#starrydustedwinter's rambles

[starrydustedwinter]

Where will I be?

I wonder every now and then,

Once I pass away, where will I be remembered?

Is it in the books I left behind, the chocolate wrapper I still hadn't thrown away, my blanket left unfolded, my messy ledge beside my bed?

Or is it in the mundane things, the slippers that are always on my feet, the sweater I always wear, the seat at the dining table that is mine as an unwritten rule, the glasses that I cannot see without, the lip balm I always wore?

Or is it outside, in the little stair I skip whenever we pass along it, the cat I always cooed at, the boba shop I always pointed at, the moon that took much space in my gallery?

Is it in the stationery section in every shop, the strawberry milk that I always buy, the cashier that I smile to who's name I don't know, the old man with his cane that I hold the door for?

Is it in the sport cars that pass by, the group of bikers that I marvel at, the mountains that I point at, the seat in the car where I sleep at, the music I always hum?

Is it in the expression I make when I hear something stupid, the sigh that leaves me whenever I need to do a chore, the way I laugh at everything mildly funny?

In what do I live through once I pass?

Is it in the big things, the grand things?

Or is it in the small, the mundane?

Or do I not live at all?

-starrydustedwinter

[starrydustedwinter]

Winter Warmth

(Yes it's cheesy. Fight me)

The absence of warmth beside me awoke me from my peaceful sleep. I stretch and crack a few knuckles here and there, my hands brushing against the softness of my sweater, one my own mother knit. Not for me, but for my boyfr- fiancé. Fiancé. The word itself makes me kick my legs and giggle like a baby seeing her favorite toy. I trace the cold metal on my ring finger. It will take time to get used to the new jewellery but it is a stranger I welcome.

I look out the window by the bed to see the snowflakes gracing the season. First snowflakes. I sit to place my crossed arms on the ledge, settling my head comfortably between it, gazing at the white stillness of the weather. Who would believe that it rained just yesterday? Rain. The rain we were running around and dancing. The rain he proposed in. His choice of weather to propose in might seem out of place for some, but he knew that was the perfect moment. God I wanna relive that moment again and again.

I let out a happy sigh, as the door creaked open. In came my boyfri-fiancé. God, it's gonna take a while to get used to that. I can't wait until it's 'husband'. He comes in with a tray with streaming food that smells oh so good. I tilt my head to look at him, smiling

"Hi".

His eyes lighten up when he sees me awake, returning the smile, his smile that I wish to keep safe forever.

"Hi"

he says in that deep and comforting voice of his. He places the tray on the bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed beside. He moves a strand of hair from my face to behind my ear

"Did you sleep well?".

I nod smiling. He picks my hand up placing a kiss on my knuckles

"Good"

and places another kiss in my palm. I sit up more straight cupping his face, caressing his cheeks that holds the stars in the sky as those scattered freckles. He place the back of his hand on my forehead and hums, satisfied

"I was afraid you would catch a cold".

I place a kiss on his nose,

"You worry too much. I'm not a little lamb"

"You do sound like one".

I push him by shoulders, the bed creaking beneath us.

"I should buy a house before we wed."

"Why? This one's perfectly fine. You've been living here for long"

"Do you not hear the way the bed creaks?"

"You can just change the bed. Why the whole house?"

"It's not gonna be just me from now on. I can't have my wife live in this shabby house-"

"Fiancé-"

"-future wife" he pinches my cheek.

"You look like you fought with the crows" he muse, ruffling my hair.

"You plan on marrying this scarecrow".

He smiles and pulls me into a warm hug, my head laying on his shoulder "my love, no matter scarecrow or lamb, I'm marrying you because you make me whole. Without you, I'm no one. You make my heart beat so hard I'm afraid it might just burst and yet I am so fond of you that I will welcome it with open arms. Everything I lack, you fill with your wonderful self. If you were a religion, i'd worship you every breath I took. I love you and there's nothing that will stop me from loving you, my other, better half."

He always has his little speeches that I'll never admit, I adore. "You are far too dramatic."

