#splendid days

[dare-g]

A Summer to Remember (1960)

[danfarrensfauxhawk]

i lost a follower because of that green day song i reblogged

[spungo-tuppo-blog]

i remember gaining like 1000 followers in one day back on my old blog because of some stupid post about a watermelon

[hybridbattery2]

I'm just writing a little status update on myself, so that I can look back on this in the future and see my past emotions/teach myself to feel comfortable if I'm not at the time.

So, to start off, everything has been going swimmingly lately, and I'm doing what I can to string along with things. First off, I've been working on my own confidence. I haven't talked down to myself, said anything to put myself down, or tripped over my own words/actions in a while. I've only told myself nice/encouraging things as to discourage negative feelings of self hate.

I've been putting things better into perspective too. I see something, or think of an issue or situation in my life, and analyze it in a way that says "will this really matter all that much?", and if the answer is no, I turn myself away from it, and carry on without worry. I think to myself, if it doesn't benefit me, or is only going to hurt me to stick around or get involved, why do it? I guess the practice itself has been leading me to find the courage/strength to say no, walk away, and focus on my own needs, which feels good.

I've distanced myself ever so slightly from people in my school. Not in the way that I avoid all contact--I still talk to people and am friendly, I just don't get attached or too reliant on other human people who I find difficult to trust. I can only think of one person who I've discussed any emotional issues with in the last few months, and they have never hurt me, so I feel they are trustworthy. I don't open up so easily and express my underlying feelings to others, as to avoid relying on them. I only want to rely on myself, thus I keep my social/mental issues between myself and my therapist.

I said earlier that I've distanced myself from people and that I've also been focusing more on what makes me happy. Just because I do this doesn't mean I don't consider others' feelings. I'm not going to disregard someone else's feelings in order to uplift my own... okay. What I mean is I've found a nice balance, where I don't spend too much time trying to fix others' problems. I give advice where it's wanted, console, and then tend to myself. I don't indulge myself or make myself a prime factor in that person's ability to recover or pick themselves up. I make it a point to give that person the strength to pick themselves up, but I don't do it for them.

I've gotten used to trusting myself, and loving myself, and being reliant on myself solely in this world. I know that no matter what, I'll always be here for myself, and I'll always be capable of making myself happy. I can relate to my problems, and I can find a way to make them better. Thus the feeling of loneliness or being in complete solitude isn't as emotionally frustrating as it used to be. You can't completely count on other people to be around you, so you might as well get comfortable when people aren't around, because if you strive to surround yourself with other human beings, you'll be wishing for a little alone time sooner or later.

It's also made the lack of romantic activity in my life much more bearable. I'll be honest with myself and say I have yet to be in a real relationship. I've dated like, two people, and neither of them really cared about me the way I cared about them, and the relationships didn't actually last more than a few weeks (the first one was a major off-and-on thing that never lasted more than like, two weeks at a time). It's for that reason that I've spent a lot more time being weary of other people, and my own emotions out on the battlefield of love. I might think someone is attractive, or find it splendid that someone shares common interests, but just because they might give me special friendly attention, doesn't mean I should immediately give them control over my heart. I made that mistake with my last relationship. Love has become very delicate to me, and I think I'll have to wait a little while longer before I find that true connection with another person where I feel completely comfortable opening up my heart and mind.

I'm very excited for college too. I strive to escape Santa Rosa, and find a new world full of new people and traditions. I'm excited for this, but I'm not necessarily counting the days or anything. I'm taking my time developing friendships with people here in my hometown, and having fun with what I have. But it's no doubt that I'm curious who my new friends will be a year from now. I'm not aiming for love, but I think my first true relationship might have the possibility of happening in college (I hope?) I guess as of now, as to avoid complicating these happy strings of thoughts I have now, I will leave my heart to an imaginary person whom I have yet to meet.

And with that, I say goodnight.

Future Tony, please refer to this post in the future (if you're still using Tumblr) if life gets you down. Make yourself happy, and screw what doesn't. Love, Little Tony.