what do you think about it’s called: freefall by rks? i kinda have my ideas of meanings... but kinda want some other opinions if you have one
ah what a good question!! i love this song so much! i feel like its about being.. too good of a friend.. if that makes sense lol. like being so desperate to keep the friends you have that you put them first in every situation and try to always be there for them, like ”a noose to hang on to”. to the point where you lose yourself in it, because investing your life into someone elses like that can never end well. and the descent into depression? anxiety? madness? idk lol but then realizing that fuck this, you could just let it all go. and letting go of all of the things holding you back, holding you up and then being free again! and even if youre alone its better than living for someone else! idk, thats just my take lol!! id love to hear yours??
your avi omg i love him. but besides that (because you asked for questions), what are some of your favorite qualities about yourself that you don’t think others necessarily notice? also what are your favorite things about e? 😌
i guess i mom my friends a lot and they don’t necessarily notice that i do it because i feel such love and gratitude towards them.
i genuinely love mothering everyone in my life. where i work, i work with food so i find myself making my own twist on different meals that we offer and even throw a few ingredients together to create something new. my coworkers dub these the “emily specials”. i truly am the mom friend.
about ethan! i just love his vibe in general! he’s such a big hearted person and i love the way that he loves grayson and will do anything for him. i love his goofy smile and i have such a soft spot for mean boys and he just hits me with it. his wheeze laugh fills my heart with so much joy i just love him so.
It’s a special day for Ethan and me. I’ve had a few flashbacks to some huge moments in our life together that brought us to where we are now.
Missed You (nsfw)
You and Ethan suffer through a long distance relationship, and although he’s certainly exhausted from traveling home to you for hours, there’s something that you both want to do and neither can wait for.
Hazy
You haven’t seen or talked to Ethan in nearly 7 months after your ill-defined relationship. You convince yourself that you’ve moved on and are living a better life now, but Ethan suddenly comes back into your life.
Banana Cabana (upcoming)
Going on a cruise with your family, you spend the day on a private tropical island. A cute boy introduces himself to you, making for a much more exciting family vacation than you originally planned.
Nightmare
Ethan has a nightmare that leaves him shaking with tears. Y/n does what he/she can to comfort him like he’s/she’s done many times before, but it’s difficult for him to shake it. This might be his breaking point.
Relief
Ethan almost loses you in a way he never thought he would, but when you are given the choice to either live in pain or die in peace, leaving those you love in pain, you made the decision that will change things forever.
✏︎ Series
Strangers In the Night
A new boy moved into the apartment above yours. He was looking for a fresh start, and found you. After learning some heartbreaking news from him, you realized there was only one thing that you could do. Even if you were setting yourself up for failure.
The link will take you to part one, and at the end of each part is a link to the next part.
Dad!Ethan blurbs
This is a series of blurbs in which Ethan is a real dad. Each one has a different summary that can pretty much be guessed based on the titles.
Check my simplified masterlist (link is at the top of this post and also in my bio) for links to each blurb.
✏︎ Blurbs
Road trip
You, Ethan, and Grayson are going for a road trip. No one handles sitting in the backseat too well, but of course your boyfriend volunteers, allowing you to sit in the front. Inevitably he gets carsick, and you comfort him.
Not Stopping
Grayson walked in on you and Ethan making out in their shared bedroom in New Jersey.
Never Too Tired
Written for this concept sent in anonymously: “laying in ethans bed with his t shirt on while you wait for him to come home. when you're mid falling asleep he would sneak into the bed with you and start lightly tickling/rubbing your back or stomach and would ask you to tell him about your day, he would listen to everything you say while he holds you close to him”
𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕪𝕤𝕠𝕟 𝔻𝕠𝕝𝕒𝕟
✏︎ Imagines
Everything I Need
It’s late, and you and Grayson are cuddling on the couch and watching TV. He’s ready to go to bed but doesn’t like the idea of going alone, so he silently pleads for you to join him.
Gym Love
You and your family are on vacation, and have just gotten back to the hotel for the night. You decided to hit the gym before hitting the bed, and when you walked into the hotel’s workout room, you saw this boy sitting on the other side. He was sweaty from his previous session and getting ready to leave… until you walked in.
14 Days of Love (Valentine’s Day)
Grayson plans and executes the “14 days of love” with a special gift and note to reminisce the history of yours and his relationship with a grand finale planned for February 14th.
The Edge of Night (upcoming)
You helped him recover from his previous cheating girlfriend, and then the two of you became best friends. The relationship grows into more than just a friendship, and when he asks for a commitment, you’re not sure you can handle that. Will you walk away?
Inked
Although Grayson has several of his own tattoos, he’s not fond of the idea of you having any. You go out with a friend and finally do the thing you’ve waited your whole life for - you got a tattoo. When Grayson finds out, he reacts a little bit differently than you expected.
✏︎ Series
Let’s Make a Bet [ part 1 / part 2 ]
You and Grayson are great friends, and you would never see him as anything more. After much pleading on his end, you finally make a single bet with Grayson that could change the whole dynamic of your relationship with him.
✏︎ Blurbs
Holiday
You reminisce a holiday you and Grayson took to Australia until he snaps you back into reality.
𝔻𝕠𝕝𝕒𝕟 𝕋𝕨𝕚𝕟𝕤
With these writings, you can choose which twin you’d like to imagine with.
✏︎ Blurbs
Taking his last name
After you and (Grayson/Ethan) get married, you finally complete the process of inheriting his last name.
Summary: Ethan almost loses you in a way he never thought he would, but when you are given the choice to either live in pain or die in peace, leaving those you love in pain, you made the decision that will change things forever.
