Aphenphosmphobia, Sugamon
It’s hard to be in love when you’re terrified of being touched.
Namjoon knows that it’s ridiculous, he knows it is. He knows Yoongi isn’t going to hurt him. Even though his tongue is sharp, his touches are always gentle. He always asks first, he always takes it slow, and he always stops immediately and understands when Namjoon can’t handle it. Namjoon knows that Yoongi loves him. He knows Yoongi won’t hurt him intentionally.
But there’s always that voice at the back of Namjoon’s head. The one that tells him that one day, Yoongi will grow impatient. Either he’ll leave, or he’ll ignore Namjoon’s fears and focus on his own urges.
Namjoon doesn’t want the hands that are slowly helping him heal to be the same ones who will break his skin and watch it crumble to dust and fall between his fingers.
Sometimes the voice at the back of his head becomes increasingly louder and moves up front. It reminds Namjoon that he’s too scared to go out into public - he’s been working from home for three years now, and speaking to Yoongi online for two of them. It’s only been a few months since the two boys have started meeting each other face to face and it’s always Yoongi who makes his way to Namjoon’s apartment.
It reminds Namjoon that Yoongi has to make excuses as to why his friends haven’t met his boyfriend yet because Namjoon doesn’t want them to know that he’s too socially anxious and too scared of being touched to be able to meet them. Time and time again, Yoongi lies for him, makes up excuses, and Namjoon’s certain his friends have stopped asking.
It reminds Namjoon that he can’t do anything with Yoongi that requires the two leaving the house. They can’t go to the movies together, or out for a coffee, or out to dinner to celebrate something, or out clubbing, like normal young men would do.
It reminds Namjoon of the time Yoongi had gone out to drink with his friends one night. He’d asked Namjoon if he wanted to come along, like he always does, even though he knows what the answer will be. Namjoon had declined, as expected, and Yoongi had gone alone.
But then Yoongi returned, about one in the morning, because he’d bought a pretzel thinking Namjoon would like it. He wasn’t overly drunk, only tipsy, his words fast and slurring a little, his mood strangely cheerful.
It reminds Namjoon that he’d had a panic attack and locked himself in the bathroom. It reminds him of how he’d cried and cried as Yoongi tried to explain himself to Namjoon in a panicked and worried manner, asking if Namjoon was okay, and apologizing deeply for his actions.
It reminds Namjoon that Yoongi is still guilty about this scenario to this day, even though Yoongi did nothing wrong.
It reminds Namjoon that this relationship is bringing unnecessary problems into Yoongi’s life.
It reminds Namjoon that Yoongi deserves so much better.
Yet every single time the voice becomes loud, every single time it’s wedged itself to the front, Yoongi manages to push it back, despite not knowing of it.
And that’s how it’s now, as Namjoon is curled up on the sofa, his knee resting against Yoongi’s, because somehow it’s easier, it’s less scary when it’s him who’s touching Yoongi, rather than Yoongi being the one touching him.
Namjoon’s all curled up into himself in a defensive position, while Yoongi is all spread out, open and carefree. He’s leaning his head on the top of the sofa, a light smile on his lips as his eyes linger on Namjoon, and it’s making butterflies mix with the uneasiness in Namjoon’s stomach, making it worse, or better, he doesn’t really know.
"Can I hold your hand?" Yoongi asks kindly.
It’s then that Namjoon comes to the conclusion that the feeling in his stomach is definitely worse, and he becomes hyper aware of how his hands are starting to sweat. He tries to block out the thoughts that Yoongi will probably be repulsed by how clammy his hands are, telling himself that his hands are always clammy and Yoongi never complains.
Wiping his hand on his jeans, Namjoon takes in a deep breath, doing his best to ignore the feeling in his stomach as he reaches his hand out, and tries to focus on how soft and warm Yoongi’s hand feels, about how he can let go at any times, about how he needs to overcome this fear, because this life he’s been leading for the last three years is no life at all.
Yoongi smiles brighter as he keeps his grip on Namjoon’s hand light, light enough so that Namjoon can pull back without any struggle. Namjoon tries to focus on how beautiful Yoongi looks right now, how relaxed he is, how his eyes are half closed, yet remaining on Namjoon, how beautiful and smooth his pale skin is, how the shape of his nose is one of Namjoon’s favorite things about him, how his pink lips are spread in a bright yet relaxed smile.
He wants to kiss him.
He thinks about how Yoongi keeps telling him that he’s proud of Namjoon whenever he takes a small step. He thinks about how after all this time and all this struggle, Yoongi’s still there. He thinks about all the times Yoongi’s told him he loves h-
"I love you."
Namjoon’s eyes widen at his words, despite having head them dozens of times before. His surprise only makes Yoongi’s smile widen. He always says it so smoothly, so sweetly, so naturally. Every single time Namjoon says it, he sounds like a nervous wreck, but it only makes Yoongi smile.
"Can I kiss you?" Namjoon asks quietly, a slight shake in his voice as he says ‘kiss’, but Yoongi doesn’t seem to have noticed, or just plainly ignores it.
"Of course you can." Yoongi replies and straightens up. But he remains still, waiting for Namjoon to move forward, waiting for Namjoon to have the initiative, waiting for Namjoon to take control. It’s less difficult for Namjoon when he’s the one in control.
Leaning forward slowly, carefully, Namjoon breathes in shakily before pressing his lips against Yoongi’s. His chapped ones move slowly, gently against Yoongi’s soft ones, and he tightens the grip on Yoongi’s hand a little, reminding himself that those hands won’t hurt him, they’ll help him overcome this.
