I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
With a quiet groan, only audible to her through the noise of the live music and busy atmosphere, Lana leaned back in her seat. She wasn't sure she could stomach much more of this. It'd been a long day. One that had started before sunrise so that she could make it to the airport for the check ride she'd had scheduled that morning, and ended with rearranging the feed storage.
Now the singer was after her broken heart. Crooning a song that reached it's hand into her chest and gave that beating thing inside an uncomfortable squeeze.
I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
The drink in front of her was finished, and while Lana had been tempted to order another to let the alcohol seep into all the sharp edges of her life and soften them up for a short reprieve—she'd seen him inside. Other than a glance here and there they were doing their usual avoidance. She'd lost sight of Shane some time ago. If only because Lana hadn't been keen on looking up. Her dark eyes had stayed on her drink, looking for answers in a place she'd never receive them, or they kept clocking the door. The bartender had thought she'd been waiting on someone, and maybe that was how it had appeared since the place was lively and most were socializing, but she'd kept plotting escape.
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
That was it. Lana had cracked. The words sung over the bar at the exact moment she'd looked across it and had caught eyes with the one it had been meant to end up so differently with. It wasn't enough that he'd haunted her all around town since she'd moved back. Shane was in the back of her mind no matter where she'd moved or what she'd taken on in life. After she slipped off the seat and her boots hit the ground Lana pulled some cash from her pocket to pay for her beers and leave a tip, then she rushed for the door without another glance his way.
Outside she sucked in the cooling night as her legs slowly carried her in the vague direction of her truck. Tears stung at her eyes as Lana lolled her head back on her shoulders. Was her life meant to be in constant mourning of something? Always to be in a state of missing? She wasn't drunk, not even buzzed, but still she wasn't storming to her truck and racing off. With a pat of her fingers against the front pocket of her vintage Levi's she registered the location of her keys and faintly heard the sound of the brewery's door opening.
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
The words were faint against the quiet of the night outside and with the more steps she put in-between herself and the entrance, but the lyrics still attempted to strangle her as the singer held that last line especially long. Maybe to twist the knife. "Why do you hate me?" Lana muttered under her breath, speaking to herself.
Tagging: Miles Sterling & Nick Vaughn ft. cool guy guest Jude Hawthorne.
Timeframe: Months ago, a day after Nick found out about Lily and before he confronted Miles.
Location: A night club across town that no one seems to remember the exact name of. Haze or Daze or something to that extent. They all sound the same.
General Notes: A flashback to the night Nick met Jude. Some mentions of NSFW.
Nick knew he shouldn’t be upset. Shouldn’t, being the operative word. But he was.
It was by chance that he first found out about her. Sometimes it was great having a brother who was also best friends with his best friend. Other times, however, it wasn’t so great. Having his brother slip up and mention Miles’ recent hook-up? Then having him show him how pretty she was and how happy Miles seemed about it on social media? Definitely one of the not so great times.
Of course, at the time he’d just laughed and made some generic comment. Some “good for him” that he sure as shit did not mean. He had to pretend to be normal, though. He always had to pretend like he was normal, like he didn’t care about things. Like he wasn’t completely and inappropriately jealous that his best friend had fucked some random girl instead of coming to see him.
What did he expect though? He was the one who told Miles nothing could happen, wasn’t he? He was the one who kept pulling away. He was the one who was fucked up.
Even still, the hurt that gathered in the pit of his stomach was obviously not going anywhere anytime soon. It was present when he found out, it was present during work, and now that he was off it was still there. So he thought he should go find the one thing that he knew could make it go away for awhile: a distraction.
The night club he found himself at was sure to have a lot of them. Distractions came in a number of different forms for Nick. Weed, alcohol, pills. As he sat at the bar to order a drink and someone soon slid into the seat next to him, though, he realized that maybe he should go for a different kind of distraction. Turning his head, he met eyes with a smaller figure. Pretty blue eyes stared back at him, and he found himself wishing not for the first time that he could feel excited by that. The girl seemed nice. Small and cute and clearly not very shy. Maybe she’d be what he needed in order to forget his drama, if he were a different person. The truth was, he didn’t feel much of anything while looking at her face and eyes. And the worst part about it was that he wasn’t sure if it was because she was a girl, or because she wasn’t his best friend.
He offered her a small smile and nodded his head toward her before slipping a five to the bartender and grabbed his drink so he could get up. He could feel her eyes burning into his back, and he knew she must be confused. Or hurt. And normally he would have made small talk and made up some excuse as to why he couldn’t go home with her, but tonight he just wasn’t feeling like humoring other people.
He sighed and brought his drink up to his lips as he stood off to the side and let his eyes dance around the club. Maybe it was a mistake to come here tonight. He wasn’t feeling particularly fun, and he didn’t recognize anyone tonight anyway. The drink, while normally pleasing to him, tasted sour. Just when he was thinking of leaving, he felt a firm torso collide against his back. The drink in his hand sloshed out and onto his shirt, and he murmured something under his breath as he pulled at the material in order to shake off some of the liquid.