Word Count: 7.4k+ words
Warnings: I believe there are a couple of curse words, and there’s slight angst.
/ / / / /
The obnoxious noise coming from your nightstand persisted, and you groaned and tried to shove the heavy, sleeping boy off of you to reach and silence the alarm. “Ethan,” you nudged him. “Get off of me.”
He simply groaned in response and rolled towards the other side of the bed. With a huff, you swung your legs over the bed and rubbed the sleep out of your eyes.
“Is it 5am already?” he croaked from behind you.
You turned around and leaned over him, giving him a chaste kiss on the lips. “Afraid it is. I’m gonna miss waking up next to you for the next couple of days.”
He turned his head away from you and said, “Don’t. Don’t bring it up, please.” You gave him another kiss, this time on the cheek, and finally stood up from the bed to begin getting ready.
In a couple of hours, you would be boarding a plane on your way home for a few days. Ethan thought it was only to visit your family which was true… but it wasn’t the whole truth. He didn’t need to know that though – at least not yet. You quickly got ready for your flight and packed the last bit of things. Ethan helped you load your suitcase into the car, and the two of you were off to the airport.
Arriving to the passenger drop off area and getting out of the car, you slowly adjusted your backpack and reached for your suitcase, still exhausted from a lack of sleep. Ethan quickly interfered and insisted on grabbing the luggage for you, though. He set it on the ground softly, raised the handle for you, and plastered a sad smile across his face as he looked back up at you.
He noticed the small tears threatening to escape your eyes and said, “Come here,” while he reached out towards you. He wrapped you up in the tightest hug, rubbing a hand up and down your back slowly. His touch calmed you in a way nothing else could. He’d always go on and on about how much he needed you, but the truth is, you needed him just as much… maybe more. But for now, you had to part ways.
“I don’t want to leave,” you sounded muffled in his neck.
“I don’t want you to either… but it’s just a couple of days, okay? Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll live close enough to Jersey that a quick trip to visit our families will be a piece of cake, and we’d never have to leave each other. You know we’ve always talked about raising our kids there.”
You could listen to his voice forever, but you didn’t want to listen to his words right now. You didn’t want to talk about the future, because honestly, it terrified you. Tears began running down your face, and you sniffled. He hugged you only tighter before finally releasing you. “I don’t want to be the one to say it, but you need to go if you want to make your flight,” he said solemnly.
“Maybe I’ll just miss my flight then,” you said, laughing and wiping your tears – whatever you could do to lighten the mood.
“I can’t let you do that. Your mom would hate me for it,” he replied, laughing back. “I love you. You’ll text me when you board and land?”
“Of course. I love you too, a lot.” You kissed him one last time and gave him another hug.
He let out a long breath as you released him. “Alright. See you later.”
“Yeah, see you later,” you said with a smile.
*Flashback*
It was nearly midnight, and Ethan just drove you back home after your fifth date. He walked you to your door, and the two of you stood in the cool autumn night, talking about how much you enjoyed the evening he had given you.
After he pulled away from the ‘goodnight’ kiss, you smiled and said, “I’ll see you later, Ethan.”
“Yeah,” he agreed and smiled back. You turned to unlock the door, but he spoke again. “Wait… I have a question.”
“Go for it.”
“Why do you always say, ‘see you later?’ I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say goodbye. Even when we talk on the phone, you’ll say, ‘talk to you later,’ but never goodbye. Why is that?”
You shrugged and replied, “Saying ‘goodbye’ feels too permanent, but if I say, ‘see you later,’ then that means I’ll get to see you again sometime.” You finished and noticed Ethan had such a cheesy smile towards you. “I just have a thing with goodbyes!” You held your hands up in defense.
“No, that’s cute,” he said, still smiling. “In that case, I’ll see you later, y/n,” he said before he walked away. You understood that it was kind of a weird thing… but Ethan thought it was endearing. He loved that you actually wanted to see him again.
*End of flashback*
And ever since then, the two of you never said, “Goodbye.” Only ‘see you soon’s and ‘talk to you later’s.
/ / / / /
After what felt like the longest flight ever, you finally landed in New Jersey, and as soon as you got off the plane, you gave a quick call to Ethan while you walked towards baggage claim. He was relieved you made it safely, but he sounded very tired – likely from going back to sleep after dropping you off so early at the airport.
You spotted your mom from across the way and picked up your pace a little bit. Finally reaching her, you threw your arms around her and said, “I miss you so much, mom.”
“Hi, honey. I missed you too… how are you feeling?” she asked cautiously.
“Honestly fine… just really nervous. I hate that I haven’t been able to tell Ethan anything,” your mom frowned as you spoke.
“I don’t know why you won’t tell him. You know he would have bought a plane ticket to come with you as soon as he found out. I think you’d be a lot less nervous if you had him with you.”
“I know mom… I just don’t want to worry him if there’s nothing to worry about. He’d be worried sick… it would ruin him. There may not even be anything wrong, and then we could just forget this whole thing ever happened,” you said hopefully.
“Okay. Well you know the doctor’s office usually closes early on Mondays, but Dr. Connery is keeping it open a little later for us. We need to get going,” your mom said.
You agreed, and with a sigh, you grabbed your luggage and walked towards the parking lot your mom was in. Just as you stepped outside, you felt a fresh New Jersey breeze, and every problem, just for a moment, seemed to disappear. Every worry subsided, and you were so relieved to be home.
/ / / / /
You and your mom had been waiting in the doctor’s office for about 10 minutes before Dr. Connery came in. When she did, you felt like your stomach was going to explode from all the nerves twisting and turning. You could tell just from her expression when she saw you that it wouldn’t be good news that she is about to give you.
