#spector.speaks

[spectorsearchblog]

Wow i don't know. How to draw.

[spectorsearchblog]

I keep forgetting im an introject in a system.

I keep forgetting being a system is something i struggle with. I keep forgetting i am an introject and not actually just marc Spector. I keep forgetting that when i wake up, i do not live in my source, i am in a 17 y/o transgender body and am not 30 y/o cisgender.

I'm so used to missing jake and steven and layla. It's second nature, it doesn't mean much to me. I'm used to it.

How do you forget you're an introject? I know it's possible, but how did i do it?

[spectorsearchblog]

I haven't. Done. Anything wrong. Recently. But i feel. Like the. Worst person. ever. Maybe. I secretly. Did. The worst thing. Ever. And maybe. I deserve. To feel. So horrible.

[spectorsearchblog]

I miss steven so much.

[spectorsearchblog]

It hurt. All over. Again.

And i felt like. I was. Getting better. And i. Got. Myself. Over it. But he was. So dry. And so. Uncaring. It felt. Like.and i just. Cant. I cant. Not with. How i am.

And now im. Cryjng. All over again. I hate this. Im so tired. Of constsntly. Being like this. Of the cycle. Repeating. Into. Constant. Hurt. And i want. To. Forget. About him. And hate him. And be. Hurt. But i cant. Be mad. All. I feel. Is sad. I csnt. Be angry. All i do. Is cry. I cant. Do anything. Else.

[spectorsearchblog]

I just. Want to know. When I'll. Get better.

[spectorsearchblog]

Once again. left the one place.id just. Talk and talk. About. How shit. Im feeling. And once again. Isolated. myself.

I feel. So pathetic. And useless. I hate. That people. Wont just. Tell me. "Hey, im sorry. I'll be busy." Or. "Hey. I dont feel well. I might just be offline."

I just. Want. One thing. So i dont. Feel. Pathetic. And so. People. Stop. Apologizing. to me. When i. Get like this. I'm tired. I feel. Pathetic. And disgusting. I dont. Like being this way. Im not trying. To be clingy. Or angry. Or sad. I dont. Like it. I hate myself. Like this. Its. Not. Fair. I hate it.

[spectorsearchblog]

I actually hate this site so much. Everyone who. Follows our main. Is a creep. I want to get out.