Starlight 16
Summary: Amani is an orphaned heiress who’s spent most of her life raising her younger sister. T'Challa is a widowed King and Father. Neither of them is expecting much from their night at the Lotus. But the coming months have many milestones in store for these young adults. Will becoming a family be one of them?
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, miscarriage, depression.
Masterlist || 15 || 16 || 17
“Amani!”
“No Darius please, I’m sorry,” Amani sobbed as she was shaken violently out of her dream.
“Hey, Amani it’s me, entle, it’s me.” T’Challa rocked his girlfriend as tears poured down her face.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Amani wailed as Shuri, Amare, Ada, Okoye, and Queen Mother rushed into the room. “Shuri, Amare, take Ada to the dining room. You all start breakfast without us” Queen Ramonda ordered, helping to quiet the woman in her son’s bed. “Is Mani going to be okay?” Ada fretted as the two young adults led her out of the room. “She’s okay, she just had a bad dream,” Amare reassured, secretly grateful that T’Challa and his family were there to help shoulder the load of Amani’s night terrors. They started after her first rescue from Darius’s crutches and had faded after the older Okeke met T’Challa, but 3 months after the second attack they began terrorizing her sister again.
“Honey, breathe baby, breathe,” Ramonda soothed as her son continued to calm his girlfriend silently with his hand on her back. Almost an hour later, the king was alone once again with his sleeping girlfriend. “Kumkani,” Okoye knocked apologetically. “We are already two hours late, we must leave soon.”
“Where are you going?” Amani whispered. “I have some business in the mountains with the Jabari. I will be back before dinner. I promise.” The king caressed Amani’s cheek as her face visibly fell. “I understand,” she nodded. “I will be back as soon as I can.” The king slid from under her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“Do you ever stop and think about how much your life is like coming to America now?” Amare asked her sister as they laid together on her and T’Challa’s bed. “Not really. I mean I guess it is.”
“It totally is, and I’m so happy for you Amani. You are amazing.”
“No, I’m not.” The older sister waved away her sister’s words. “Yes, you are!” Amare rolled onto her side. “You finished raising me. Took me in during your last two years of college. Survived an abusive relationship, a kidnapping, two miscarriages, and you still are able to put a smile on Ada’s face. Everyone’s face. You are extraordinary.” Amare laid back down and took her sister’s hand in her own. “Thanks, kid,” Amani offered a small smile and squeezed her sister’s hand.
“We should get ready for dinner, T’Challa should be back soon,” Amare teased and pulled herself up from bed. “You go ahead,” Amani waved her sister on. “I’ll be there in a second, I’ve gotta use the restroom.”
Amare nodded before heading out of the room.
“My love, are you still in here?” T’Challa knocked on their bedroom door before entering to find it quiet. “Amani?” The king began to panic slightly as he moved through the space before he heard a groan from the bathroom. “Entle?” he pushed open the bathroom door to find the love of his life hunched over the toilet. “Are you alright,” he sat down on the floor and pulled her into his arms.
“I’ve been throwing up all day. I don’t know what’s wrong,” Amani sighed and snuggled into his scent. “Did it start today?”
“No, it's been a few weeks,” Amani mumbled. “Did you take another test?”
“No, I just lost a baby T’Challa, I don’t even want to think about having another one.”
“Amani, there’s no way you could be pregnant with a new baby right now.” T’Challa reminded her with a slight grin on his face. The heiress looked up in fear, “T’Challa you all said that they told you I lost the baby,” Amani sat up from his hold. “They did, but maybe it is worth having a second opinion here in Wakanda.”
“I don’t know T’Challa.”
“I know we don’t want to get our hopes up but it is best to know. Will you at least go for me?”
Amani sighed and nodded. She watched as a grin grew on her lover’s face. He looked so happy and she couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to know if her child was still living. Maybe it was easier to live with its ghost than the responsibility of having to keep it alive for six more months. She was exhausted enough trying to heal herself, she didn’t know if she could handle taking on another person’s baggage.
“My dear, are you alright?” The lunch table went quiet as Amani cleared her throat. “I’m okay, just a little tired.” Amani offered a small smile as Madiyson and Sakura eyed her suspiciously. “When does Marquis arrive?” Amani deflected the conversation back on to Madiyson and her boyfriend’s impending arrival. “He said at 4 this afternoon.” The former waitress smiled. “You think he’s gonna pop the question while you all are away together this weekend?” Shuri teased.
