𝒸𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓉𝓊𝓇ℯ ℴ𝒻 𝒽𝒶𝒷𝒾𝓉
i had a dream last night that everybody at my school would forget who i was and believe i was a new student
i didn’t talk to anyone until olivia c leaned over across the table and said “who do you like?”
i said the name of the boy that broke up with me even though he didn’t remember it now
and i wondered why i wanted to make the same mistake that put me through so much pain
if i dated him again, everything would go exactly the way it had
later that day i went to the band and choir room and asked if i could join the clubs
i wouldn’t get any of the solos id gotten before
wouldn’t have any friends or inside jokes
but i still joined because that was what i did last time
why not cheer? or the softball team? α small voice inside me asked.
you’re not doing much with this new chance. you always talk about how much you wish your life and friends were different, so why do you go back?
the truth was, i didn’t know how.
i see my friend group in that room. they’re still α group, still pushing each other and laughing and rolling their eyes. i’m far away, but close enough to see and hear them.
i stare at them and remember how many nights i spent sobbing over what they said to me over the years. they’ve definitely gotten nicer since fifth grade, though.
i smile and wave from across the room. i know so much about them and they know nothing about me.
do i want them to?
it’s only until graduation, i tell myself, then i’ll have α better group.
but that’s what i told myself when i was α person here, and it kept getting worse.
i’m not as smart as i used to be. nobody knows or takes notice of my grades, and im too shy to raise my hand.
i’m not in reach or pre algebra. nobody asks me for help with anything.
it makes me realize that before, i was never what they thought i was.
i don’t really have any friends or reputation. no favorite teachers to talk to after bad days.
in a few months, everything will go exactly to the same way it was before. same friends, same boyfriend, same drama and issues. no one stopped hurting themselves.
i’m not friends with the popular girls even though i certainly could have been.
why do i keep making the same mistakes?