#starperson

[grumpywaterfalls]

The Stiff Heart Questions

The Stiff Heart Questions by starperson

Overwatch

Length: 13,427 (complete)

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Reaper/Soldier:76

Warnings: Mentions of child physical and psychological abuse

Author Summary: 

"John Morrison dies on an August evening in 2066. It’s midnight in Zurich when his son gets the call."

[stapersunn-blog]

Me has never and will never mean you.

Me is not you. It is not the inkling of our forever that you cut in half. It is not waiting for you to realize that I was there always and you were there sometimes. As if sometimes somehow meant always and now I’m getting my adverbs mixed up. Because if forever meant sometimes, then why the hell did you say it to me like it meant for the rest of time? Maybe it’s you who got something mixed up. I can believe that. Maybe you thought the rest of time meant that there was a pause or rest somewhere that was supposed to happen at one point or another. But that can’t be right because you didn’t pause. You ended. And if you look at that phrase in a different way, I guess I could see where you got that from. Until the end of time. But you see, you didn’t say that. You said forever but don’t you know that forever has synonyms and that the end isn’t one of them? Don’t you know that time is not something that you can just dispose of like a wristwatch? Time is everywhere, all day, constantly, forever. Those are synonyms. An inanimate construct is smarter than you. Congratulations. To me. It took all of this heartbreak for me to realize that I cannot rely on other people to make me happy. That I just have to be happy and let the rest of me figure out what that means in the process of healing. I thought that having you would make my life perfect. That not having you would be unbearable. But I was lying to myself. I’ve been lying to myself for a while now. For a small but gigantically important part of my life, you were there for me. All the time, every day, every moment, in every way. And that’s when I wanted you the most. I tricked myself into thinking that you were like that for the entire duration of our friendship but you weren’t. You weren’t always there for me like I was for you. And I let it slide because you were sweet and because you said all the right things. I don’t think there’s anything you can say to me now that would make me feel bad for you. And I do feel bad for you. You were incapable of telling me the truth and you knew it was leading me on. And you don’t have the guts to own up to it now but I hope that one day, you’ll learn how to tell the truth and stop avoiding your real feelings. Because I’m letting you go. For good. And this is for me. Because I spent a long time thinking that me was you. But me is not you. Me is me.

[indigochildrensupport-blog]