thinking about Dean and religion, how personal his rejection of faith is
Mom told him that angels were watching over them, but where were the angels when Mom was burning on the ceiling? where was God? either these supposed forces of good don’t exist, or worse yet, they stand idly by while people are suffering
in either case, Dean feels a deep conviction that the world is not a just place. there’s just chaos and random evil. he’s so visibly bitter about it, so hurt by the belief (to him, knowledge) that there’s no justice. there’s no safety. there’s no absolute certainty that what he decides to do in any given moment is right and good. how’s he then supposed to know what to do? how’s he supposed to know when and what it’s okay for him to kill? how’s he supposed to know what to do with Sam if he turns evil? and what is evil anyway if there is no good? if it’s all subjective, he might as well selfishly keep Sam, no matter what he might turn into, but then why does he struggle with it all so much?
if he could only believe in God and angels, in a clear separation of good and evil, everything would be so much easier
(though of course that’s not true, because later with proof of God and angels comes also proof that these beings, too, are fallible and corrupt. their existence just adds a new layer of chaos and mindless violence on top of the old one)
when Sam tells Dean he prays every day, Dean looks like Sam has personally betrayed him—by keeping this crucial info from Dean, yes, but also simply by the act of prayer and faith itself
i think Dean both pities and envies Sam because of his faith