“I don’t know,” Madiyson blushed. “I am just excited to plan a baby shower.” Amani’s best friend smiled and rubbed her small bump. The king glanced at his girlfriend and squeezed her hand. The other occupants of the table looked on in pity as T’Challa leaned over, “Have you heard anything from the doctors?”
Amani fought back the bile in her throat and shook her head quickly. “Please,” she addressed everyone and the other future mother, “It’s okay to talk about babies. I am so excited to be an auntie,” she reassured everyone before glancing back down at her plate. The rest of breakfast went by no easier. Conversations about baby due dates, genders, engagements, and color schemes continued with everyone tiptoeing around the questions on eggshells. By the end of the ordeal, Amani was mentally drained and the family felt like they’d run a marathon of words around everyone’s feelings. Barely holding it together, the heiress quickly excused herself to the gardens to be alone.
Once she felt sure that no one had followed, a sob ripped through her chest. It’d been a week since she’d agreed to get a second opinion in Wakanda, two days since she’d convinced the doctor to let her tell the king, and ten minutes since she’d last lied to T’Challa about having the results. Her heart broke a little more every time she lied, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to keep this child. It went against everything she’d believed about herself in the past, but quite honestly, the cloud that hung over her day in and day out was large enough to make her question the safety of her child if it stayed with her.
“This was always my favorite spot to cry as well,” Amani looked up embarrassed as Ramonda joined her in the garden. She wiped her face and offered a small smile. “Please, don’t stop on my behalf. I am just here to provide some comfort if I may,” the queen joined the southern girl on the bench. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Amani cracked a few minutes later, tears streaming down her cheeks once more.
Ramonda said nothing but pulled her closer. “It’s just like there’s this dark cloud hanging over me and I just can’t get happy. Like I should be over the moon right now-”
“Why do you think that?” The queen interrupted. “My best friend is having a baby, she could be getting engaged, I’m having a baby-”
“You’re having a baby?”
Amani felt a knife twist in her heart, she’d wanted T’Challa to know first. “I just found out. I wasn’t feeling well so T’Challa arranged for me to get a second opinion and surprise,” She exclaimed half-heartedly.
“But you’re not sure if you want to go through with the pregnancy?”
Amani sighed and shook her head.
“Does T’Challa know?”
She shook her head again, “I want to tell him, but he’s so excited. It would break his heart to hear that I don’t know if I’m going to keep the child.”
“You know, I am hearing a lot about others and very little about how you feel.”
“I just, I don’t know if this baby is safe with me,” Amani admitted reluctantly. “Amani,” the queen turned to look her in both eyes, “Have you been having thoughts about-”
“Please,” the girl begged, “I have but I can’t. Please don’t say that aloud.”
“If you have been thinking about ending your life my dear, we need to talk about it.”
Amani began crying once more, “ It terrifies me. I’ve only felt like this once and I vowed I would never go back there, and here I am and-”
“You do not owe any of us an explanation. There is no way we could imagine what you’ve been through.” Ramonda pulled the young girl in for a hug. “I would like to get you some more help though. Perhaps some that can only be found outside of the castle walls. Just think about it please my dear. As much as I want this grandchild, I want you here safe and sound to raise it.” Ramonda hugged her daughter in love and wiped a stray tear of her own.
A few minutes later she interrupted the comfortable silence that had formed, “Now, make whatever decision feels right for you, but you need to tell the child’s father. My son deserves to know. Not just about the baby, but everything.”She looked into the young woman’s eyes. Amani sighed and nodded. She could no longer avoid the inevitable.
“T’Challa, can I talk to you?” Amani fumbled with her hands upon entering her boyfriend’s office. The moon shone through his large windows and her heart fluttered as he looked up and grinned. Some of the strain of the day melting away as he laid eyes on her for the first time since breakfast this morning. The heiress’s stomach churned after, the feel of acid rising in her throat as the thought of what she was about to admit out loud to her child’s father. The king looked so ethereal, surrounded by the pale glowing halo of the moon. Who was she to deny him the chance to be an amazing father once again? “Amani? Are you alright?” the rich baritone of T’Challa’s voice pulled her back into reality. “Yeah, I’m-,” She couldn’t do this. The prospective royal felt her emotions frantically backpedaling. What’s the worst that could happen? She’d have the baby, T’Challa would continue to love them both and, sure she would probably continue letting him down but she could make him happy at least this one last time.
