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A year later...more beautiful
This is a fact. I have become much more beautiful after getting hsv. I lost 15 pounds, taking great care of my skin and hair, getting my nails done. Walking with more confidence. Knowing I learned some hard things in life but I have matured and grown and changed.
I am damn sexy.
I am deleting this blog
I have decided to stop sharing my life so much on the internet and relying on the internet to provide me with some sort of answer or satisfaction about my life. I think I have to really focus and look inside myself instead of blankly staring at a screen hoping it will give me answers,. I deactivated my facebook for the foreseeable future as well and feel the better for it.
SCREW HSV AND ITS ABILITY TO FUCK WITH OUR LIVES! I hate that I allowed myself to feel ashamed for so long. It has played an overly dramatic part in the way I see my boyfriend who gave it to me in the first place.
I will leave this post up for a day or so and see if anyone reads it or not. I warn you all. If you really get satisfaction from tumblr and facebook then by all means get it out there on the internet. I think I need to return to my old modes of coping with stress. Handwriting in a private diary and reading good books and thinking deeply.
Before I came to Korea I didn't know how to look and feel beautiful. Honestly, I was pretty ugly before in high school and university. I just...didn't have it.
Then, I got hsv and then have really stepped things up in the looks department. Dropped some weight, paying super close attention to improving my skin and hair and overall appearance. It is paying off. I have tons of friends and a lot of people pay attention to me. It feels good to be recognized for beauty. But, it gives me anxiety knowing that beauty does not last and one day my skin will dry out, my boobs will hang, my vagina will dry up my fertility will be gone. I don't want to reduce myself to only a body, only good for beauty and sex. I want to be more than that. But sometimes it is the only I think about these days. I am so lonely without my boyfriend. He has been out of the country for 6 weeks. My thoughts turn negative and doubt creeps into my mind and makes me freak out. I try to look as good as possible to get positive attention from my friends and acquaintances.
Especially in Korea where looks rule, it gives me a lot of positive feedback and I feel popular amongst Koreans. They are interested in me and being my friend. I feel a sense of power walking into a room where i am known as the pretty white girl who can speak Korean. I still feel bad inside knowing that I have this secret that is my flaw. I feel sick at the thought of people knowing. But, i don't have to tell anyone because it doesn't matter. It doesn't change my worth as a human being.
I will say this. I am a different person than I was before hsv. Not worse, not better. Just...different.
STD dating blogs are a great way to get and give support. A great way to tell people more about yourself, and a chance for you to get to know others also living with STDs.
