10 Important Points I Learned During the State of the Union Address...
It is the beginning of a new week and, at least for me, last week was quite interesting, with hype of the Grammys and other events. The one event that I have decided to provide reflection on is the massively disappointing State of the Union address made by President Trump. Here are some things I realized after forcing myself to suffer through it -
#1 - If you took nothing else from D. Trump’s speech, you should have AT LEAST gotten this - MS-13 is out to get our asses! All of us.
If you didn’t know how to racially profile, you should be an expert after sitting through Trump’s mischaracterization of Latino immigrants as machete-welding, barbaric fools. If Orange is the New Black, then MS-13 is the new ISIS. Hide your wife, your kids, the dog AND the termites. As tragic and horrific the heartless murder of the young girls in New York City (which was grossly exploited) was, it was messed up how he took that to make the most fucked up generalization in American history. I don’t know why the parents didn’t dish out a ‘Bitch please!’ when they were invited to be the token colored folks for the night. Only a sociopath could shamelessly capitalize off of the pain of parents who lost their children in such a manner. He took an extreme end of social misfits and labeled everybody names Julio and Carmelita MS-13 members and affiliates. Every Latino in the room should have pulled some Eminem Slim Shady shit and randomly jumped up and yelled “I’m MS-13! I’m MS-13! I’m MS-13!” Well, here is a suggestion for next time. Y’all welcome.
#2 - Hell hath no fury like a group of bold Negroes scorned...
The Congressional Black Caucus took their chill and put it in storage before going to Capitol Hill. They came in there donning black and kente cloth and were not here for Donald’s SHIT! How do you walk up in the State of the Union address and make your own A.M.E. section? Like THAT, that’s how! Not only did they come in deep and bold, but sat through the entire speech with a unified resting bitch face. They looked like they were at choir rehearsal and the choir director was, yet again, 45 minutes late. You even got the two brothers in the back who look like they are getting ready to grab the offering plates from underneath the pew, walk to the front and make ER’BODY march around row by row. If you ain’t got no money, walk ya ass around anyway and touch the plate!! They sat through Trump’s speech looking like they were at a homegoing service that was going onto the 5th hour. Chiiild, high schoolers suffering through in-school suspension had more joy than this clan. The Congressional Black Caucus should get an NAACP Image Award just for this - just create a Petty category and give them all a plaque!
#3 Nancy Pelosi could’ve had a V8
Missionary Pelosi was looking like she was contemplating getting up and whooping her own ass for skipping game night with the grandkids to sit through that BULL-shit! Hell, I need to have a stroke AND plastic surgery to twist my lips that far to the left. Damn! With every word, her lips got closer to her ear. I swear I heard her thoughts - ‘should I yell fire or nah?’. She will make it her duty to burn the next invitation to this event.
#4 - There actually is NOT a limit to the number of people you could call out. Who knew?
YOU GET A SHOUT OUT! YOU GET A SHOUT OUT! YOU GET A SHOUT OUT! YOU GET A SHOUT OUT!
Trump called on everybody but Putin and Omarosa. I think he gets a record for the most recognitions given at a State of the Union speech. His shout outs stretched longer than a Baptist testimony service. Hell, I thought he was going to call ME out for rescuing my damn Jack Russell. He was aware that his intellectual span only went so far and came up with hella fillers. He gave a shout out to the milkman, his cocaine dealer and his hair stylist (he still has yet to fire). #iswear
#5 - Melania needs an intervention
Mrs. Trump looked so miserable (as always), I wanted to fly to DC just to embrace her. She made winter white look stone cold BLACK. She looked like she was mad at the LAWD for not killing her in her sleep like she asked him to. If America had a Hunger Game, she would offer herself as tribute rather than lay next to that squirrel-headed fucktard another night. She wants America to know that THIS is not what she signed up for. Somebody should have asked her “Ma’am are you in danger? Blink once for no and twice for yes”. She is mad at herself for obviously not putting a high enough dosage of ‘that shit’ in Donald’s drink last night. She went from Melania to Melancholy in 0 to 60. Lawd, let me email Plastic Barbie FLOTUS name to the sick and shut in list.
#6 - The Omen franchise was actually based on a true story...
...and Trump proves it every time he takes a breath. The way he straight dissed every Mexican on the planet, gave a blatant ‘fuck you’ to Dreamers with that disrespectful ass ‘Americans are dreamers, too’ line, and made a poor attempt to confiscate credit for shit that was set in motion during 44′s tenure....he needs his ass whooped. You can’t tell me as a young boy he didn’t have a protective, mean looking ass old lady babysitting him, with two Dobermans close at all times. Probably why Melania is always holding a facial expression that maker her look like Scary Nun from The Conjuring 2. Gat damn.