“My love?” the king called out once more. Worried and intrigued by what was distracting the usually laser-focused woman in front of him. “Huh? Oh, It’s fine. Nevermind. I shouldn’t have come it was stupid.” Amani backtracked and turned to head out of the door. “Hold on,” The king quickly reached out to pull her back to him. “You came all the way down to my office this late at night for something stupid?”
“It’s nothing really,” Amani hid her face knowing that she was a terrible liar when T’Challa was involved. “Okay, come on,” the king pulled her over to his desk and onto his lap. “What’s going on? Did you get the results from the doctor?” T’Challa’s face brightened once again at the prospect of knowing whether or not he should be expecting another child soon. Amani felt her heart tear in two. Tears began streaming down her face before she could stop them. “Oh,” T’Challa’s face fell,” Oh my love come here. It is not over yet okay. We will get through this. We’ll give you time to heal and if you want to, in the future once we’re married and Ada is a little older we can try again-”
Feeling her emotions getting the best of her, the former waitress decided to just blurt it out. “I’m still pregnant.” The king’s face contorted in confusion, waiting for Amani to explain the heart-wrenching sobs that were beginning to hiccup their way out of her throat. He rubbed her back in silence until she calmed slightly under his touch. “You were right, I never lost the baby, but I’m not sure that I still want to have this child T’Challa.”
Even the moon seemed to lean closer to the window as the king let out a low whistle. Amani allowed the silence to linger for a while longer before nervously ushering it along, “Please say something T’Challa.”
The monarch ran a hand over his head before hoisting her back securely on his lap, “What do you want me to say Amani?”
“I don’t know. I mean. I don’t. I’ll just go-” She stood sadness lacing every movement.
“Did I ask you to leave Amani?” The king stopped her.
“Please stop thinking that when things get hard I’ll want to leave or that I want you to leave. I love you and that means I want to know what you are thinking at all times. I want us to talk through this okay?”
The American woman nodded as tears pooled behind her eyes again. “Okay,” she nodded as T’Challa helped her to take a seat on the elevated window seal. Once he joined her he took a moment to study her face. “What’s really going on. You adore children.”
The king wiped the newly emerging tears, remembering how sensitive Nakia was during her pregnancy as well. The slightest thing could set her off crying. Or screaming. Usually crying. “I don’t think this child is safe, T'Challa.”
A fire sizzled across the father’s features, “Darius is dead, and you know I will do anything. Anything to protect you two.”
“I know T’Challa, but it is not an outsider I am afraid of.”
“What do you mean? Has someone here threatened-”
I don’t think this baby is safe from me T’Challa. Lately, I’ve been-” Amani gulped, not ready to admit this out loud again for the second time today. “I have been having visions and daydreams about killing myself T’Challa. I can’t stop them. It’s like I'm doing, well okay at best and then they just appear. Out of nowhere.”
Tears warbled her lower lip as the king grappled with the words that had just left her mouth. “I- I don’t even feel safe from myself and I’m struggling every day to keep myself alive. The thought of adding another person I’m responsible for to the mix. It’s just too much. It’s too much T’Challa.” Amani felt the dam of her emotions crumble and she succumbed to the flood. T’Challa pulled her in close after she let the pain of her secrets flow. He knew that she had not seemed like herself lately, but he presumed it was just post-traumatic stress from her ordeal. He knew he should have pushed harder for her to seek professional help after, but she insisted she just needed time. Now she was here in his office sobbing. Admitting to having thoughts about killing herself and by consequence, their first child. For the first time in a long time, T'Challa Udaku was terrified and he had no idea what to do about it.
He hugged his girlfriend even closer as he thought about the engagement ring that was tucked away in the royal armory. He knew this was not the most appropriate time to think about needing to cancel his plans for them this Thursday but it helped keep him rooted to earth in a moment where he wanted nothing more than to spiral like the woman on his lap. Cancel engagement dinner. Consult with Diyna, head priestess of the temple. Cancel and postpone all meetings tomorrow. Find mother. Scratch that. Get Amani safely to their room and message his mother that they needed to talk as soon as possible. Pray to Bast that Okoye and Mother are not sleeping. He created a mental checklist and sighed. He had a plan of action and all he needed to do now was follow it.