“Y/n,” Dr. Connery paused before continuing. “I wish I had better news to give you. The blood tests showed that your white blood cell count was much higher than it needs to be, and your red blood cell and platelet counts are extremely low. This was a big red flag to me and my nurses, so we went ahead and ran your bone marrow sample. The tests concluded that you do have leukemia. I know this is a lot to take in, but there are basically two types of leukemia: acute and chronic. One grows much slower than the other, and luckily, you have the less aggressive kind. I put together a list of your treatment options for you to discuss with your family over the next couple of days, but we do need to take action on this as soon as possible.”
“Okay,” was all you could reply. You were speechless… never in your life did you think you’d be diagnosed with cancer, as you always considered yourself a relatively healthy person. The biggest concern running through your mind now, though, was how you were going to tell Ethan, what you were going to tell Ethan, and even if you were going to tell Ethan. You weren’t really sure what to think at this point, but luckily, your mom stepped in and spoke for you.
They discussed a few of the more-common treatment options and their success rates, but you and your family would really need some time to discuss this. After they talked for several minutes, a conversation you honestly managed to tune out, your mom grabbed your hand, squeezing it a bit in hers, and asked if you were ready to go home.
The next few days you made excuse after excuse about why you weren’t able to talk to Ethan much. It broke your heart, and you missed his voice like crazy; you missed him like crazy, but you didn’t have the energy or the heart to lie to him anymore. It was just best to avoid him until you got back to LA.
You considered all of the options with your parents and Dr. Connery and finally came to a conclusion on treatment, but you also needed to decide where you would receive that treatment. Your family thought it would be best for you to do so as close to home as possible… You didn’t entirely disagree with them. Receiving treatment at home would be easier and cause less stress which would help your recovery, so you went with that option.
/ / / / /
You finally landed back in LA and spotted Ethan with a dozen roses waiting for you at the gate. As soon as he caught your eye, you both ran to each other and embraced one another, never wanting to let go.
“I missed you so much, y/n,” he said so quietly.
“I really missed you too, Ethan, but you’re kind of crushing me right now,” you said while laughing. He immediately let go of you and gave you a kiss.
“Here. These are for you,” he said with a cheeky smile, handing you the flowers.
“Nice touch,” you said as you smelt the roses. “My favorite. Thank you.” You smiled up at him and leaned into him as he wrapped an arm around you.
“I’ve got food being delivered to the house for dinner, so we better get going to be there in time for it,” Ethan said guiding you to baggage claim and then to his car.
/ / / / /
You and Ethan finally made it back home and were sitting on the couch, eating your dinner, and catching up on what both of you have been doing the past few days, but you really had only been listening to him. You didn’t have much to say about your trip yet.
“Gosh. I’ve been talking this whole time, and my life isn’t even that interesting when you’re not here,” he laughed. “Tell me about your time in Jersey! How’s the family?”
“Family’s doing good… very good. They all asked about you, of course, and send their love.” You paused, and he smiled. He always got on so well with your family, especially your dad. “I have to move back home,” you blurted without giving it a second though. “Shit,” you mumbled under your breath. You definitely didn’t mean to rip the band-aid so suddenly.
He set his food back down onto the table and looked at you. “You what?” he whispered.
Here goes nothing… “I have to move back home, and I think it would just be better if we said our goodbyes here in LA. We both know we’ve never been interested in long distance.”
“Where is all of this coming from? I don’t understand… you’re joking with me, right?” he said while trying to muster up a laugh. Your solemn expression alone told him you weren’t kidding. “So that’s it? We’re just over like that,” he said snapping his fingers, “because you have to move back home?”
“Ethan,” you quietly spoke. “Please just believe me when I say it’s for the better.”
“What do you mean it’s for the better?” he said, raising his voice. “Us breaking up when we’re always talking about our future together is ‘for the better?’”
“I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to give you this weight.” Tears were pooling in your eyes.
“The weight of living across the country from you? I mean, of course it would suck… but we can work it out. Please don’t do this,” he pleaded.
“It’s more complicated than that, Ethan,” you trailed off, unsure of what to say now.
“How is it more complicated? Is there… someone else?” he said with betrayal laced in his words.
“Ethan, no! I would never, ever cheat on you. There could never be anyone else. It’s just some family matters that I have to take care of.”
“Is everything okay? Maybe I can help you. Y/n, I promise whatever it is, we can work it out,” he said putting a hand on your thigh. His touch caused a tear to finally fall with the thought that it may be one of the last times you ever feel his hands on you. He saw your watery eyes and said, “Y/n what is it? Is it your parents? Are they getting divorced or are one of them sick-“
“No, no. They’re just fine,” you cut Ethan off. “It’s not any of that.”
“Well then what is it?”
You let out a long breath and prepared to tell him what you never wanted to. “I’m sick, Ethan. I have leukemia, and that’s why I just went back to New Jersey. My doctor wanted to tell me the results in person and talk about my treatment options. I’m starting chemotherapy in two weeks, and me and my family decided it would be best for me to be close to home while all of this is happening.”
“You’re what?” he said breathlessly.
“Please don’t make me repeat myself,” you said as a tear fell down your cheek. “I don’t want this to be your weight. It’s far too heavy, and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t think my odds of living very long are good, and I think it would just be best if we said our goodbyes now.” You wiped your tears and looked back towards Ethan. He was staring ahead blankly, his mouth slightly hung open, tears filling his eyes.
“How did you… when did… how bad is it?” Ethan said, unable to process everything.
