“On my own, pretending he’s beside me. All alone, I walk with him til morning. Without him, I feel his arms around me and when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me…” Those lines were from one of the famous songs in the musical Les Miserables entitled On My Own, which was sang by the character Eponine. For those who are not familiar with the musical or with the cast, Eponine is a girl who found herself entangled in the traps of love. The little girl, foreign to the feeling, desired to be loved right back.
Have you ever come to a point in your life where you suddenly liked someone you never even thought of liking in the first place? Was there a time when you’ve fallen head over heels in love with someone who was completely opposite from you, personality wise? Or have you felt how it’s like to be smitten over your friend who totally has zero idea about your feelings? Such is a love so juvenile, yet to be tried by time. It's not so different though, from the couples in college or the 50-somethings who stuck with each other through the years. Don't we all want to be loved back? It's a strange thing, that 4-letter word. One moment you're thinking, I will never fall for that guy. The next thing you know, you're trying to mend your broken heart in solitude because he never knew, and nobody did. You never found the guts to tell him.
We all have standards: I'd like someone who's tall, dark and handsome. Then that one person comes along, who doesn’t fit into any of the cookie-cutter we've set, but he snatches your heart anyway and hides it where you can't find it. Your best friend, whom you've considered out of bounds romantically, suddenly looks a little cuter every day. You exchange banters, even hit each other like true-blue brothers. The familiarity turns into something else: the hours you spend with each other seem to be insufficient, the text messages aren't enough to express every story you want to tell.
Like any other girl who was raised in front of the television rich with Disney fairytales, I wanted that 'happily ever after', and I wanted to find it quick. You grow up to be curious, constantly searching for love in the form of whatever you saw in movies. How about a lost leather shoe instead of a glass slipper? Or a bad boy/rebel instead of a beast that you could turn into your own Prince Charming? Then you get slapped by the reality that life isn't anything like the movies. They made us think that the two main characters would always end up together, no matter what. I guess that's true for some. But for me? I'm just the unassuming extra in the background watching and lingering closely by but never seen because it's their love story, not mine.
You find yourself trying to put the pieces back together when he emerges from a relationship, broken and devastated. Always the faithful friend, ready to face the odds just to have his back. He slowly returns to his old self, a little closer to you this time. You finally feel that maybe, you're going to have your own movie. The late nights on the phone talking about your favorite cartoons, the loud gigs you went to together, the duets sung in the classroom. These were signs, you were sure of it! The world slows down as he approaches you with a smile on his face and the twinkle in his eyes.... And then he thanks you for your efforts, and tells you that he's glad to have you as a best friend. The 3 words you've always waited for never came.
But life goes on, and when you live through the pain you'll find that no matter how cruel fate can be, it gives you another chance. There's a twist, however. Enter the friend who's so close yet beyond your reach. You start to like him so much but he could never see you that way. You’d set your eyes on her when she’s too busy looking at somebody else. It’s like every time he passes by I can see everything that I want and everything I can never have. And here I go, standing in the middle of a crowd, unnoticed.
The sequence of events repeats over and over again, in different variations but the same, painful heartbreak until the right person comes along and stops the cycle. If there's one thing I've learned, it's to try again. 'Cause I never would've gotten another story if I didn't flip the page to start another one. But another important lesson is to take risks. It doesn't matter if you think it's a long shot. If you think it's worth the consequence, go for it. Two things can happen: Either you find yourself in a relationship or with yet another broken heart. Both take a leap of faith: the former would require a transition from friendship to a relationship that could take a while to figure out, and the latter would discourage you to love again but would teach you how to pick yourself up, and hope that you can get it right this time.
Unreciprocated love… is the most special kind of love. Just as special as that first kiss, as holding hands, as hearing the subject of your affection say “yes”. There is nothing quite more romantically valiant and gallantly sincere than devoting your emotional energies, your time, your effort – yourself – to a person who just isn’t willing to do the same for you. Undeniably, being in a relationship does look glamorous, and a wedding ring certainly isn’t a bad thing, but there is nothing quite as unconditional as loving someone from a distance.
It is magical to think how such a beautiful emotion exists in something as dreary as rejection. How can it be that such an unshakeable conviction to love can come from not being loved back? Is it perhaps because unrequited love makes us feel like martyrs of love - disillusioned believers of Cupid who are willing to give their hearts another try? Is it in rejection that we find the courage and motivation to wake up the next day to become a sweeter lover? Or is it in the freedom to see a person as you see them? Perhaps, just maybe, it is because unrequited love is pure.
Unrequited love is pure in that it requires a heart that asks for nothing in return. Undeniably, you will feel pain, and eventually the sting of rejection will ultimately push you to forego the follies of a jovially blind affection. But, you also cannot deny that for a time in your life, for a fleeting moment in time, that person was everything to you – and it didn’t matter if you weren’t the same for them. You couldn’t deny that innocent waves and platonic good morning smiles made your day just a little bit brighter. But what you couldn’t deny most was that for nothing at all – for absolutely nothing at all – you loved that person, despite knowing you would get hurt.
Loving has never been easy – but it has always been simple. Love the person your heart chooses. Fear not love, but bask in its glory, its power, and its spirit. The heart feels love not by asking for it, but by giving it. Fear not that you should not be the person that completes someone’s romantic void, but take pride in wanting to be a part of their life unconditionally. Love simply for the reason of loving, which is why I believe that unrequited love… is the most special kind of love.
- This was the original version of my speech for my English class finals. I edited the one I delivered to a shorter one to be able to maximize the 5minutes given time.
- Big thanks also to Inna Castillo and my cousin Jaivy for giving me their own thoughts about the subject, making me see the said matter not just from my own point of view. ♥
