there it is . her brain screams that she should've expected it , that good things never last , but the scream is caught in her throat that feels so tight , as if there is an invisible hand clenching it . time stops for a moment as she paralyzes , the uneasy cold spreading across her body . she's so stupid , always taking the tiniest of things and picturing them so much larger , so much more important . is that what she did with fezco ? every conversation , every car ride around town late at night , every text and call , every touch , was it all just her brain taking it out of proportion ? for once she thought she found someone who could understand her or at least try . see her , hear her . was she so desperate for that recognition that she had imagined it ? was she pushing too far ? asking for too much ?
he doesn't want to see her . pain comes as an avalanche that she is trying to hold in . how many times has she swallowed the hurt whole and put on a mask of indifference ? she tries to muster all her calm and composure but her whole body is betraying her so she crosses her arms above her chest so he won't see her hands are trembling slightly and so she can give some protection and comfort to her now shell of a heart . how can she be mourning the presence of someone she never really had ? foolish girl , how many times will she offer her heart up to be broken ? soon enough she won't have any bit of it left . she gives and gives and keeps on giving because it's all she knows , it's how life made her and no matter how many times she rebuilds herself , no matter how many times others make her fall , she never learns to stop giving , stop trusting . it's about time she learnt her lesson . ( but isn't it so sad to give up on kindness and trust ? is it really living if all hope is lost ? )
she licks her lips nervously , trying to find her voice somewhere within the mess , hoping it won't come out as weak as she feels . " is that what you want ? " and she doesn't want the tears to come , not there and then but she can feel them on the edge of falling as she raises her gaze to meet his eyes . if he's doing this he'll have to look her in the face as he does it , she won't accept it any other way . " because if it is i'll leave right now and you'll never have to see me again . " she's a girl of her word and she knows better than to stay where she's not wanted , has seen it happen too many times to allow herself to be in that position . she will collect what is left of her and somehow glue it back together . always misshapen , always closer to being unrecognisable with all the missing parts , always losing .
he just has to stay strong a bit longer, fuck. but how can he ? it’s like, okay, listen, it’s like he took a knife to his own chest and just stabbed himself, broke ribcage and bones and muscles until fingers could reach for his heart &. he pulled, but he’s not strong enough, he’s not strong enough to do it quickly, like a band aid &. it’s hurting, slow and tortuous. but he has to, buried his hands in his own blood for her, pierced himself through just so she can be set free. for he’s scared, he’s been fucking terrified since he beat playboy’s ass and looked into her eyes : so wide and looking at him with something like fear &. awe. FUCKED, he had been fucked and terrified since that beat of a second, like struck by lightning or some shit. because he had known right there and then, if this girl was fearless enough to seek him out, he would give in, he would just be there, wherever she said, he simply knew. it goes like this : she looked at him like she got him &. he believed her, she looked at him like he was someone &. he wanted to be everything she wanted.
see, he’s not blind to his character, not the depth of his devotion, the strength of his loyalty, has found in the softness of her words and in the sharpness of her gaze a kindred spirit. and he fell, like a fucking idiot, he’s usually so careful but he didn’t see her coming &. he fell, hard &. fast. his eyes never leaving her face, his laugh a second behind hers, and he thought he could do this, stand by her side, enjoy her warmth, a few days, a few weeks. but he can feel it, can feel in her touch, in all those texts and calls that maybe, maybe she’s carving out her own heart, ready to give it to him. but he’s not strong enough, and he’s even more terrified now because she matters too much, the thought of her being ever in danger making him nauseous, unable to stomach the idea. and so he thought, let’s break my own heart and save hers, let’s do this thing, the words sitting on his tongue for days, unable to do it until fucking custer came : they asking about mouse.
to envision his future is not complicated, it’s been the same for a decade : jail or grave. but there was never a lexi before, never a lexi that could be collateral damage, never a lexi he could ruin the life of &. her future became a priority, a future where he knew there was no place for him. so here he is, in his stupid kitchen, letting the words finally echo like a coward, unable to look in her eyes, unable to be the strong person she needs him to be. fuck, it feels like his heart is in his damn throat, an emotion building under his ribcage, a threat there somewhere. sees the way she crosses her arms, a punch to the throat, a way to protect herself from him &. he feels like a piece of shit. for this girl gave him everything good, the kindness and the smiles, the best fucking weeks of his life with her hand sometimes reaching for his, with the light of her eyes when she made him laugh.
her question makes him look, eyes full of tears finding his &. he thinks, not for the first time, that all he can do is destroy. he has killer hands, crimson covering his flesh no matter how much he scrubs. ❜ nah but, ❜ there’s always been honesty between them and call him selfish but he doesn’t want the last thing he tells her to be a fucking lie. her tears are killing him but she’s being so fucking brave and he already wants to tell her to forget about it, a bad fucking joke with his arms around her, begging for forgiveness, ❜ think it’s better for ya, lexi. ain’t good for ya, ❜ him, his life, this fucking town, none of it is good for her, he’s seen her break herself for everyone she’s ever loved, seen her put herself back together, he’s not delusional enough to think he would impact her too much, not stupid enough to give himself too much importance.