“It’s not as aggressive as it could be… but maybe that just means it’ll kill me painfully slow,” you tried to humor yourself. He looked at you almost with horror in his eyes. “Ethan, I’m sorry… It’s not aggressive, so maybe that’ll make it easier to beat. I really don’t know. They said I still have at least a couple of years, but I don’t know how much of that will be worth living, honestly.”
He looked at you as the tears spilled over his cheeks. He pulled you into a hug and finally said, “I want this to be my weight. I’m not letting you leave like this. I’m going to be here the entire time. Y/n… I’m so sorry this is happening.” He slowly caressed your back, causing your tears to increase.
The two of you cried in each other’s arms for several minutes before Ethan offered to take you somewhere to get your mind off of things. There was an open field the two of you often went to when you needed a small getaway from the world. It was only a 35-minute drive out of the city and was such a magical place with wildflowers, butterflies, and ladybugs, and it was yours. Ethan spread a blanket for the two of you to lay on while you star gazed, reminisced, and dreamed.
For a while, you actually did manage to forget about everything else. It was just you and Ethan alone in the night with a cool breeze brushing against your skin every so often. You wished you could have stayed in this moment forever – frozen time and just lived here. But soon enough, everything would become much more real… much scarier.
/ / / / /
Ethan did exactly as he promised that night; he always kept his promises to you whether it was promising to give you a back massage, promising to not let you nap too long, promising to get your Starbucks order correct, or promising to never say goodbye. He was present at almost every single appointment, took care of you as best as he could, and still managed to make you feel like you were living a normal life like everyone else.
He constantly took you on dates to the theater, every restaurant in your hometown, the bowling alley, ice cream parlor, lake, and anywhere else the two of you could think of. You two would even still cook together sometimes while laughing and cutting up like you were still living in LA together. You would have movie days on the couch when it was rainy with breaks in between movies to play in the rain and picnics in the park when the weather was absolutely perfect. Occasionally, he’d take you for a weekend getaway that would be filled with more surprises that you could keep count of. These were just the highlights, though.
You had very many bad days as well. The cancer was growing and spreading much more quickly than the doctors originally thought. Sometimes the doctor would come back with disappointing news about the chemotherapy not working as quickly as the cancer was spreading. Sometimes you just felt like shit, having no will power left in you to leave the bed even to go to the bathroom.
You often found yourself crying alone in the bathroom as more and more hair continued falling, trying to stay as quiet as possible. Ethan would come to check on you and tear your eyes away from the reflection you couldn’t bear to look at. He didn’t like seeing you beat yourself up like that. You were always so beautiful, so perfect in his eyes. He wanted you to see the same beauty that he saw every time he looked at you.
“It’s just hair, baby. It’ll come back,” he said, kissing your temple. “You’d still love me even if I shaved all my hair off, right?”
“Probably not as much,” you mumbled, and he couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m glad to know you’ve still got a sense of humor,” he smiled and pulled you into his arms. “But seriously, I want you to know that no matter how much or how little hair you have, I still love you. I still believe you’re gonna come back from all of this. I still believe you’re the most beautiful girl in the world – the only one for me. I don’t like the thought of you not believing you’re beautiful.”
“It’s difficult to believe that I’m beautiful, Ethan. I have the darkest and droopiest eyes. I have half as much hair as I did two months ago. I have drier skin than a freaking raisin, and I haven’t really been the nicest person lately either.”
“Well, you have an excuse for being a little irritated. Your body is going through really dramatic things, but baby, I promise it’ll get better.”
“You can’t promise that, Ethan,” you warned him and looked up at him with guilty eyes.
“Let’s not think that way, okay?” he asked.
“Okay,” you whispered and melted into his chest as he hugged you tighter.
But, you always felt your worst when Ethan wasn’t with you. He still had responsibilities in Los Angeles that he couldn’t abandon, but luckily, he had the financial stability to fly out to you literally whenever you wanted him to. It was nice to be living with your parents, so you would have their company when he was away… but it still just wasn’t the same. You and Ethan lived together for almost two years, and suddenly, you weren’t anymore. It was difficult – no, impossible – to adjust to that.
/ / / / /
One minute you were laughing with Ethan in the car as you drove down the highways and backroads of your hometown listening to all of your favorite songs, and the next minute you were in an empty space - everything was white, and you felt like you were floating. You slightly felt the breaks of the car being slammed, and you heard a faint voice coming from Ethan… then you blacked out completely.
Ethan rushed you the hospital while squeezing your hand, doing everything he could to try and get you to wake back up. You were immediately brought into surgery to try and fix the issue, but the doctors had very little success.
Your doctors told you that your time was running short, and the people close to you should prepare themselves. But no one thought it would ever be this soon. Ethan was a wreck in the waiting room along with your parents. No one really knew what to think or expect… they just hoped it wasn’t your time yet. They wanted more time with you... There were so many things each of them still wanted to say to you.
The doctors transferred you to the ICU, and then went to inform your family of what happened. The chemotherapy you had been undergoing wasn’t doing its job fast enough, no matter how intense the treatment was. The cancer cells were only strengthening and growing in number, and your body was shutting down much more quickly than expected. They did everything the possible could in your surgery, but they believed that it would be very unlikely for you to ever wake up. There was very little brain activity, and your breathing was only possible by the support of machines.
Your parents refused to lose faith, and they believed that you would come back from this no matter how small the chances were. You had always been defiant and stubborn as a kid, and they didn’t expect your illness to change that. Maybe they were in denial… maybe they hoped you had a little bit more fight left in you, so they refused to take you off of any life support or sign DNR forms.