Turning back to see who was at fault, he was greeted with a sight of a man who was a little on the short side, yet built nonetheless. His kind brown eyes were visible through the darkness of the club, as was the brightness of his apologetic smile. And his heart beat painfully in his chest, because he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything. He guessed his question was answered, he mused bitterly. It wasn’t that girls fault. It wasn’t this perfectly good-looking mans fault. It was his fault. It was Miles’ fault.
“I’m so sorry.” The man said genuinely, his bright eyes shining with mischievousness as well as genuine apology. “I didn’t mean to ruin your shirt. I guess you could say I got distracted.”
Nick offered him a smile and a shrug, not thinking anything of it. “S’okay, man. It happens.” He brushed it off, not really caring about a stain or a spilled drink. It wasn’t that a big deal. There hadn’t been much left in his glass anyway.
“Still, I want to make it up to you.” The man smiled unabashedly. “Truthfully I was going to ask you this anyway, but I guess this gives me an excuse.” He began playfully. “Buy you a drank?”
And despite himself, Nick let out a laugh. A small yet genuine smile spread across his face and he shrugged his shoulders a bit before responding. “How could I say no to that?”
And just like that, Nick had found himself a distraction for the evening. They found themselves at a small table in the corner where no one paid them much attention. That’s why he liked places like this. He could be himself (or at least a version of that) for a evening and no one cared. No one knew him or remembered him. He could be whatever he wanted. Tonight he just wanted to forget what having to hide felt like. It wasn’t ideal. It wasn’t real. But it would help ease some of the heaviness out of his chest, if only for a few hours.
Nick discovered his name was Jude, and that he liked rum and coke and preferred small bars to large clubs, but had been dragged there by a few friends of his that seemed to have left when they saw them together. He learned small bits and pieces of things throughout all the brief touches and blatant flirts that they were both providing each other with. It wasn’t anything serious, and it didn’t even necessarily feel good, but what else was he going to do for the night? Sulk? Feel bad for himself? He was tired of doing that.
A few drinks and subtle touches later, both men were abandoning their table and heading towards the back of the club near the restrooms. It was seedy and stereotypical and Nick would feel gross about it after all was said and done, but they waited until the coast was clear before slinking into an empty stall.
The feeling of Jude’s hands against his skin and his lips against his throat should have felt good, but even through his hazy thoughts, he kept picturing a different set of lips and hands. Someone else entirely. And they wouldn’t be in a place like this or outside pressed against the side of a building and covered by darkness, places like Nick was used to. They’d be somewhere normal, or clean, or nice. All the things his best friend was. Miles would never be here, in the bathroom of some filthy club. And he most definitely wouldn’t be there with Nick.
And just like that, he was brought back to the present. To their pants being unzipped, but nothing being fully removed in case they were caught. To a condom being pulled from Jude’s pocket, and Nick glancing down at their bodies and the stained floor beneath them. He felt sick, and he felt wrong. But there were so few things that felt right to him lately that he didn’t question it.
It went by in a blur, and before he knew it they were both adjusting themselves like nothing had ever happened. Jude left first, throwing him a smile and a wink over his shoulder. He took note of it numbly and managed a small nod in his direction. A few minutes later, perhaps longer than he needed to wait, Nick left the stall and the restroom. Immediately, he headed towards the front of the club. He wanted to go home. He didn’t want to be there anymore. He didn’t need to be there anymore.
Later that night when he found himself at home and standing in the shower, all he could do was stand there for a minute and let the warm water wash over him. He wanted to feel better, but instead it felt like there was dirt and grime all over him. Nick knew he made a mistake. He’d made a lot of mistakes lately. This, though, somehow felt like the worst one.
Tagging: Miles Sterling ft. special guest Lily Reyes
Timeframe: Sunday night
Location: A bar, then Lily's apartment.
General Notes: Miles done goofed. This is mildly NSFW (except not really) due to vague descriptions.
Miles didn't know what he was doing.
Something was bound to go wrong here. He knew that much. Drinking alone never did anyone any good, especially not after an argument. But here Miles was, downing drink after drink with no end in sight. He couldn't tell if he was loving it or feeling miserable. Every line imaginable was blurred.
He never went out alone. He typically had Nick by his side, mostly to keep him in line when, like this very night, he went a little over the top. But now there was no one to keep him from making certain decisions. Miles didn't know how he felt about that freedom. He was finding it hard to formulate any logical thoughts, really. But that didn't stop him from wondering how Nick was doing.
They had never really fought when they were younger, aside from a certain rough patch in high school. Other than that, there was little to no animosity between them, not until all of this other shit started happening. Now Miles almost expected it, and could feel when it was coming. It sucked.
Granted, they resolved it every time — but still. It was hard to have to argue with his best friend about something they didn't seem to have much control over at the moment. He figured that maybe things might change in the future, but not anytime soon. So, for now, he was drinking.
Part of him wanted to check up on him. Their current fight stemmed from the fact that Miles was blowing Nick off and not communicating with him, so he almost wanted to let him know where he was. Maybe Nick would even want to come join him. But ultimately, Miles knew that was an awful idea. His phone stayed in his pocket.
