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‘Tis the season for me to get progressively more cranky about all the christmas shit everywhere

I mean, am I part of the problem? My family celebrates a holiday we call Christmas, with a tree and presents and a feast. I bake the cookies my grandmother used to bake. None of us are even remotely Christian, but we call the holiday that because it’s cultural, and a couple of my grandparents were so my folks grew up with it. I like having a winter holiday. I like passing the lights around the tree to my dad while I’m up on a stepladder. I like an excuse to sit by the fire with my sister.

But the presence of all this Christmas crap in public— every shop is full of candy cane sweaters and Tis The Season and red and green and the Grinch and that Will Ferrel movie— is so oppressive. It’s the middle of November and there’s Christmas carols on all the radios. I think my parents were pretty good at shielding me from it as a kid, but this country is so damned(ha) Christian, and the older I get the more I feel like I can’t breathe. There are always cross necklaces in the mall tween-jewelry shop. There aren’t any other religious symbols. I’m an atheist and I don’t even feel the need for there to be a symbol for me, it’d just be nice if there were options so it didn’t feel like “well of COURSE this applies to everybody”.

I’ve said before I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I love the holiday we celebrate. But the more viscerally discomfited I become by the horde of wise men and elves and santas, the weirder I feel calling it Christmas.

I wish it didn’t have to matter to me. Other people believe in god, I don’t, that’s their business and mine separately, who cares. But with the your-body-god’s-choice bullshit coming over from conservative Christianity, the evangelical apocalypse “allow climate change so the end times will come” lunacy that’s actually working its way out of the fringe and into the mainstream, I just feel more and more afraid. The cultural assumption of Christianity feels like it’s bearing down on me from all sides.

I know, I know, cry me a river atheist white bitch. We’re pretty acceptable targets for shitting on. But on my own blog, under a cut, I can talk like I’m a person whose experience matters.

#pd alice personal #spacer tag #Spacer spacer #spacety space #spacer taggity #spacer spacer spacer #spacer spacer #spacer #atheism #christmas

[opens tumblr briefly to make this post and then fucks off again to avoid TOH finale spoilers]

So I’m at the con right now. I’m in the Artists’ Alley, where I spend most of my time at cons because I love looking at people’s artwork and getting a few new posters for my wall every year. (Well, it used to be every year; this is the first in-person con I’ve been to since 2019 and I’ve missed it a lot. I’m very glad people are being conscientious about masking, and I watched someone get turned away at the door for not having their booster shot, so I’m not really feeling in any more danger than I am on campus. Which is to say I’m still a little nervous but also aware that so long as I’m careful I will probably be fine, knock wood.)

It’s weird. I’m so out of the loop on a lot of things. There’s so many anime that have a strong presence at the con (both in cosplays and on people’s art tables) that I’ve just never heard of. I would have thought there would be a ton of Owl House, given how popular it is right now, but I’ve only found a very few things, only one of which appealed to me enough to purchase. I might go back for that cute keychain of Eda holding King, it’s just a bit long so I’m not sure how I’d use it.

I also expected a decent amount of Infinity Train, given how popular it is, how beloved and highly rated, but I haven’t seen any. I really wanted some posters for my wall! There’s nothing! A few people have recognized my Amelia Hughes cosplay, and a few more have just pointed at me and gone “Oh, Infinity Train!” or in one case “Conductor!” but still. It’s odd.

The reason this ramble is going on my art blog, though, is that I keep looking at the artists who have booths here and feeling so conflicted. They’re so damn good. The vast majority of them are so damn good.

(Not entirely relevant, but I could swear there’s a higher proportion of boobyass-artists this year than there usually is. No shade to the boobyass, nothing wrong with being horny, but bc I don’t want that kind of thing on my wall it means I keep looking at booths like “oh those colours are nice— woah that’s a lot of titty, woah she sure is bending over away from the camera in skimpy skivvies, oh dear”)

But the point here is that I don’t know how to take it, I don’t know how to handle it. I’m never going to be good enough of an artist to sell prints even online, much less as good as these folks, and I’m usually fine with that, you know? I draw to have fun, myself, and to get my dumb jokes out, and to illustrate my song associations, and to sometimes make something I find fairly pretty. I’m usually fine with that. It’s not my career path, I’m a writer, that’s the way I’m going, that’s the thing I’m actually good at. But at the same time I see these people and I think “what if I could, what if I did, what if I did a ton of TOH and IT and Utena and fairytale and SU posters, I could even have a Cain Saga one off to the corner for old goth nerds like me, what if I was actually good at this?”