The doctors brought your parents in to see you, but they made Ethan wait in the waiting room for the time being. His head was spinning, and all he wanted was to hear your voice one last time. He didn’t want to believe it, but he was really afraid this was finally it. So many memories started rushing back to him, and he couldn’t handle the fact that there was a chance no more new memories could be made.
Your parents walked back into the waiting room nearly 45 minutes later - your mom holding tissues with a bit of makeup smeared under eyes. The sight broke Ethan’s heart, because as much as he loved you, he knew that there was no greater love than the love for your children. He couldn’t even imagine how great their pain was. Your dad informed Ethan that he could go see you now, and in a heartbeat, Ethan was rushing to the door to see you.
When he walked into the room and saw you connected to all of the wires and machines, he couldn’t believe his eyes - nothing felt real to him anymore. He immediately went to your bedside, tears falling down his cheeks, to give you a kiss on the forehead. He touched his forehead to yours, saying, “Y/n, please wake up, baby. Please. I’m begging you.” He continued crying, his tears falling from his face to yours, and he was squeezing your hand tightly. “I don’t want you to die… We promised we would never say goodbye to each other. Baby, please don’t make me say goodbye like this,” he cried.
After a moment, he finally stepped back and grabbed a chair to pull up next to you. He sat there for hours just holding your hand and looking at you. He didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t think you’d be able to hear him anyways. He finally laid his head on the bed as his thumb glided up and down your hand in a loving way. He began crying again, so afraid he’d never hear your voice, your laugh, or your tears ever again. He managed to drift into his own sleep, his hand becoming limp but still resting on top of yours.
/ / / / /
Ethan stayed in New Jersey for the next couple of weeks with your parents while you were still in a coma. Grayson and Cameron even flew out to visit you for a couple of days. Nothing had changed in regard to your health – still small amounts of brain activity and breathing only with support. No one was giving up hope, though.
Your parents and Ethan came to visit you every day, and Ethan would often stay the night with you. He always had a fresh bouquet of flowers next to your bed, and he even started bringing books by your favorite authors to read to you to pass time. He’d read you the daily news, tell you the latest gossip on your favorite celebrities, do crossword puzzles, or just chat with you about what he did before he came to see you. He did anything he could just to spend time with you, even if you weren’t really there.
The nurses fawned over the love he had for you. Many of them complimented him and told him how they wished they could experience that great of a love. They couldn’t promise Ethan that you would wake up, but they hoped just as much as he did that you would.
/ / / / /
You had been at the hospital for about 3 weeks now, still in a coma. It was a Wednesday evening, and Ethan had been sitting in your room, watching a movie that was new on Netflix.
There was so much on his mind, and had you been present, you would’ve picked up on that quickly and asked how you could help. He had a bad habit of always overthinking and stressing which was bound to worsen his anxiety. You were one of the few things that could calm him when he was like this though. Just like you, he never imagined someone he loved so much being taken from him in this way.
He paused the movie and set his phone down on the table next to him. He looked at you with sad eyes and spoke, “This is wrecking me. Every day I come in here, hoping that something has changed and that you’ll wake up… but the reality of it is that you won’t wake up. The doctors keep telling us how rare it is for someone in your condition to wake up, and I don’t know… maybe they’re right.” Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, and he had that familiar lump in his throat.
“I don’t know how much longer I can wait here for you,” he said, and the tears finally spilling over. “You will always be the true love of my life, and I wouldn’t dare forget you… but I think maybe it’s finally time for us to say goodbye. I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep my promise,” he ended with tear stained cheeks.
He rested his head on the bed and brought your hand to rest on his cheek. “I’m going to miss these hands so much,” he started crying harder. He laced his fingers with yours and brought your hand to his mouth to plant kisses across your smooth skin. “I’m going to miss your smile. I’m going to miss all the mornings we cooked pancakes and bacon together. I’m going to miss the way you sometimes snort when you laugh, seeing you wearing my t-shirts and hoodies, the way your cheeks get red when I call you ‘baby girl,’ the way you always know exactly how to cheer me up when I’m sad, how well you always got along with my family so effortlessly… just everything. You are my everything… I can’t believe this is goodbye.”
He was so heartbroken and lost, and it was almost as if you could feel his pain.
/ / / / /
You slowly opened your eyes and were finally able to see things for the first time what felt like days. You started hyperventilating as you took in your surroundings: a completely grey room with a single wooden chair and television set in the middle.
“Ethan?” you said with your voice cracking. The television made a static noise, and suddenly, Ethan’s face was on the screen. You ran to the chair and sat down, bringing your hand to his face on the screen.
You saw that his face was red and puffy as if he had been crying, and you saw several bottles of hard liquor in the background with shattered glass… ‘Ethan never liked the taste of alcohol,’ you remembered.
A tear fell down Ethan’s face as he reached for another bottle of alcohol, and then the screen went black.
“Ethan? Ethan!” you yelled and slammed your hand on the television a couple of times. “Ethan, please come back!” you screamed, but the screen remained a blank slate. You peered past the tv and saw a long hallway - dimly lit but very wide, like the halls of a school after hours. You stood up from the old, wooden chair and slowly walked down the hallway. As you were walking, someone began walking with you – your grandmother.
You turned to look at her, and with eyes wide open, you wrapped her into your arms. “Grandma, where I am?”
“It’s been too long,” she said as she embraced you. “How do you feel, sweetie?” she said, ignoring your previous question.
“How am I seeing you right now, Grandma? You passed away nearly three years ago… am I…” you trailed off.
“No, no. You’re not dead,” she said grabbing your hand in a loving way to fit with hers. “But how do you feel?” she asked again as you continued walking down the hallway.
