Lmao I wrote a fic for a different pairing/fandom where the characters are 17 and 19, and someone commented questioning it, and I’m like bitch you have no idea…I can expand that age gap by a lot…don’t test me 🤣
Not everyone who sees this will even know who the heck I am, lmao, but that’s fine. Maybe you can appreciate this message anyway.
First, I just want to say hi! It’s been too long, and I am eager to make up for lost time however I can.
Second, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve returned to both AO3 and Tumblr. I’m going to be slowly re-uploading all of the stories I deleted and reblogging my old moodboards as I track them down. The ones I cannot find will probably be re-uploaded as well.
Third, and most importantly, I want to apologize. I know I left a lot of people hanging when I disappeared with no explanation. Friends, mutuals, and acquaintances. I know I worried a lot of them, too. For others, maybe it wasn’t that deep, but just a case of finding my stories on rec lists with broken links or going to ao3 to reread a story and having it be gone. I know there are a couple of people who started their blogs because of my encouragement, and it must have been frustrating to do that only for me to back out and void my advice. There’s several scenarios and dynamics I could list, but it all leads to the same thing: I’m sorry.
All I can say is that at that point in my life, I was overcome with depression, and I thought getting away from everything and everyone was my only option. I genuinely thought cutting and running was going to solve my problems, but only a few months after I deleted all of my accounts and fics (some dating back to 2013 which really sucks tbh), I realized I had made the wrong choice. Leaving solved nothing, and I learned that the hard way.
I can’t get any of the comments or the message threads back, and I’ve missed out on nearly two years of experiences with friends and mutuals, and that’s a consequence I have to accept. It’s also a consequence I’ve inflicted on others. I want to call it selfish, but a few supportive people I’ve been in contact with have assured me it wasn’t. I don’t really know what I think, but I still feel sorry. Guilty too, I admit.
I wanted to come back sooner, and I struggled with this decision for over a year and have talked so many friends’ ears off about it. Mostly what’s kept me from coming back was fear. I thought I was going to be accused of being rude and cruel, and ostracized or something. Maybe that’s a bit conceited to even say because who’s to say anyone even cares? Idk lmao. But, in my opinion, what I did and how I did it wasn’t cool. All that being said, I decided to take a risk and do a “soft return” on AO3, and literally within a few minutes of posting a story I was welcomed back SO WARMLY I wanted to cry. Nobody was mad at me, and nobody was anything but understanding. I am so thankful I can’t even put it into words. I have been so worried about coming back, and I received so many comments that basically told me that it was ridiculous to even consider that I wouldn’t be accepted back.
Thank you for being so amazing, everyone. It has made coming back feel like coming home. I appreciate your understanding and compassion so much that I feel happier and more positive and more alive than I have in a very long time. Seriously. On the other hand of that, there are probably a few people who don’t understand and don’t forgive me, and I accept that too. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have left. I don’t want to specifically reach out to anyone in case they’re not interested, but consider this post me saying I’m open to hearing from anybody who wants me to hear from them.
Lots of love.
I hope you’re all doing well, and Happy Holidays!!!