"Only for you. I love you"

"I love you more"

"I love you infinity"

"I love you more than that"

"You can't do that"

"Yes I can"

"Stubborn scarecrow"

Our laughter echoed through the walls of that house, laughs that will ring for years to come.

-starrydustedwinter

[starrydustedwinter]

To my Sister

I saw the world before you did. Experienced all our parent's love before you did. After six years of fun without you, you wanted to barge in. Take all the attention that was mine. I hated you the moment I heard you were coming. I started hiding all my toys even when you were still in our mother's belly.

But when you came, all my hatred left like it was never there. You looked at me with those doll eyes and grabbed at my hair with those chubby fingers. The moment I saw you I knew you'd take all the attention away and I would let you.

Six year old me planned our whole future, you know. I would teach you how to ride a bike, how to braid your hair, how to shave dad's beard, how to stop the neighbour's kid from taking our toys and more. I was gonna teach and show you everything.

But in just two years you left me. In just two years you shattered all my dreams. In just two years. I didn't get to teach you to ride a bike. You didn't stay long enough to learn how to braid your hair. You didn't stay. Suddenly my future I envisioned with both of us felt empty. It was filled with colors and happiness but without you in them, it looked dull and dead.

But time didn't wait for you. It continued ticking in my life even without you. And so I grew up. Graduated highschool without you in the audience clapping for me. Finished military school without you there to tap me out. Walked down the aisle without a flower girl because that role always was and always would be yours. I miss the sleepovers we never had. I miss the gossiping that never happened. I miss my son's aunt who wasn't here to see him. I wish you were. Yours forever, older sister.

-starrydustedwinter

[starrydustedwinter]

Procrastination

My legs dangle by the ledge, my eyes graced by the vast and never ending lights of the city. The city never sleeps yet my head feels quiet, calm even, though my thoughts are anything but.

I've been here before. I've walked through the alley with the vandalized walls. Passed the homeless man who sleeps all day, yet awakens in the night. Jumped through the cracked window of a broke down buliding and climbed the tiring flight of stairs. I've walked along these and climbed over to sit on the ledge.

I've done this before. Far too many times. I don't know if that's a good thing or not anymore. On one hand, I change my mind everytime. On the other, I have the urge to end it all again and again. It's wrong to say, but it feels like a routine now. I don't know who to turn to. Or actually I'm scared of what they might say. That I'm being dramatic, that I'm too spoiled, that I'm too sensitive, that I'm only like this because I haven't experienced true pain.

It's not wrong. There are people worse off than me. But does that mean my feelings are any less important? That I don't deserve to feel just because it's not as strong as another? That just makes me wish I had it even worse, just so I could feel without guilt. But alas, I'm too lucky.

The chilly wind hits, and I'm cold yet again. I've done this before yet I still haven't learned. I know I'll regret it if I give up. I know the moment I let go, the fall will be filled with regret. Because I know there are those who care, those who will cry. But, what am I supposed to feel when those same people make me feel like this too? They cause me harm but I know they love me just as much. And that changes my mind again.

A text. "Heat the curry up before eating or you'll get an upset stomach". I smile. Because this is what I always do. I stand up. Seems today's not the day either. I turn back, ready to walk back down those stairs again. Because today too, I have decided to procrastinate and keep this life for some more time.

-starrydustedwinter

[starrydustedwinter]

When we grow old...

We love to say, 'when we grow old'.

When I grow old, I want to be a cat lady in my little cottage house.

When I grow old I want to be rich and live in the tallest building.

When I grow old.. When I grow old..

But will this world let us grow old?

Will they let these children grow old?

When people in power only want children in their beds or six feet under, will they let us grow old?

When they trade the blood of the young for oil and gold, will they let us grow old?

When we have dreams too ambitious, too bright for their souls, will they let us grow old?

When we're raised to be righteous, to be smart, to be bold, will they let us grow old?

No. No they won't.

- starrydustedwinter

[starrydustedwinter]

Embrace nature

They tell children to embrace nature.

To plant trees and keep the world clean.

