"I never got to say goodbye"
I know this is a horrible way to say goodbye, and it’s cowardice, but I couldn’t bare to say goodbye to your face. I knew that I wouldn’t have the stomach for it, I would break down. I’m not a man to so easily cry, and I say that now as I do it now, writing this to you. I’ve always loved you, and I could never say it to your face. I hated that we only spent most of our time going on runs and sitting around in my lab. How many times I just wanted to ask you to join me for dinner, or to just tell you how much I loved you. I wanted to spend more time holding you and to stop being so afraid. I was always envious of your bravery and I just wish I had the guts to just tell you.
But it’s to late now, I’ve given up and I’m sorry that I was so weak. I tried so hard for you and Philip. I tried to keep myself distracted, and find reasons to keep pushing. But I don’t have anything anymore. I lost Philip a long time ago and it was hopeless for me to keep trying to get him back. I knew I could never have you either, you are so perfect, beautiful and beautiful. You sat with me so many times and gave me another reason to smile, and I can never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. I’ve even told you things that I’ve never spoken about and you never once judged me. How is someone like me to deserve someone like you? I would never be able to have you.
So this is my goodbye and my confession. I’m sorry it ended like this, and that I could never tell you this to your face. Know I’ve always loved you and died loving you.