“I feel very light… like a feather. With every step I feel better and better. All of my pain keeps going away. It’s such a relief,” you said as your eyes started to fill with tears. “Grandma, what’s at the end of this hallway?” As you looked beyond, all you could see was a very tiny but very bright light.
“If you keep on walking, that will be your eternity. The pain will keep subsiding until you get there, and then it will completely vanish forever.”
“But what about Ethan? Why was he on that screen? Why was he crying?”
“Although you will be pain free, those you leave behind will not be. That was a small glimpse into the future. Now you have to decide,” your grandmother replied, stopping and turning towards you.
“Decide what?”
She grabbed your hand, turned you around, and starting walking back to the grey room where the television was. The pain started coming back to you with sharp pains in your chest and your head feeling heavy. You immediately stopped, and tears pooled in your eyes. “Grandma, it hurts. I thought you said it would start getting better,” you said through your tears almost angry at her for lying to you.
“If you walk towards the light at the other end, everything will get better, and you will pass on. But if you walk back to the room, you can go back to your life. However, you’ll have to live with the consequences and the pain,” she replied solemnly.
“If I go back, will I get better? Can I be with Ethan?”
“Ethan will be waiting for you. If you can make it past the initial pain, things will be far better than you ever thought they could be. You need to decide.”
You looked back to the light at the end of the hallway and said, “I’m so tired of carrying this pain, and I’m tired of wearing out all of the people I love…” You took in a breath as you made up your mind. “Ethan will be okay. He’ll be okay,” you assured yourself in a whisper.
You slowly began walking towards the light again, feeling your physical pain subside… but there was still the thought and pain of knowing the state you would be leaving Ethan in. You fought it and continued walking.
You were mere steps away from the end, the end of all of your pain and suffering, but you couldn’t do it. You couldn’t make yourself leave him like that.
“Grandma, I love you, and I can’t wait to be with you. But I’m not ready to leave Ethan and my parents yet. They need me, and I need them,” you said as tears flowed down your cheeks and dropped to the ground.
Your grandmother smiled back you and wiped a tear. She knew you would make the right choice. “Then go, y/n. You don’t have much time.”
You started walking back to the grey room, the pain intensifying. Your body began shaking uncontrollably, but you forced your feet to move as quickly as they could. Walking, trembling, sweating, tripping - the pain was almost becoming unbearable. You were screaming in agony but began running faster and faster.
Defeated, you fell to the ground. You didn’t think you can bear anymore of this hurt. The room was just ahead, but you couldn’t gather the strength to stand again. You cried and called out for Ethan, “Ethan, please! I can’t do this anymore.” You were screaming in agony still… but you got no response.
You barely pulled yourself back up and stumbled into the room, seeing a black door that wasn’t there before, so you immediately went to the door, opened it, and walked through without a second thought. Peace rushed over your body.
/ / / / /
It was the next morning, and Ethan had fallen asleep in the chair next to you. He woke up to an awful sound coming from a machine that was connected to your arm by a couple of thin wires. He looked at your monitor and noticed that the pulse rate number was dropping quickly, so he immediately yelled for a nurse to come into the room. The nurse came in and called a ‘code blue’ which Ethan knew wasn’t good. She pulled him away from your side and told him to stand out of the way as several other doctors came into the room with the crash cart.
He was crying hysterically by your bathroom door, begging for you to be okay. The doctor shocked you several times before your vitals started returning to normal. With a sharp intake of air, suddenly you were back in the same world as Ethan.
Your breathing was suppressed, but it was finally possible. You grabbed one of the nurse’s wrist and pointed towards your breathing tubes, silently asking for them to be removed. She removed them but stayed near to ensure that you could breathe on your own. After a few breaths, it got easier, and the pain started subsiding.
You scanned the room looking for Ethan, and in half a second, he was at your bedside crying and holding your face. He immediately kissed you although you didn't have the strength kiss back, and your hand found his as a tear of relief fell down your face. All you wanted was to feel him in your hands again.
“We’ll be standing nearby if you need anything. Her parents have been notified, and they are on their way,” the nurses said to Ethan as they exited the room.
“Thank you. Thank you so much,” he said through his tears and smiled at them. His gaze returned back to you, and he caressed your cheek like he had done so many times before when you were unconscious. “Baby, how do you feel?”
You opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out. You tried again and were able to croak an, “Okay,” finishing with a soft smile.
“Oh my god,” he said breathlessly. He pressed his forehead against yours and said, “I was so afraid you wouldn’t wake up. I didn’t want to say goodbye to you. We always swore we’d never say ‘goodbye,’ only ‘see you later.’ I thought I had lost you forever.”
You smiled at him remembering your little quirk and tried laughing which resulted in a pitiful cough. Ethan gave you his water that had been sitting on the table next to your bed and helped you drink it to calm down.
“How,” you barely spoke. You cleared your throat and tried again. “How long was I asleep?”
“A little over three weeks,” Ethan replied.
You couldn’t believe you had been gone for that long. You were surprised no one had given up on you by then. It didn’t feel like you had been gone very long, though. You couldn’t really remember anything except riding in the car with Ethan and a faint dream about your grandmother.
“Sometimes these things just happen,” the doctor spoke to your parents as they walked into the room. Your parents ran to your side and were teary-eyed while kissing you and holding your hand.
Ethan started to step back a bit to give you and your family some space, but you immediately looked at him and grabbed his arm, stopping him. Your hand slid down his arm until it met his hand where he delicately held you. He walked back closer to you and said, “I’m not going anywhere. I was just going to give you guys some time.”
“Stay,” you whispered.