To get back the childhood where we thrived in the woods,

where you were one with the animals.

But what if the child never grew up climbing trees?

What if instead of the guiding light of the moon, the child was led by artificial lights on a screen?

Then can we tell the child to embrace nature when it is as foreign as the dark space around us?

Or what about a child who grew up surrounded by rubble and debris?

When the only light leading them is the missiles falling on everything they love.

When the light is just the fire burning at their skin.

When instead of climbing trees, they only climbed over piles of limbs,

and instead of looking for mangoes to pick, they're looking for someone to call home,

someone alive, someone not cold to the touch.

Can we ask that child to embrace the world when the world has only taken from them?

Could be blame the child for wreaking havoc and causing destruction when that is what their childhood gave them?

Would you tell the child to embrace nature when nature to them is rubble and blood and broken bones?

-starrydustedwinter

Thanks @pixopix for dividers!

[starrydustedwinter]

Something Human

I walk inside the apartment,my hand gripped on my gun just in case. Breaking into homes have gotten easier after all these years. I check each room, listening in for gurgling sounds that still sets my nerves on edge.

After making sure the whole place is free of any undead, I let out a breath and slump on the couch. I look around again from where I'm sitting, this time not for danger, but to the state of the place. It's clean. Calm. Like it doesn't know of the chaos outside, untouched by those which can't be considered life anymore. The blankets are folded , the chairs pushed in. The only sign of it's abandonment being the rotted food and and the dust that has settled in. Better than most homes though. Homes that are covered in blood and bodies, bodies of those who can't even be given a proper burial. I get up and walk to a room, presumably a child's. There's toys in a corner, and a table full of books and stationary. I suppose they were out when the chaos ensued. That's why the place is still... Full of life. Toys that have been played with, books that are drawn in, clothes that have only seen the better days. It's like the memories are kept intact in this little home. The blanket isn't folded in the kid's bed. I wonder if they knew that they couldn't come back to fold it. That they couldn't come back to play with their toys. That they couldn't come back to bring life to this horrid world again. I shake my head. Seems my thoughts are getting glum along with the world. Maybe this little family is safe. Maybe they found a bunker. Maybe. I look out the window, the streets crawling with those who used to be full of humanity. Now there's barely anything human about them. I slump down the wall, pulling my legs close to my chest, burying my face in my knees. I can't stay here for long, I need to move to someplace again soon. I know that. But I just wanna be apart of this calm for a while. Be a part of something human just for a while. Or I'm afraid I'll forget. That I'll forget that I also am human. Until the bite on my shoulder devours me.

-starrydustedwinter

[starrydustedwinter]

A Ghost In Spring

As spring adorns the land with flowers, she adorns my hair with the lightly scented lillies. She's been at it for hours, carefully weaving each one into the strands of my dark hair. She said the lillies look like stars in my hair.

I don't see it, but if she does then who am I to complain? Her touch is so soft and gentle it almost feels nonexistent. I look up at her eyes. They feel lighter. I remember them being darker, more vibrant. Her lips look more pale. She entirely looks lighter, in the colour sense. She almost looks... Transparent. Is it the calm situation? The quiet atmosphere? "Helia." She doesn't look at me. Doesn't answer me. "Helia look at me." She smiles. As if she knows. As if she sees my confusion. "Helia, what's going on..?" I get up and try to touch her hand. But I can't feel her hand. My hand falls through. "Don't question it love... Just enjoy it while it lasts.." She whispers. It almost feels like she's fading. "What..." I breathe heavier. Panic, confusion. "You know I'm not here... You know I'm gone..." Gone? What does she mean? She's right here. Isn't she? "Helia what are you talking about..." She fades some more. Screams, tears and blood flash before my eyes. Memories. Memories I'd suppressed. Memories that I wish didn't exist. I close my eyes shut, trying to forget what can't be forgotten. I open my eyes to confront her, tell her it isn't true, but she's gone. She's truly gone. The lillies in my hair nonexistent. She disappeared and she took my spring with her. Never to be seen again.

-starrydustedwinter