“i hear the wind moaning / like a wounded animal and i’m frightened by dying / things. their failing limbs and mundane stink, / how their desperation makes you complicit. in these / big blue hours i know i have little to worry about. / this is another summer in the rest of my life.”
Katie is far from home and fresh out of college, desperate to skirt adulthood’s demands, and all too willing to let her wealthy boyfriend James make decisions for them both. It doesn’t help that she’s no longer speaking to her mother. Or that her roommate has abruptly moved out of their New York City apartment. But when James takes Katie on vacation to his family’s seaside house, he brings Silver, his childhood cat, and Katie discovers a sudden, strange, and giddy sense of connection.
Silver doesn’t mind that Katie can’t seem to get a job, hold her own at dinner parties, or make amends with her mother. Silver, who gets to lie around all day, misbehave spectacularly, be cute, gross, and still get fed, seems to have the life Katie increasingly longs for. Soon enough, they’re inseparable, and something inside Katie begins to crack open, or maybe just…crack.
Because if Katie has learned anything from her estranged mother, it’s that devotion comes at a price. As Katie’s affection for Silver deepens, all of her other relationships begin to falter. Soon, Katie must confront what it is she desires from her life, and what she might have to risk to get it.
Review:
Thank you to NetGalley for an ARC!
Not gonna lie, I very nearly DNFed this.
The reason I wanted to DNF wasn't because I found the book bad--it was because I found the main character too relatable.
Katie is in her early twenties, freshly graduated from college, and unable and unwilling to get a job. The author perfectly captures what it feels like to have your whole life ahead of you and not know what to do with it. I related a lot with Katie's feelings of powerlessness; she feels like her life is beyond her control, and feels naive and immature compared to her peers, who seem to have their lives put together. These feelings are amplified by her relationship with her boyfriend, James, who is a few years older than her, with more life experience and a well-paying job.
Katie desperately wants to return to being a child, solely relying on her mother's care without the responsibilities of adulthood, but she finds it increasingly impossible, with her estrangement from her mother growing with time. Katie isn't the only one who wants to return to her childhood. Whenever they talk, Katie's mother only wants to reminisce on Katie's childhood, unable to connect with her daughter any other way.
When Katie meets James's cat, Silver, she discovers a connection with it. She finds unconditional acceptance from Silver, unlike her roommate, who wants Katie to pay back the rent she owes, or James, who wants Katie to improve herself. She also relates to and envies Silver. She wants to live dependently like Silver does, yet wonders if Silver feels trapped like she does, unable to make choices for herself.
At about 60% I had to pause reading this for a while, as Katie's feelings mirrored my own so closely it put me in a weird headspace that made me feel worse about my own life.
But I am glad I decided to pick it back up. Katie begins to figure out her relationships, and her character arc as she learns to take control of her life was so well-executed. The messages of the story are clear and easy to understand, but without feeling like the author is working to spell it out to the reader, as the way Katie arrives to these conclusions feel natural and not forced.
Honestly, Katie probably isn't the most likeable protagonist--I'm sure other readers would find her insufferable. But she's the most relatable character I've come across in a while, and her story made me feel a little hopeful for my own life too.
It’s so hot the hornets are drowning themselves.
In the sky clouds hang low and puffy-chested,
reminding me to take in the laundry. I watch
the trees tremble, then in a slip of lightning go inside.
A burst of cool air, the floor’s damp with it.
Leaves are tapping the windows as if pleading
to be let in, unsafe where they belong.
But I don’t want to. I hear the wind moaning
like a wounded animal…
Smearing sunscreen on your body,
I think of all the crevices I can’t reach.
If my fingers were small enough
to know the insides of your ears…!
I push my thumbs into the divots of
your lower back as if you’re made of clay,
ready to shape into my small neighborhood.
Around us the bees are making feast.
I know there is nothing to be afraid of;
even in the sea I can tell your sweat from…