#st. upid

[needlepiit]

My favourite genre of cedric and omar pics is just them standing just standing

[kittypatch]

[correllian]

[thequestionofme]

[wild-goosechase]

Eully Meets St. Upid 

So tomorrow is the start of the second semestral academic year and anxiety hits me again. Seriously I’m used to it and it’s a part of my friggin life. Maybe this is my life and there’s no way I can run from it. What sucks about anxiety is the uncomfortable breathing thing. I hate it when I have to tap my heart so hard, drink water while closing my eyes (hoping that everything would change after I open my eyes), exhale silently and repeatedly, pretending that everything is okay, overthinking, trembling, and almost ready to pass out. Man, this is crazy!

What sucks more is having a freaking digestive problem which is annoying than dysmenorrhea. I don’t know whether to fight or flight. I can’t tell anyone because I was traumatized by our school nurse last year. I hate myself for going to school clinic, thinking that a school nurse could figure out this frigging anxiety but I was super wrong. What hurts most is that she accused me of acting to have difficulty in breathing because I wanted to escape class and so I could just relax. She asked me what was the current subject if it was Pre-calculus or any math and solving thing. I told her that it was Contemporary Arts subject but still she was not convinced. I knew it. She even scolded me for reacting too much even when it was the emotions I wanted to show.

I hated myself for showing my vulnerability to someone I thought could help me. I still can remember the only teardrop I shed while lying in the bed. I can still remember her face that was trying to manipulate the answer she wanted to hear from me.

Why would I lie to have difficulty in breathing? Why would I skip Contemporary Arts? Why would I want to sleep in the clinic? Why would I show my vulnerability? Why did the school nurse scold me for trusting her to help me?

I couldn’t say that time that I have anxiety because her anger overtook me. The tension was there. The heartbeat was so fast. The trembling hand was hiding behind me.My stuttering voice lost its confidence to talk again.

I think the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there’s no room for the present at all. The past is haunting me. I don’t know what lies ahead. I can’t trust anyone.

It’s so ironic how people show that they care about someone. Like …

“If you or someone you know are experiencing any type of crisis, please know there are people who care about you and are here to help. Consider chatting confidentially with… It might also be nice to listen to inspirational and supportive messages and the like.”

But when you show your signs they’re like “you’re reacting too much”. Wow! What an ironic place the world is.

One thing I’ve learned is that not all is true and devoted to the “help” they’re stretching out. You cannot trust anyone and just show your weaknesses. Sometimes they will just scare you that you cannot trust anyone anymore. This world is full of cruel and rude people. This is St. Upid!