so i think every single person’s connection to dean and sexuality and whether or not he was fearful of it, proud of it, not purposefully trying to hide anything, or purposefully hiding everything is because over the course of 15 years, it’s such a detailed picture to paint so wherever you look, there’s something.
i just personally don’t think it’s a black and white issue if he was out, not out, repressed, supressed, proud, shamed—i think since queer journeys aren’t black and white for a lot of folks, particularly when you’re older (we don’t see a lot of queer stories with older people), his journey isn’t black and white.
and i know some folks may blame writing but i think it’s a blessing, because we each connect with different points in the story we’re given, and then we’re forced to think about his past with a lack of friends, an abusive father (don’t fight me on this, they gave enough context that john was abusive), and a brother who just wanted to get away constantly. like dean was alone.
so i just think it’s hard to just point to dean and his past and current show and go ‘he’s not ashamed of himself and never has been’ or ‘he was afraid of his feelings for cas’ or ‘he didn’t realized he liked men before cas’ because like—because his character is so layered and nuanced, it’s like a dress up game, mix and match what you want to focus on.
i think there is a central story in there that everyone’s iterations comes from, which is: this guy is attracted to guys, he fell in love with this angel who decided to choose a male vessel and stick with it, and he never told said angel he loved him.
other than that? you’re given enough background and context regarding john to make your own conclusions. i’ve made john violently homophobic, and i’m currently writing two stories where he’s generationally homophobic. we already know he was abusive, he thought his father left him and was upset about that, was in the vietnam war which in of itself you can draw so much context from, lost his wife, in this new paranormal world with two boys—it’s not out of the realm of possibility to make john not as supportive or dismissive of his son’s sexuality especially if he’s experimenting while he’s supposed to be hunting, say. you can come up with 9238739349853498 scenarios of john finding out about dean you can come up with the same number of scenarios with a reaction—it’s nuanced. you’re given enough to build a character around.
so we get to dean who’s the same way but with way more information and everyone who looks at him sees something different, and that goes for sexuality. now, there’s no doubt, he likes men as well like that’s clear. it is what it is. but you stick a pin at any point in his life and you wonder what was going through his head at the time. every scenario on the rode, who he’s met over the years (lee), his father before and after sam left, his own romantic relationship attempts, his lonliness, different schools, low self esteem, performative masculinity, meeting different kinds of folks at backwater motels but also meeting gruff, masculine, “hetereosexual” dudes as well out in the country—
literally everywhere you look you can point to a different psychological battle, if he had the time for it, with sexuality. I don’t know about you but being queer at 17 is pretty different than being queer at 30, 40 even.
idek what prompted this rant, and you may not agree which is fine. i was just writing a fic and it would cause me to think about what was going through his head after sam just left and just talking with folks about it i’m like ‘holy shit it’s just so different. i can’t boil it down to just one thing with this guy’
which i find amazing and think it makes for such a long lasting, memorable character.
