#spoonoflemon

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Missing Him

Recently, things have progressed and starting from sometime mid-June my normal, university relationship will become a long distance relationship as he does his placement abroad.

Besides mixed feelings of happiness and pride in him and hatred for this situation and sadness for myself; I’m trying to figure out ways to cope and prepare for this awful event in my life.

Furthermore, trying to figure out how to stop calling it ‘this awful event’.

While we’re trying to not see eachother and revise for exams separately, I’m trying not to think forwards a few months and what will happen. But anything can trigger it. 

Currently, I am feeling miserable after seeing the advert for ‘The Big Sick’ on amazon (amazing movie btw, worth seeing!).

I know how I can occupy my brain for most of next year. Work, volunteering, music... though evenings when i am alone worry me. I am a very needy and very touchy person, so the thought of not being able to be needy or touchy is difficult. Even in recent past, being away for too long not only made me think stupid things (’He doesn’t need me’ kinda things), but also made me miss him to the point of feeling physically sick. 

I’m worried about those days and those evenings when these feelings will return and will choke me with grief and sadness. 

How do you cope without being able to touch someone, be in someone's arms, kiss someone, make love to someone? How do you substitute the physical interaction with daily phone calls and occasional visits?

[spoonoflemon-blog]

Library day. Found out my exam time table and currently setting up my deadlines while reviewing DNA replication

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Time and Relationships

I’m an over thinker. Overthinking is something I do. Every thing that happens or is said that enters my head goes though a complicated process that ensures it is over analysed. When it comes to friendships and relationships- this multiplies and often becomes unstoppable. My head tends to spiral out of control till the starting thought has exaggerated out of this planet and solar system. 

I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful guy. We’ve been together for a little over 4 months now. In the grand scheme of things and in comparison to my friends and people I know, this time is insignificant and minimal. 

Every month and week I think: Is now the time when this becomes acceptable to other people? Is this the time when this becomes a serious relationship?

Because it seems that the time together is running slower for me than for other people. Though its been only 4 months, it feels like over a year most of the time. Then another moment, it feels like barely seconds have passed since the end of November. 

Time seems both relevant and not when it comes to my relationship. When it comes to how much I miss him and how attached I have become- it feels like i am a fraud and should not be allowed these feelings to early on. This is when my head spins and thoughts gather on how there is something wrong with me and my way of feeling things. How come my friends in longer relationships don’t seem to miss their significant others as much? How come I have to be the odd one who calls and texts every day? How come I feel guilty for not being able to sleep as well because for (only) the past two months we spend most nights in the same bed?

Time in relationships is stupid.

While preparing for my student placement in Cambridge next year, I cannot ask him to move closer so that we wont have to suffer long distance. It is too early in the relationship for his find a placement around mine and for me to ask this of him. When will it be okay? I suppose around July- when it will be too late and I would have started my new job already. 

Time seems to be our enemy. Everything that happens seems out of place. Every break separates us in the  most inconvenient moment. 

So I end up overthinking it and its significance in my life. 

Is it worth it, for those precious moment when I’m in his arms and this stupid time seems to slow down until it stops?

Definitelly.

[spoonoflemon-blog]

Hello

It feels appropriate that a new blog should be started with an appropriate welcome. This usually being a proper introduction of who I am and why did I find it necessary to write here and now.

But life doesn’t always give you what you want. The old saying ‘When life gives you lemons...’ has a different answer to each person. My favourite ‘make lemonade’ doesn’t always apply to the current situation or feeling. 

Currently I am sitting outside, bathed in unexpected sunshine, in my parents garden in Kent. I’m watching our two dogs and a cat in the garden while my thoughts spin out of control regarding matters I cant control. Various thoughts about relationships, life, time and other mortal matters spin in my mind, while another part tells me to shut up and concentrate on the now and the upcoming second year exams. 

So this is my introduction. A series of thoughts and meaningless statements that circle my head and will be a bit part of this blog-party. Welcome everyone and enjoy the lemons.