little pussy bitch and people have it way harder than me so get your shit together Courtney you dumb slut. So idk. It goes either way on how I feel. It's like the worst kind of fucking emotional rollar coaster I could think of. And the worst part is that it's all in my own head. No one is doing this to me besides myself. So then I just feel insane. I wish I could enjoy college. I wish that I actually loved life right now. Or at least liked it a little bit? I wish that I didn't have to stress out over every little thing. I wish I didn't feel like I have to be perfect at everything or else I can't succeed. I just. I just hate this. So damn much.

I have no motivation to do any kind of school anymore. Which is really, really bad because I'm like failing two of my classes that account of like 70% of my hours for this semester. And last semester I had a not-so-hot GPR and I am on honors probation and essentially just the entire #whitegirlprobs #firstworldprobs but like it's still awful. Because these problems are real to me. Perspective is reality and this is my reality. 

I think I'm done. I'm sorry for the run on sentences and bad grammar but I'm a math major so I don't need that shit no mo'. haters gonna hate. Anyways, if you have made it this far then seriously you are a wonderful person and I hope you have an absolutely fantastic rest of your night/evening/day. Hopefully, I will just get over myself and I won't have to post one of these god awful things for a while. okey bye now.