i was recently asked what i would do if i could pick a way to die and i shall have you know that i have been attempting communication with a small council of hamsters and have formulated my masterpiece.
-first i shall go to the thrift store and buy a really cool hat
-then i shall run to the local YMCA and purchase a day pass for the ever so convinient price of twelve dollars and seventy three cents lightening my wallet down to a measly 6 dollars and twenty seven cents. I shall now give you, the reader, a live retelling of this crucial moment.
my wallet will cry to me "mama mama please" as a comedic fly rises from within. its stealing my thunder so i crush it between my hands in an incredible display of power, startling the lady at the front desk. she blushes, i blushes, be both blorshed as i make a break for the indoor pool. the muggy air chokes my lungs and the sounds of a little kids birthday party can be heard in the distance. I dive into the pool as if i were a mermaid resident of atlantis and land in the water face first arms outstretched producing a large slap that reverberates through the room. (you idiot people from atlantis are already IN the water they don't have to dive).
fully submerged i begin to drink as the tap water in my studio apartment has been a little too #EFE0BB as opposed to the usual #EDF6F7. the lady at the front desk rushes into the pool room and sees me indulging in the sweet sweet nectar of public pool- ohh god it burns... HUUUeCkkk KEHHHuhhghhCk. the front desk lady dives into the pool akin to a middle school swim club silver medalist and scoops me up plopping me down on the damp concrete. she's pushing into my ribcage owww.... owww... and i'm floundering but little does she know i had a batting average of .389 in highschool. she puts her mouth to mine, an outdated practice but welcome one and i can't help but be polite and lay out a welcome mat of regurgitated pool water for her viewing and culinary pleasure. I come to my senses and realize that i have just made intimate contact with another woman before marriage and this simply cannot be. i need to focus so i pull out my 13th grade reading level IQ certificate i got in the fifth grade reminding me of the sheer enormity of my "boca" (that's spanish for brain pronounced bowh-kuh by the way). i turn and gaze upon a case of hit game doki doki literature club themed cupcakes. my soggy clothes peel from the concrete and i stumble over ripping open the container and clawing at the cupcake casting it aside for the true treasure that is the cheap plastic ring lying on top of the plume of frosting. to my disappointment It's all monika and although i am more of a yuri fan i will have to make do. I slobber off the sticky frosting and run over to the still stunned front desk lady and without wasting a breath i get down on my soggy knee. I propose right then and there and to nobody's surprise she immediately accepts. I turn and i greet the mentally unstable child who thought it would be a good idea to have a doki doki literature club themed birthday party in a public pool and get him to thank me for allowing him to bathe in my radiating aura. and as a token of my good nature i hand him my wallet with the six dollars and twenty seven cents and leave my child a final message. "don't worry my little calf, you were never a wallet made of real leather but you were real to me. real cow baby... it's time to moove on." i pick up my new fiancée with one arm and make whooshing sounds like im spider-man and run out the door, returning to my studio apartment, grabbbing my really cool hat and jumping out the window.
my fiancée watches and grabs the notepad on the windowsill i've so generously provided, writing down my final words underneath my self portrait featuring my really cool hat with her very skillful ballpoint pen skills.