Amani woke up hours later, the moon still making its slow descent across the sky. T’Challa was nowhere to be found even though she knew he’d been there when she fell asleep. Something pressed against her bladder and she sighed, moving to head to the bathroom. Her feet touched the cold stone and she groaned hoping to shuffle quickly to the bathroom and back. As her foot went to take the next step a familiar searing heat electrified her body. Her face twisted in horror as the events from years ago began to repeat themselves. “No, no, no, no please,” she chanted over and over as she sank to the floor. Her steady plea turned into a gut-wrenching wail as her second child passed over to that great beyond without her. With it went the last shreds of her sanity.
It'd been three weeks. The king paced the corridor outside of his daughter’s room. 21 days and he still had not found a way that felt appropriate to comfort his wife. The news of this miscarriage tore him apart more than he could ever begin to show, but Amani had lost it. She insisted it was punishment for having doubts about keeping their miracle baby and no matter who tried to reassure her, she wouldn’t believe anything but that she was responsible. She’d withdrawn from everyone including the monarch who finally decided to knock on Ada’s door. He made his way into the room only to be shushed by Amani, who was rocking the soon to be 6 year old to sleep. “Shh, she’s sleeping,” she crooned, watching as Ada’s chest rose and fell.”
T’Challa walked over squatting before her, heart breaking at the sight, “I know, but I was hoping to talk to you.” Amani tore her eyes from Ada to look at his chest avoiding all eye contact. She hadn’t looked him in the eyes in days. The specialist from the center thought it was a sign of devaluation. She no longer felt she was worthy of T’Challa being her partner. It was the most absurd thing he’d heard in his life. If anything, he owed her the world. “Why?” Amani uttered, turning her gaze back to the sleeping Ada. “I can’t leave the baby,” she reminded and the king nodded, looking at his school-age child in her lap. “Just for a moment,” he waved Okoye into the room. “Okoye will watch her for you.”
A few beats passed before the mother nodded, allowing Ada to be handed over to Okoye. The warrior and T’Challa breathed a sigh of relief as the king was able to lead Amani out of the room and into the hallway. “Did I mess up again?” the woman mumbled once the door was shut, separating them from Ada. “No,” the king reassured, “But I want to get you some help. So you can feel better. You’re tired and barely eating.”
Amani remained silent and the king took it as a sign to continue, “Please think about it.”
He handed over a brochure and the older sister gingerly flipped through it. For the first time in weeks, something other than Ada brought a slight smile to her face. “I thought you might like it.”
“They can help me feel better?”
The king nodded and Amani flipped through the pages once more. “What about the baby, I can’t leave her. She-”
“Will be fine.” The king reassured. “Let me take care of her, I just want you to feel better okay?”
Amani started to shake her head before letting her shoulders sink and she sighed. “Okay.”
“It’s just a month okay?” Amani hugged her little sister who had tears in her eyes. It’d been two days since she had agreed to go to a therapeutic rehabilitation center. Yesterday, T’Challa had called and luckily they still had a spot available for Amani to join them. She couldn’t deny that fear was grating on her nerves, but there was a little ember of hope burning. Maybe soon, she’d feel better than she ever had. The prospect excited her. She squeezed Amare one last time before hugging her two best friends and Ada one last time. She’d already hugged Queen mother and Shuri goodbye as they had agreed to sit in on T’Challa’s meetings so that he could escort his beloved to the center.
“Wait, someone is missing?” Amani froze looking over the people she loved who had gathered to see her off. “You said goodbye to Ada this morning,” Amare sniffled and Amani couldn’t help but pull her into another hug. This was the first time the older sister would be leaving the younger one since their parents had passed. “I know,” the business owner thought back to the tears that had defined her morning as Ada was reluctant to let her go. It had been a miracle T’Challa had convinced her to go to school at all. Though, Amani couldn’t deny that the fact that she would be missed did warm her heart.
“I meant my niece or nephew,” she smiled softly and pulled Madiyson and her prominent baby bump into a hug. Soon, they’ll be here in person for me to meet.”
Everyone looked on slightly in shock, none more so than Madisyon who had avoided showing her friend her bump since the incident a month ago now. “What?” Amani pulled back and blanched, hoping she hadn’t said anything wrong. “Nothing, I- we should get going so we can check in on time.”
Amani nodded and smiled at her family once more before allowing herself to be helped into the car. It’s only for a month,” she sighed as the car pulled away from the curb. Fighting back tears as she watched her family disappear. She hoped this month went by quickly so that she could come home, a stronger person. Ready to embrace all of the new changes that were coming her way. For the first time in months, a full-blown smile graced her features and she squeezed T’Challa’s hand. The world seemed just a bit brighter, even if only for a moment.
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