After the emotions in the room dwindled, the doctor started to speak again. “We can’t always explain them, but some call them medical mysteries or medical marvels. Her body is getting stronger by the second. In fact, her vital signs haven’t been this strong since we started her treatments. The cancer may be dying, but we will have to confirm that with tests,” the doctor finished.
You didn’t have much of an attention span to focus on what the doctor was saying, but you noticed your mother start crying again. Now she was smiling ear to ear. ‘Must have been good news,’ you thought to yourself.
/ / / / /
After a couple of hours had passed, the nurses came in to run a couple of tests, and you started to get your strength back enough to have real conversations. You talked to your parents and boyfriend about what you missed while you were gone, and they filled you in on so many things that it was difficult to keep up with.
Your parents asked if it would be okay that they go to the cafeteria to grab some food and bring it back to your room, and Ethan agreed that he would join them. Your parents left, and Ethan gave you a sweet kiss on the cheek and whispered, “I’m so happy you’re here with me again.” You smiled up at him, and he continued, “I’ll be back in just a few minutes, okay?” You quietly nodded to him and watched as he walked out of the room to catch up with your mom and dad.
“He was here almost the whole time. I thought the boy would never go home,” the nurse spoke with a smile on her face.
“Really?” you said a little surprised.
“Oh yeah! He was here constantly talking to you, watching movies on his phone with you, reading to you, doing crossword puzzles… and just about every other day, he’d bring in a fresh bouquet of flowers,” she said pointing to the vase on your bedside table. “You’ve got quite a special man,” she said finishing up your tests.
Your heart felt like it was going to explode but in a good way for the first time in a while. “Yeah… I really do,” you said, smiling.
“He’s in it for the long haul, honey, and that’s pretty difficult to find. Hold onto it for as long as you can… even when the going gets tough,” she advised. “Okay, I’ll give you a little space now and submit these,” she said, gesturing to the blood samples she just took. “They should be back any minute,” she said, leaving with a smile.
“Thank you,” you replied softly.
/ / / / /
Everything that happened over the course of your sickness felt like a bad dream that took too long to wake up from, but when you finally did wake up, it was like nothing ever happened.
When the results from your tests came back, almost all of the cancer was gone. It was exactly what the doctor said it was the day you woke up: a medical marvel. It couldn’t be explained, and that part bugged your parents. They were paranoid that the cancer would come back, and maybe it would. But that wasn’t something you wanted to worry about.
When you first came out of the coma, you only faintly recalled a dream involving your grandmother, but since that day, bits and pieces have been coming back to you. You never wanted Ethan to live the kind of life you saw in that dream, so from this day forward, you would do everything in your power to ensure that he never would… even if you weren’t always there for him.
After a few more weeks and appointments in Jersey, you were finally cleared to move back to LA and live with Ethan again.
“Hey, Ethan?” you asked as you walked hand in hand through the airport.
“Hm?” he replied, looking for the correct gate for your flight.
You squeezed his hand to get his attention. “What would you have done if I never woke up?”
“What do you mean?”
“What would have happened to you? Because the doctors can’t explain why the cancer is all of a sudden gone, and it could easily come back. But what if that scenario doesn’t have a happy ending? I need to know that you’re going to be okay.”
“Honestly y/n, I don’t know… but don’t worry about me,” he replied and smiled.
“But I do worry about you,” you said quietly.
“Why?” he simply asked.
“Because I love you, and I care about you.”
He stopped in the middle of the airport, still unable to find the gate, to give you his full attention. “And I love you. I can’t ever see my future without you in it, and if I ever lost you, I don’t know what would happen. But I have good people around me to help me if that time were to ever come, and hopefully there will be a couple of miniature people running around to keep me occupied anyways,” he said smirking and poking at your tummy. You tried to refrain from blushing, but you had never been successful at that before… nothing was different now.
He wrapped an arm around your shoulder and continued walking with you right by his side. “But,” he protested loudly. “I think we have much bigger things to discuss.”
“Mhm, and what would that be?” you inquired.
“Well, first of all, who gets the window seat?”
“Definitely me,” you said bluntly.
“Fine. I can live with that… but only if you agree to marry me,” he spoke in a deeper, more serious tone. “I don’t have a ring, but I can’t wait any longer. I’ll give you a proper proposal, of course, but I want you to know that I’m in this until the end. I want to build a life with you. I want to spend forever with you. Y/n, I was so close to losing you before I could ever give you the life you always dreamed of, and I don’t want to waste any more time. What do you say?”
“Of course, I’ll marry you. I’d marry you right this second if I could. I don’t need a big proposal or even a ring. I just want you,” you said leaning your head into his shoulder with an uncontrollable smile.
Several months ago, you might have wanted a grand gesture as a proposal, but things were much simpler to you now. As long as you had the people you loved by your side, you would be perfectly content.
/ / / / / End. \ \ \ \ \
Eeeeek kind of an abrupt ending, but it was okay, I think? Honestly, the ending was going to be her dying… so you’re very welcome for not doing that. hahaha let me know what you thought about this please :’) I hope you enjoyed it. xx
So, I wrote all of this because of the following request:
Weird request but What would the Twins be like with someone whos ill? Not cold wise but sick sick. Im sick and i need some fluff in my life
I know you were wanting more of a bulleted list, and I wrote this long ass imagine… so I’ll do the list now 😊
They’d be your biggest supporter and encourager. They wouldn’t ever want you thinking of the worst-case scenario… because you do that too much at night when you can’t sleep.
They’d go to every single appointment they possibly could, and if they couldn’t make it for whatever reason, they would call you immediately afterwards.