But I’m not going to be good at it— I’ve been drawing consistently as long as I can remember, and I’m nearly thirty, and if I chose to make it a full time job I could probably get decently competent but I can’t, I’m in college and I’m a writer and I’m exhausted.

So it’s giving me this very weird kind of inspiration, where on the one hand I’m having all these ideas of things to draw, the Posters I Would Make, but on the other hand I’m aware enough of my lack of skill that it’s immobilizing.

I’ll get over it. It’s just weird right now.

#pd alice talks #not art #spacer tag #spacety space #spaaaaacer #spacer taggity #fanimecon

I love this ridiculous camp piece of shit

#rereading Nimona for like the sixth time in two months #I can't get over how much I love every character lmao #but especially this dumbass #pd alice talks #spacer tag #spacety space #spacer spacer spacer #spacer taggity #space space space #nm canon #nimona

as a person who 1) digs vampires 2) digs 80s goth shit 3) has lived where it was shot for like six years

it really is a disgrace that I hadn’t seen The Lost Boys before now

anyway I loved it

#pd alice talks #spacer tag #spacer taggity #spacety space #spacer spacer spacer #spacer tag two electric boogaloo #the lost boys

why the fuuuuuuck is movie!Ballister so damn hard to draw

I am 40 pages into this dang comic and he appears on most of them and I am only just STARTING to feel like he looks kinda like himself

and when I say kinda I mean kinda

#pd alice talks #pd alice draws #spacer tag #spacety space #spacerrrrrr #spacer taggity #spacer spaaaacer #spacer spacer #spacety spacer space #space. space. gonna go to space.#wanna go to space gonna go to space #spaaaaaaace #nimona #nm other

I mean I knew I was gonna love Nimona, but god damn I loved Nimona.

#pd alice talks #spacer tag #spacety space #spaaaaacer taggity #spacer tag tag #nimona

I’ve kind of… belatedly come to the realization that I can’t go to FanimeCon this year, and I am bummed about it.

I’ve gone every year since I was 14, except the years it didn’t happen because of the plague. Well over a decade. It’s one of the highlights of my year. It’s the only con I go to— the only one I can get to— and I have so much fun cosplaying, people-watching, getting new posters for my walls in the Artists’ Alley, being surrounded by other absolute nerds. Thinking about getting to go to the con is one of the things I use to keep myself going, and it’s really important to me.

Last year, I went, and I got COVID.

I’d thought it would be okay. The con had stronger vaccination and masking rules than my damn college campus; I thought it’d be safe. It wasn’t. I got sick.

I can’t risk getting sick again. For my own long-term health, for the fact that my college graduation is like two weeks later, I just can’t risk it. I can’t go.

This fact makes me so fucking miserable. I’m almost done making my Harrowhark costume, I was going to do Lilith’s timejump outfit too, I have the fabric and the wig already. I want to be around the kind of unapologetic enthusiasm that the con breeds. I want to get new posters for my wall— fuck, I bet there’ll be Locked Tomb stuff! I bet there’ll be all kinds of Owl House finale art! I want to have weird little conversations with people I’ll never meet again! I want to sit in a corner with my tablet and draw people as they walk by! And I don’t get to, and I hate it! I hate it hate it hate it. I’m not good at getting mad at anything but myself, but I really am just so miserable at the situation.

It haunts me? It shouldn’t, I feel stupid being this emotionally affected by not getting to go to an event, but I really, really am. Every time I realize again that I don’t have that to look forward to, it hurts. I can’t stop thinking about it. I hate it.

I know, I know, it’s trivial, it’s dumb, I shouldn’t care. I care. I care and I’m so goddamn mad.

#pd alice personal #spacer tag #spacer taggity #spacety space #spaaaaacer tag #spacer spacer spacer #spacer spacer #fanime

ok I just finished Gideon the Ninth and I’m crying and I dearly want to go seek out fanart to stare at but I also don’t want to spoiler myself for the sequel do u see my dilemma

#pd alice talks #spacer tag #spacety space #spacer taggity #spaaaaaaaaacer #spacety spacer space #the locked tomb #tlt other