"You sure look like you're having a blast."
Miles looked up when he heard a voice. It was a girl he'd never met before. She was small and pretty, her hair falling over her shoulders in dark waves. She was clearly dressed for a night out in a little black dress. She might have looked a little intimidating, had her facial expression not been so gentle and inviting. Miles instantly found himself turning in his seat to see her better.
"Yeah, well." He shrugged, holding up the glass in his hand. "This has never really been my definition of fun."
"Why're you here, then?" The girl slid into the seat beside him. "Just get dumped or something?"
Miles laughed lightly. "Not exactly."
"Well, I'll be honest with you. My friend was the one who told me to come talk to you and get you to buy be a drink," she admitted. "But I think you're even cuter up close, and I hate to see anyone so bummed. So I think we should have some fun instead." She smiled genuinely and held out her hand. "I'm Lily. And I don't actually require free drinks."
Miles studied her features. He couldn't quite tell what she meant. But the smile on her face told him she wasn't kidding.
So he shook her hand and bought her a drink anyway.
He tried to clear his head as the night went on, but he couldn't stop thinking about everything that was going on. It honestly really sucked to have unshakeable feelings for someone who couldn't reciprocate. He tried to remind himself that there was no use stressing over it. But no matter what Miles told himself, he couldn't put all the thoughts of what could be out of his head.
He tried to forget about the Nick situation while he danced with Lily, and when he was dragged over for a round of shots with her friends. He worked especially hard to forget it all when she asked if he had anywhere important to go that night. When he said no, she invited him back to her apartment. By this point, Miles was ridiculously drunk, and he figured this couldn’t be the worst thing in the world. So he nodded dumbly and followed her right out the door.
He was stupid to think that this would solve anything, but he was also drunk and angry. Both of those kind of overpowered anything else.
He was quiet the entire cab ride to this random girl's apartment, but she didn't seem to mind. She was nice. Miles almost felt bad. He knew he was using her as a solution that wouldn't even work. But she was unbothered. She certainly didn't give off the vibe that she wanted to end up together forever. So if he was using her, she was doing the same thing to him.
He was fairly quiet for the rest of the night. There was clearly one goal in mind for the both of them, and Miles wasn't about to say anything to prolong the whole ordeal. She didn't say much, either. Nothing, in fact. He hadn’t even completely stepped through the door before she disappeared into her bedroom, shooting him a glance over her shoulder to let him know he should follow.
Miles' gut instinct told him to turn around and go home. He should sleep it off; then he and Nick might be able to talk and possibly even see each other again without any problems. But he instead found himself toeing off his shoes and heading toward Lily’s bedroom. Even if Nick's name kept coming up in his head, over and over and over again.
It didn’t matter, anyway. They weren’t dating. It was clear that that wasn’t what Nick wanted right now, and that was fine. Miles wasn’t going to hold it against him. But that didn’t mean he could just push his feelings aside, so he supposed the best thing to do was try and move on.
But it just didn’t feel right. Lily was beautiful and she smelled nice and everything should have been right, but Miles couldn’t shake the feeling that it was all very, very wrong as he climbed onto her bed, moving on top of her to kiss her deeply.
The feeling didn’t go away, as he had hoped it would. There was a pit in his stomach when she pulled his shirt over his head. It remained as he carefully took off her dress. Her wandering hands and her lips on his neck were no distraction. He could act like this was a good way to move on, but he longed to feel Nick’s lips and hands instead.
The guilt he suddenly felt was overwhelming, knowing he was going to be thinking of someone else the whole time, but at this point it would just be worse to stop. He was holding her bare body close to his, willing himself to just forget. He wondered if she could tell there was something going on in his head. Maybe she assumed his slow, sometimes clumsy movements were all due to being drunk. Which, yeah, he was, but he was also completely distracted.
He almost didn’t want to enjoy it. It was wrong, all wrong. She was wrong. He shouldn’t be with her right now, not like this. Not as a way to forget someone else. Miles wasn’t like that. He didn’t like to feel like he was using her like this.
But it was over just as soon as it began. He’d blame the drunkenness, but really...it had been a while.
He was immediately disgusted with himself. Lily had been genuinely kind to him. It wasn’t as if she’d expected anything different, having brought a guy home from a bar, but Miles couldn’t help but feel like he shouldn’t have done this in his current mindset. She deserved at least his full attention and he could barely even give her that.
“You can stay over if you want,” Lily said quietly. It was the first time either of them had spoken since before they’d gotten there. “Whatever you want.” With that, she turned over, pulling the blanket over herself to go to sleep.
Miles wasn’t sure if he should attempt to make his way home now, considering how drunk he was. Plus, he was pretty exhausted. He knew she was being genuine when she said she didn’t mind, so he settled in to fall asleep there. He’d go home in the morning.
Maybe Nick would never have to know. Or maybe (hopefully), he just wouldn’t care. Because they weren’t even together, so it didn’t matter.
Status: Complete added to Institute files for further use Report: Level B written and added to confidential files. Notes: All experimental items returned