#7 - Roe vs. Wade was a day late and a dollar short
Scroll back to 1947 and we are wondering - where was some oxytocin and a suction pup when humanity needed one? Somebody should have made this heffa a big ass cup of pennyroyal tea and told her it was to help her relax. If only I could get in a time machine and whip her up a misoprostol milkshake. Shit. Oh how much better off the world would have been had she swallowed or took a coat hanger in a back alley. Rosemary’s great-auntie should have ran an intervention for humanity’s sake. How could you FEEL the evil brewing in your womb? She had to! Trump has got to be the best version of a walking ProChoice advertisement I have ever seen. Just a straight up evolutionary mishap. https://encrypted-tbn0..com/images?back to 1947 and we are wondering - where was some oxytocin and a suction pup when humanity needed one? Somebody should have made this heffa a big ass cup of pennyroyal tea and told her it was to help her relax. If only I could get in a time machine and whip her up a misoprostol milkshake. Shit. Oh how much better off the world would have been had she swallowed or took a coat hanger in a back alley. Rosemary’s great-auntie should have ran an intervention for humanity’s sake. How could you FEEL the evil brewing in your womb? She had to! Trump has got to be the best version of a walking ProChoice advertisement I have ever seen. Just a straight up evolutionary mishap.
#8 - When it comes to ‘chain migration’, Donald Trump is the weakest link
It was so interesting to see Donald Trump talk about ‘chain migration’. He is going to stop everyone from coming to America and signing on their baby daddy’s mother’s cousin to come along, too. How dare he when he is the culprit of chain migration? Lest he forget how wonderful his practice of chain migration made his bedroom? If chain migration was banned as a practice in America, Marla Maples would have been his only wife. This fool shopped for wives in the Czech and Slavonia. He was like Eddie Murphy on Coming to America and just spun a damn toy globe and went and found a chick wherever his finger landed. The only thing more diverse than this man’s offspring is Josephine Baker’s Rainbow Tribe. #shit
#9 - Joe Kennedy is the redheaded-Bobby-Kennedy-reincarnate-this-is-yo-grandaddy version of WOKE bae
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the LAWD....and it was RED. Just when you thought there were no more Kennedys left, good ole Joe jumps up out of the woodworks. He delivered a State of the Union response in the form of a Call to Action. The Bobby Kennedy reincarnate spoke in the spirit of his grandfather and great uncle, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, leaving everyone to ask what they could do to make America a better place for everyone living in it and not just those prospering from it. He was speaking so much truth the corner of his mouth was shining and flickering from the glitter spewing from it. Let Joe and his chapstick BE! At least he can run a comb to the left AND the right through the crown of his head without revealing an orange-stained alopecia patch. Right on Joe!
#10 - Do NOT come for Mother Maxine unless she calls for you
I saved the best for last! Ooooh I could not step away from this keyboard without giving honor where it is DUE - Reverend Mother 43rd District Missionary MAXINE WATERS! I looked for her response to the State of the Union the way an addict waits for her dealer to restock. In an interview, she expressed that a parental advisory should have been implemented during Trump’s address. She probably would have played an NWA album at her grandchild’s birthday party before allowing them to hear one word uttered from Cheeto Satan himself. During an interview on BET, she was raw (as always) on her thoughts about President Trump. In the spirit of you-ain’t-shit-and-ain’t-gone-never-BE-shit-just-like-yo-daddy, she described Trump as unpresidential and stated that he will NEVER be presidential. Mother Waters doesn’t hide her disdain for Trump and the passiveness about the rollback of civil rights and the surrounding entities that wish to take America back to the days of Mississippi Burning. I wouldn’t be surprised if she paid for UberBLACK rides for everybody who sat in the Congressional Black Caucus section. I swear! When it comes to expressing her sentiments on Trump and how much of a screwball he is, Waters holds back just about as much as a nympho on the third floor of a brothel. She’ll be damned if alt-rights and the good old boy club is going to just march up on Capitol Hill without aggressive resistance. Oh, her revolution will televised dammit! She is the grandmother who will make you pick your own switch off of one of them cherry blossom trees AND the woman who is well-versed and poised enough to navigate the ranks of Capitol Hill with utter defiance - all wrapped up in one. Chiiiiild, she must have made Nancy Pelosi stay over the night before to practice that resting bitch face she perfected so well. She will walk in a room and figuratively slap everyone into next Wednesday if that is what it takes to protect the interests of the disadvantaged, underserved and other population Trump attempts to negate. Maxine Waters is GOALS. I am going to hang her picture on my living room wall and pretend she is my long lost Fass Auntie.
