Revelations
I’ve had many of late and seems to me that the resounding and repetitive answer is you’re just not that attractive anymore. This isn’t a rant or a cry out of pity or attention, this is me. June 29th 2012 was the best day of my life, I met a tall, somewhat drunk woman who was everything I wanted and I could tell we would be together forever. I was wrong, that relationship ended December 2014 by my own hand forcing hers, I’ve learned a lot of lessons as the years have passed but one I tend to forget is to not bite the hand that feeds. She nourished me through intelligent conversation, baby talk, and her love for judging other people. Her presence was intoxicating but as time went on you could tell something was changing, either she was less interested or I was and it only took me losing what i had to realize what that truly was. I miss her every fucking day and every day I have to live with the decisions that led me to this junction in my life. Currently she won’t speak to me and I’m almost positive she’s dead set on staying single for awhile or she’s already “seeing” someone. I just want to speak to her face to face and tell her how sorry I am and ask her if she is happy with herself and where she’s at. She has good friends and an amazing family surrounding her and for that I am envious. Most of my friends have gone, I had a problem with drinking before and it isn’t a problem now but the damage has been done. I have done horrible things whilst drunk and I have burnt a few bridges that will repair slowly or not at all. The fact that the person I loved with all my heart and she loved me with all of hers won’t talk to me is devastating to me and my well-being. I find myself doing well in spurts and not so well in others, I feel as if I am living a double life...I put on a good mask in front of people to hide what truly haunts me and chills me to the core. I do not want to be alone, my father is aging and I can see myself in him and it scares the shit out of me...he’s a loner, a cheat, and he is completely alone drinking himself to death. I want to change to and not become him, I have so much love in my heart to give to my friends and others around me, but that love needs to be satiated and tended like a herd of sheep. If I have no one in my life to give my love to than eventually that love will fade away and I’ll become the bitter man my dad has over the years. I am nearing the age of 30 and still have no idea what I want to do for a career, maybe that is the most unappealing thing about me. I have a job but I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life, I want to come up with some fresh and invigorating to do with my life, anything to get my mind off of her. If you read this Allison, you truly are a lovely person and despite what has happened in the past 2-3 months, I truly appreciate your friendship and patience. There’s nothing I want more than to make you happy, I wish I could turn back time and do things differently, we’d be living together happy with the puppy and I wouldn’t be waking up in the morning picking up my phone, hoping that you texted me. This whole thing seems really pathetic and I have never been like this in my life, I am at my weakest point I have ever been. Before this shit would have never affected me as it does now but as I get older I see time running out for me...29 is not old by any means but I don’t know how I’m going to pull out of this one, I just need someone to help me understand what it is I need to do. John