just saw a post about this so I'm posting something too-
Jensen ackles no longer being just for the tumblr girlies is low key weird
not because of anything, and its great that he's growing and becoming more popular,, but it's so weird that the dudebros love him now 😭😭 like I wasn't a spn fan til this year, but I only knew him as the supernatural (hot) guy and ?????!!!!
Ik the og dean fans are probably devastated they cant gatekeep him anymore
The first time Jensen told me he loved me, he was hungry.
With a sub sandwich in his hands, marinara sauce and melted cheese oozing from between the doughy slices of bread and threatening to run down his hands, he’d never looked happier. After he’d bitten off a large mouthful, he glanced to the side at me and offered a sheepish grin, cheeks full and eyes bright. “Oh mah gawh, I ‘ove ‘oo,” were the words I heard through the meatball mess in his mouth.
The next time Jensen told me he loved me, he was amused.
I was standing in the motel room set, going through the paperwork I had in my hands to be sure everyone on set who was new had signed one. As I crosschecked my list, I felt eyes on me and turned. With his brow tipped high on one side, and a soft little smirk on his lips, he said not a single word and shook his head. I questioned him with my eyes and a quiet, “What?” He’d shrugged, murmured something about the way I stood, the way I focused when I was in deep thought. He topped it off with, “I love that about you.” It was casual, the way he said it, but I couldn’t help but hold his stare far longer than was normal, smile with him and drink in the warmth he was radiating as he met me in the middle.
The third time Jensen told me he loved me, he was exhausted.
His face was pressed against mine, and we were out of breath. Lips wet, fingers trailing up and down each other’s skin, and lazy smiles lingering on our faces. The long day we’d both had was forgotten, only the moment we were in even mattered. His hand came up to cup my cheek, and as I leaned into it, the words he spoke made me freeze. “I think I’m in love with you.” Our eyes met, and the world stopped its turning just so I could be sure I’d heard him right. A soft laugh left his lips and he repeated his words. “I’m in love with you.” Part of me hesitated; what about work? What if they found out? The other part just didn’t care; and I jumped forward and told him the same anyway.
The fifty-ninth time Jensen told me he loved me, he was cramped.
His back was pressed against a wall in the small supply closet we’d found ourselves in. Giggles bubbled up my throat, and he shushed me with a kiss, his hands grabbing at my waist and squeezing deliciously. I mumbled something about them finding us into the kiss, fearing the moment one of my supervisors, or worse, one of the producers, would discover us making out like teenagers in that dark corner of the production office. He shook his head, and grinned his words against my ear. “Doesn’t matter if they do; I love you too much to stop.” I could only do one thing - bury my face happily into his neck and shoulder and press a soft, loving kiss there.
The sixty-seventh time Jensen told me he loved me, he was angry.
“It’s not just a job, and you should damn well know that!” My throat was hoarse, it ached as I stood across the room from him. His eyes bore into me, full of a rage he couldn’t bottle up. “If we don’t - if, if we don’t,” I had to stop, I couldn’t bring myself to say the words anymore. “This is my career. I cannot. Lose it.” It was everything I’d ever worked for. Everything I held dear. I was shaking. Fists closed tight. No matter how badly every fiber of me wanted to make my way into his arms and fall apart enveloped by the man I loved, I stayed put and broke right in front of him. He stalked across the room towards me, his jaw clenched and gaze hard. Finally, words bathed in anger and heartbreak came spilling out of him, his hands grabbing me by my hands, and then my forearms, and then my shoulders as he spoke. “I love you, but I can’t. I can’t. keep. fighting. for this. When I know all it takes is one word from them and you’ll fold. You’ll leave. I can’t keep doing this.” I stared up at him through glassy eyes, tears flooding my vision. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
The second-to-last time Jensen told me he loved me, he was scared.
Two hours later, we sat on the side of the bed. He was grasping onto me, and I was staring silently back at him, finally all cried out. I felt empty. Numb. The call had come through; the decision from my superiors. I just stared at him. I couldn’t form words. For the first time since I had met him, tears flowed freely down his cheeks without refrain. He was falling apart in front of me. “I love you…I love you. This c-can’t be enough to break us.” But it was our whole life. It wasn’t just my life, everything I’d worked for, on the line. It was his, too. He didn’t care, he wanted so badly not to care. So I had to. For the both of us.
Today, when Jensen told me he loved me, I was broken.
A bustling airport filled with people who didn’t know, and didn’t care, lived and breathed behind us, around us, and above us. They were all a blur. Announcements on the PA and voices everywhere, it all meshed together, sounded like it was under water. Bags rested at my feet. A boarding pass in my hands. I hadn’t breathed in days. The LA production office waited with a job for me; far away from him. From us. I would board that plane empty and soulless; these were the thoughts that rang around in my mind as he stepped carefully forward, as if I was something fragile, that might fly off if he came too close. Gently, his hand came to cup my cheek, and I remained still. He was so beautiful. So unbelievably beautiful, even with the deep, earthy green of his eyes hollowed out by the heartbreak and the days of fighting against the decision that had been made for us. I traced every fine line and coarse edge and soft color of his face into my memory, pleading with everything I had that for the rest of my life, whenever I closed my eyes, he’d be there. Smiling that incredible way he always has. Finally, he let his forehead meet mine, our eyes connected. “I love you.” It was the most simple and beautiful goodbye.
And that was when the dam broke. I could barely muster the words back as sobs overtook everything I had, and he pulled me so tight into his arms, it was like I’d never move again. I struggled for breath and burrowed into his sweater, my entire body shaking, and I could feel his shoulders shake, too. We stayed there like that, grasping onto each other, for as long as time allowed, and then longer. Pulling apart was the hardest thing I’d ever done.
“I love you,” I whispered, still trembling as I picked up my duffel and carry-on. He didn’t move, didn’t know what to say, just watched me as I turned and disappeared into the blur.
The first time Jensen told me he loved me, I didn’t know that he’d be the one. And I had never truly known for sure until I stepped onto that plane.
Tagging my AWSP tags… Let me know if you’d like to be on my Jensen/Dean tag list!
