#sprig part

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Sprig. Close to Ivy and Zack. Prefers isolation but is slowly getting used to others

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My psychosis is so much worse right now and I dont know why. Its been like this for at least a solid month, I think a bit more. My paranoia is coming in cycles. My visual hallucinations are way bad. Usually I can tell them a part from reality and easily ignore them but lately its been harder to ignore bc they've been looking a lot more real and I've mistaken hallucinations of my cat for the real deal several times. Or have been momentarily confused bc it'll look like an elevator is opening but I can still hear the elevator coming? Just they are getting very real. Ive also had a lot harder time putting emotion on my face. I dont naturally have much emotion on my face so I have to do it on purpose and with psychosis like this it gets so hard its near impossible. Then there's the issue where I'm at stores and my brain refuses to process different packaging or will hallucinate different packaging so I cant tell what version of a product I'm buying. Ive tried telling my professionals but no one is really concerned bc my psychosis just acts up sometimes! But like not likes this? This is new. Ive never had it at this level. Ive only had it at much less or much worse- where it was a danger. I dont know how to cope with what its doing now with it becoming increasingly hard to differentiate from reality but I can still technically function. Its also making my dyslexia a lot worse and school is less than a month away so this is really bad.

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The system decided to give me a name. I started to hallucinate and dissociate and Z touched my shoulder and said I got you Sprig. I asked about it and he said him and some others thought I seemed sad and decided with my tendencies to isolate from people irl and a bit from parts itd be good to gift me a name. I like the name Sprig.

Ive been here for a long time and never had a name. The other parts say I'm protective though I engage in some now unhealthy habits. Im trying to listen that they are unhealthy but I dont trust it. Theyve always helped in the past. I dont isolate as bad as before bc of what they are saying but I dont trust people that way yet. Im more focused on getting us through psychosis and advocating for care anyways. I was thinking about it and I guess I am somewhat protective for the system. Today was the first time they've ever mentioned that. I always just did what I had to do without thinking about it. Its nice to think I did something good even if some other stuff is disputed. Now I have a name. Sprig. Ive already changed my hair color innerworld to green to match. Im very happy with it :)

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I just find it really upsetting that my psych professionals aren’t taking the new developments in my psychosis seriously? I get maybe they don’t know what to do about it but to be like well “we know it tends to get worse sometimes” is just seriously insensitive?? It ignores that this is a unique awful and its like they are just oblivious as to why I would be upset about it. They are acting as if its no big deal and I shouldn’t be bothered. But frankly even if this was the usual bad it would make complete sense for me to be upset bc its gotten so bad before I’ve injured myself and it led to multiple psych hospitalizations. I really hate this blind well you are sick so you should accept this reality and be fine with these terrifying symptoms attitude. I fucking can’t stand psych professionals. 9/10 suck

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I swear I want to delete all of our socials. I feel it balances out having to go to these classes and is only fair. Sil won’t let me though. Literally won’t let me. My arm keeps jerking when I try, My ears are ringing, my head hurts, and everything seems kind of floaty now. Sil may not use a voice but he is one of the loudest, You jnow when he is upset...Alwsyd at least a headache. 

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This feeling has been creeping in the background all week but now its hitting me full force. I think its influence from a part. But I want to quit school. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to see these people. I don’t want to talk to these people. I don’t want to learn this. Not in this setting. I know there is a whole list of consequences if I quit and so many parts will be mad. But I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to go into the career field we have chosen. I don’t want a job where I am required to interact with people everyday. I want to be left alone. A solitary job. Why did we have to pick something that so heavily involves the public? I just want to be left be. Now that I am writing it out I think I am or this is somewhat coming from Sprig. 

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I have the strongest urge to cut off everyone and block the ones that know me best. I am convinced this is safest. But the others are telling me not to. Taking the system into account is irritating

Sprig

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The only hallucinations I like are the DID related ones where I can feel a part putting a hand on my shoulder, hugging me, leaning against, or laying next to me. I'm never confused as to if its real. I know they arent there and never see anything. Usually if I'm touching somebody I'm only ok with it if I engage it and then its not necassarilly great esp not in such familiar positions. This is the closest things to another person touching me without all me being completely aware of it happening beforehand that I'm comfortable with. Which I fully realize just means I'm more comfortable with affection from myself as apposed to other people. I dont care if that sounds pathetic. Its one of few things about this I like and hope doesn't go away.