They would do anything and everything they could to make you feel completely normal, just like I mentioned in this story. They would take you on just as many (if not more) ice cream dates, movie dates, nice, fancy dinner dates, weekend trips to NYC or to a national park, to the skate park, the beach, the lake, the mountains, the forest, everything.
They’d take such good care of you. They’d make sure you were always taking your medicine (and the correct medicine) at the right time. And they’d always make sure you had enough food in your belly to do so.
They’d hold you in their arms even more-so than before the diagnosis.
They would never let you forget how beautiful and special you are to them and everyone else around you.
On your bad days, they’d let you scream at them even if he did nothing wrong. He’d swallow his pride and let you be angry, because he knows it’s just the harsh things your body is undergoing that are talking.
He’d always make sure you were asleep before he fell asleep, so he could be sure that you wouldn’t lie there for hours thinking about how this story could end badly.
He would just be really, really amazing. He’d never leave your side unless you asked him to. But even then, he’d always come back.
I was tagged by @bb-dolan @nomoregraydays and @tangledolan
Nickname: I feel like recently I’ve gotten a lot of nicknames, but I can never remember them. I do remember meme queen tho haha but also anna belle, little red, and bambino
Zodiac: Pisces
Gender: Female
Height: 5’4”
Age: 18
Time: 1:45pm
Favorite bands / solo artists: Kanye West, Grouplove, Khalid, Kid Cudi, Foster the People, Vance Joy, LANY, Coast Modern, Milky Chance to name a few recent favs
Song stuck in my head: Ultralight Beam by Kanye West
Last movie I saw: American Sniper
Last thing I googled: Residency requirements for the university i’m attending next year
Other blogs: it’s so old and not worth mentioning haha
Do I get asks: Yesss I have a bunch more recently, and it’s been so fkn amazing. I always want more :’)
Why I chose my username: spicydolan was taken, so i looked up adjectives that start with an ‘s’ and chose spiffy 🤷🏻♀️
Following: 162 (I suck at following people)
Average amount of sleep: 8-10 unless i have work... then it’s like 5-6
Lucky number(s): I’ve never had a lucky number... but 83 is always a random number I choose
What I’m wearing: ripped jeans and a big ass hoodie. but i’m in louisiana and its hella hot outside. don’t ask me why i’m wearing this
Dream job: navy seal, something in the cia, or a very successful financial/investment planner. or a stay at home mom/housewife
Dream trip: I want to go to Hawaii so badly right now. But I’d also love to go back to Jackson, WY
Favorite food: açaí bowls at the moment but this is constantly changing haha
Play any instruments: piano and sort of the harmonica
Favorite songs: Ultralight Beam (Kanye West), Waves (Kanye West), Sit Next to Me (Foster the People), and Guru (Coast Modern) are my recent favs
Play(ed) any sport: nah. I ran cross country for a few years though
Hair color: red/auburn
Eye color: hazel/brown
Most iconic song: You’re the First, the Last, My Everything by Barry White
Speak any languages / are leaning: I speak English, and I’m learning Spanish
Random fact: idk if this is supposed to be about myself... I got sun poisoning two summers ago. But if not about myself... Nicholas Cage has done magic mushrooms with his cat before apparently.
Describe yourself as an aesthetic: minimal? that works for me.
I tag: @tidsoptlmist @scandalousdolan @notanotherdolantwinsblog @kiwidolans @milkymilkdolans @heartbreakdolan @tooturntdiyora :’)
How do you think the twins would be with a southern belle from Mississippi. Just wondering. Not like I'm from Mississippi or anything. (I am)
omg I’m from Louisiana. Hey sis :’)
Ok, so I combined this with this request:
What would each twin be like dating someone from the south who has a southern accent?
Ethan:
He’d pick on you anytime you sounded extra southern. He’d always try to mock you, but he’d be so far off and exaggerate it a whole bunch haha
He would love crawfish !!!!!!! omfg I’ve never even thought of this, but he’d always be asking you when y’all can go back to visit your parents and have some crawfish and beignets
He’d also looooove your mom or grandmas cooking, because they most likely are freaking amazing. He’d want them to make extra for y’all to take back to LA for leftovers (you can’t take food into airports tho can you?… anyways)
I think he’d also really like the bayous. It would be something he’s obviously not used to seeing, but he’d want to jump in asap (not thinking about the fact that there are probably a bunch of snakes and alligators)
If y’all visited home during the summer, just imagine how extra he’d be about the heat and humidity
He’d love the fact that you are probably used to doing things outside and getting your hands dirty.
If you consume an unhealthy amount of sweet tea, he’d always tease you and be like “that shits nasty” just because he thinks it’s too sweet. Just typical extra Ethan ya know how it is.
Grayson:
I think there are so many terms of endearment that people from the south use, and he’d love all of them so much. He’d even start saying some of them himself.
I think that you two would pair really well… you’re just both very polite, naive-seeming, and caring/hospitable. (at least the typical southern belle is !)
He’d make fun of you when he first hears you call a washcloth a “rag” (i tried to think of other words that we use in the south… but i couldn’t think of any atm :/ those would apply here too though) (i just looked some up and I found “I reckon” and “over yonder” I think he’d get a kick out of those haha)
I can totally see him always wanting to ride the four-wheeler with you and go mudding or something like that. He’d love the fact that you’d be sitting behind him with your hands wrapped around his waist, your chin rested on his shoulder. aww i want that
I think he’d kinda hate the fact that most of the south is really flat… but I think (it being Grayson) he’d be able to still find the beauty of it and find ways to enjoy it.
I think families from the south are usually really close-knit, and he’d loooove that.
I really think all of these things could fit both boys, that’s why there’s not a whole lot listed for each. But I tried to categorize them as much as possible!
