"Not your Strongest Soldier."
Fighting every battle we had is hard. Facing and winning it means you're strong and that's the kind of mentality people inflicted within me. I was once a proud individual. Facing every challenge and battles I had with a confident front and ending it every time with a smile.
But what if-
I can't do it the same anymore?
What if the front I've put up is slowly being chipped away by doubts, shame, and guilt?
What if I'm succumbing to those negative thoughts lately?
I am too proud for this. I was too proud for this.
I can feel I failed everyone around me the moment I lost another battle within me.
I can feel their disappointment.
But do you know what hurts the most?
I can feel I failed myself.
I can feel my disappointment.
I too am starting to hate myself.
That's when I started questioning myself.
"Why can I do this like I've used to?" "I used to be so good with this, why can't I do it anymore? Why? Why?"
Then the green eyed monster locked its eyes on me.
"How can she beat me in this?" "Why does it look effortless with her?" "Why her?"
These thoughts of mine are my losing battle.
I am sorry.
This soldier is not as strong as she used to be.
I am sorry.
This soldier can't wield her sword properly and fight again and again.
I am sorry.
This soldier can't shield herself like she used to.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
Lord, can you please remove me from your strong soldiers list?
Because this soldier thinks she can't win against this battle anymore.